How Should Stay-at-Home Parents and Partners Split the Load? Not Like This. (2024)

Taking care of children is a full-time job, even without a laundry list of household tasks to get done (including laundry).

Butone stay-at-home motherof two with her hands full is wondering if she's doing enough after a rather invalidating conversation with her husband, who goes to an office.

"My husband says that my 'job is to watch the kids,'"u/BlumpkinBuddywrote in theParenting subreddit."My husband works 10-12 hours [per] day, and I'm a [stay-at-home mom]."

Mom says the couple has two kids, ages 4 and 1.

"After a long day taking care of the kids, when my husband is home, he'll help feed and put the kids to sleep," Mom continues.

As he should—no pats on the backcoming from this writer, especially because I've already read further.

"Some days, I'm so exhausted [that] I don't have dinner ready for him when he comes home [and] some chores aren't done," the poster says. "He tells me that as a SAHM, my responsibilities are to make sure [the] food [is] ready, he's got clean clothes for work, and the kids are taken care of. He says that because I stay at home, my job is to take care of the house and the kids. But I get exhausted and tired, too."

The original poster wanted to know if he was out of line or correct. Reddit had thoughts and so do I.

What Reddit Says About Splitting Roles When One Parent Stays Home

The thread has racked up 1.2K comments, with most posters providing thoughtful responses that veered toward "team mom" with varying degrees of empathy for dad.

"Being a SAHM is actually more than a full-time job, and you don't get weekends off or holidays," one points out.

"Essentially, you both have 9-5s, but after 5, you equally have to deal with the kids as if you just worked a long day at the office. Brilliant," echoes another.

"He says it's your job, but if he doesn't work 24 hours, neither should you be expected to," writes another. "When he's home, it should be 50/50."

Boom (do people still say boom?).

Others had some caveats.

"[It] depends on the age of the kids," says another. "If they are in school for [six hours] per day you should be able to take care of all of the housework and have time to spare unless you live in a mansion."

No word on OP's living situation, but most kids with a stay-at-home parent aren't in school six hours per day at ages 4 and 1. Also, get your clothes ready? Your partner is not your parent.

Some posters offer insights into how they split the loads with their partners.

"Husbands are supposed to be adults," a blunt Redditor says. "They don't need looking after. They only require support and that's a two-way street."

"The way we handled it was that the house and kid were my jobs while he was at work," responds a top commenter. "Once he got home, it was back to 50/50 split."

Another commenter agrees but mentions how they respectfully handled post-work requests with their partner once they returned home.

"It's not an 'Oh, you're home now. Get started on the house,'" the person says. "It's a 'Hey, sometime today or tomorrow, can you do X thing.' Just like there's some flexibility for me to do stuff there is flexibility for him too."

Fair enough.

"He watches our son, and I usually finish up chores and make dinner," says another. "Then we toss a coin for dishes versus bath time and come together when it's time for story and bedtime."

What a great way to use spare change (and also for the parent who works outside of the home to bond with the little ones after being elsewhere all day).

Hot Take: Seriously, Dad?

The rudeness of the request (if it was put like OP says) gets me. I am not a stay-at-home parent, but I take Fridays "off" as I don't have childcare that day. I'm home with two children of a similar age (3 and 21 months).

Fridays are my favorite day. They are also my most challenging. My sons are full of boundless energy that is joyful to watch and simultaneously exhausting. As kids are supposed to do, they test boundaries by climbing on and jumping on furniture (and me. And sometimes each other, which is when things get incredibly tiring as I turn into a referee).

I try to use the younger one's naptime to pick up the place, but if my husband comes home to a living room full of Lego, so be it. Dinner cooked? If he's lucky—my toddler is still in his touch-the-stove-to-confirm-its-hot era.

Being told, after a fun but long day of playing, managing all the big feelings, and guiding my kids through what behaviors are appropriate (attempting to be gentle along the way), I am physically and mentally exhausted. If he came home and said those things, I'd feel insulted, invalidated, and deflated.

There's a give-and-take to this—this Dad no doubt works long hours outside the home. But I agree with the commenters who say that once he's home, both of their "day jobs" are done, and it's a 50/50 split. Dad sounds like someone who doesn't have kids or hasn't had to remind one that "hands are not for hitting" in quite some time, and that's a proverbial slap in the face to his partner.