Courting vs Dating: 9 Key Differences (2024)

Co-authored byCourtney Quinlanand Hannah Madden

Last Updated: October 4, 2023Fact Checked

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1. Courting is a formal agreement to get to know a potential spouse. Courting is a traditional arrangement that’s typically between a man and a woman. During a courtship, the 2 people will focus on getting to know one another, going out on dates and romantic adventures. At the end of a courtship, the goal is usually to get engaged and then get married, as long as everything goes well.^[1]

   • Courtships often have a religious aspect to them as well. Many religious people prefer courting, rather than dating, since courting almost always ends in marriage.

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1. Dating means you’re seeing someone, either seriously or not seriously. In today’s world, the word “dating” can mean many things. You might be “dating” someone you’ve been on 2 dates with, “dating” someone you’ve been seeing for months, or “dating” your serious partner of 3 years. Dating is less strict and not as traditional as a courtship, and there are fewer rules within it.^[2]

   • Dating can end in an engagement and marriage, but it doesn't necessarily have to.

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   Commitment When you’re courting someone, there’s an expectation that you’re in this to develop a serious relationship and get married in the near future.^[3] When you’re dating someone, there are no rules about how serious you have to be, and marriage may or may not be on the table.

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   Family involvement A courtship often involves the entire family: the parents may give someone permission to court their child, and the two families will likely spend time together to see how compatible everyone is. When you’re simply dating, your family has no say in who you date, and your parents may not meet each other until years down the road.

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   See Also

   When Can a Teenager Start Dating?What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?Marriage and Courtship Patterns | Introduction to Sociology5 Benefits of Courtship

   Emotional attachment In a courtship, partners are expected to open up emotionally and get close to each other relatively fast, since marriage is on the horizon. On the flip side, when dating someone, you may open up emotionally relatively quickly, or you may not. Dating can also mean simply hooking up with someone, in which case there would be no emotions involved at all.^[4]

   • There’s no set timeline for how fast you might open up emotionally to a new partner. However, in a courtship, it often happens in just a couple of months (or even weeks).
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   Abstinence For many people in a courtship, they do not have sex until they’re married (often for religious reasons). In dating, however, it’s much more common for people to have sex fairly early in the relationship.^[5]

   • People who are just dating may also save themselves for marriage. It depends on their own values and what they’re comfortable with.
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   Length of time In most cases, courtships last for about 1 year before the couple gets engaged. In dating relationships, partners may date for years, or they may part ways after just a couple of months. It all depends on their needs and whether or not they think the relationship is working.

   • Dating someone can also mean seeing them 1 or 2 times, then never seeing them again if it’s not the right fit.
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   Marital advice During a courtship, the expectation is that the couple will get married. Oftentimes, the couple will seek marital advice from religious leaders or older family members, even before they’re engaged.^[6] This is much less common while dating someone, unless the couple happens to be religious.

   • However, many people who are dating but not yet married will go to couples counseling for large issues.
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   Expectation of monogamy A courtship is almost always exclusive and monogamous from the get-go, meaning the couple isn’t dating anyone else.^[7] When dating someone, it’s important to define the relationship early on—otherwise, people may assume it’s fine to date or sleep with other people at the same time.

   • Some people are also polyamorous, meaning they are always dating more than 1 person at a time.
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   Accountability Since a courtship is a family affair, the couple tends to get input from their family, friends, or religious leaders about their relationship and their faith. In dating, couples may not get this input, and are mostly left alone without advice (unless they seek it out).

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   Who takes the lead To court a woman, oftentimes the man will seek the woman out and ask her on dates. This is because a courtship is more traditional, so it still adheres to traditional gender roles. In dating, either partner can seek each other out and take the other on dates.^[8]

   • In modern times, though, you can absolutely court a man if you’re a woman. It just isn’t as common.

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1. Courting and dating are both valid ways to get to know someone. Courting isn’t necessarily “better” than dating, or vice versa—they’re just different! Courting is a slightly more old-fashioned way to date someone, and it has a specific end goal in mind. Dating is more modern and has fewer expectations and rules surrounding it.^[9]

   • If you’re religious, talk to the spiritual leaders in your congregation. They may have recommendations or advice on how to find the right person for you.

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   Court someone if you’d like to get married in under a year. If marriage is your end goal, then courting is for you. Courting has a pretty tight timeline, and most couples who court each other end up getting engaged in a little under 12 months. If you’re ready to settle down and have a family, then get out there and court someone!^[10]

   • Courting is also a good option if you’re religious or you’d really like input from your spiritual leaders when dating someone.
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   Date someone if you’re looking for something more casual and less rigid. If you’re not sure what your end goal is or you’re just looking for some fun, then dating is the right option for you. In modern times, dating can be whatever you want it to be: you might settle into a long-term relationship, date multiple people at the same time, or even just look for hookups. If any of those options sound appealing to you, then dating is a good choice.

   • Dating is more independent, too, and often doesn’t come with input from your family or spiritual leaders (if you have them).

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