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Dear Miss Manners: The custom of taking hats off indoors seems to be disappearing. Even in church and classrooms, I am increasingly seeing hats (baseball caps, especially).
It would be rude for me to tell all these people to remove their hats, but as a parent, I can enforce this etiquette rule with my own children. And as a teacher, I can enforce it in my own classroom.
My problem is when I am asked, “Why? No one else asks me to take my hat off. Why is it important?” These young minds are not satisfied with the answer of “because it is the proper thing to do.”
I've been telling them that when you wear your hat inside, it gives the impression that you are in a hurry to leave. That makes your host (or teacher) think you don't want to be in their company, and that would be rude.
Can you help me with an improved or more complete response? Or is it really not important after all, and I should just let these young people blend in with the hatted crowd?
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While appreciating your efforts to teach courtesy to your pupils and your children, Miss Manners is grateful to have the opportunity to help you do so on a deeper level. Otherwise, you may get some difficult questions.
What if a Jewish student says that he (but not his sister) has to cover his head in his synagogue as a sign of respect? What if a Catholic student says her grandmother remembers when she (but not Grandpa) had to cover her head in church? What if students report examples where it would be improper, whether for cultural or religious reasons, not to wear turbans or scarves?
“Aha!” the brighter pupils will declare: “This shows that all these rules are arbitrary.” And they would be right.
But — here comes the deeper lesson — that does not mean that a given society’s customs may be ignored with impunity. Symbols are always arbitrary but can nevertheless carry great emotional weight. A hat on — or off — could be extremely offensive, given the setting and circ*mstances.
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Now we complicate things even more by introducing a time and gender element. The traditional American rule was that gentlemen must remove their hats indoors. But for ladies, wearing a hat indoors — at a luncheon, for example — was proper. (Girls may try to use this to claim they can wear their baseball caps in class, but no, this does not apply to unisex and/or athletic gear.)
Are any of these rules still in effect?
Morality-based rules remain valid no matter how many people disobey them, just as the prevalence of crime does not make it legal. But symbolism only works when the meaning is generally recognized.
Miss Manners hears from Gentle Readers who object to violations of those hat rules, so she believes the code is still being read. But it would be an interesting research project for your students to find out.
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You will have to teach them that the question is not whether people approve of these rules, but whether they are even aware of them; that they should ask the question in a nonprejudicial way; and that they should ask people of different ages.
Miss Manners apologizes for making more homework for you.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, MissManners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
©2022 by Judith Martin
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As an etiquette expert with a deep understanding of social norms and cultural practices, I can shed light on the various concepts discussed in the article regarding hat-wearing etiquette. The author expresses concern about the declining custom of removing hats indoors, especially in places like churches and classrooms.
The key concept here is social etiquette, a set of unwritten rules governing behavior in social situations. Etiquette is culturally influenced and evolves over time, reflecting societal values and norms. The article addresses the challenges faced by the author in enforcing hat removal etiquette, particularly when questioned by young individuals who seek a more meaningful explanation beyond a simple "it's the proper thing to do."
The article introduces the idea that hat-wearing customs can vary based on cultural and religious practices. The author brings up scenarios involving Jewish and Catholic students, highlighting the need for a nuanced understanding of customs tied to respect and tradition. This illustrates the broader concept of cultural relativism, emphasizing the importance of considering diverse perspectives and practices.
A critical point made in the article is that while these rules may seem arbitrary, they carry emotional weight and significance. This concept aligns with the broader sociological understanding of symbols and their role in communication. In this case, a hat serves as a symbolic element that can convey respect or, conversely, be perceived as offensive depending on the context.
The article further complicates the matter by introducing a temporal and gender element, discussing traditional American rules where gentlemen were expected to remove their hats indoors. This brings attention to the concept of gender roles and changing societal norms, highlighting how etiquette can be influenced by historical practices.
The article concludes by addressing the longevity of these rules and their relevance in contemporary society. It emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between morality-based rules, which remain valid regardless of adherence, and symbolic rules, which rely on general recognition of meaning. This discussion aligns with sociological theories on norms and deviance, suggesting that societal customs persist even if not universally followed.
In essence, the article provides a nuanced exploration of hat-wearing etiquette, touching upon social norms, cultural relativism, symbolic communication, gender roles, and the evolution of customs over time. This multifaceted analysis offers valuable insights for those navigating and understanding the complexities of etiquette in diverse social settings.
