How to avoid being a poser (2024)

A friend of mine was telling me the other day that one of her roommates was going through a lifestyle change. The only problem was that she wasn’t sure which new lifestyle to choose.

She considered granola girl, activist girl, club girl (raver) and preppy girl. Upon hearing this, I had only one thought. Why not do a Lifestyles column on lifestyle changes.

After all, I am an expert on them. In my two decades in this world, I have changed lifestyles more times than Pat Boone and Traci Lords put together.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about lifestyle changes, it’s that if they’re not done right, they can be devastating. Even my mentor, Vanilla, failed to successfully change lifestyles from “go white-boy go” dancing-rapper to dreadlock-gangsta.

And then, of course, there’s the mellowing of Metallica, the “bad” takeover of Michael Jackson and the church secretary to p*rn-star turnaround of Jessica Hahn.

But all of these failed lifestyle changes could have been prevented had these people simply followed the Moss Pit guide to changing your image.

Rule No. 1: Be prepared to spend money and lots of it. Even a simple change can be quite costly.

I once went from teeny-bopper fan to skater, nothing too expensive right? Wrong. We’re talking new skateboard ($120), Airwalks ($50) and wallet-chain ($12), not to mention the Vision Street Wear apparel to go along with it.

I mean you can’t just walk into a lifestyle like this with a $20 bill. Even dirt-ball clothing can be expensive. That kind of stuff takes time to prepare, and everyone knows that time is money.

Take for instance, a simple pair of baggy khakis. Say you find a pair for $10, well you still have to cut them and wash them at least three or four times to get the frayed ends looking right. And at 75 cents a wash, that can get expensive.

If you try to fake it and save the cash, you end up looking like a complete poser with nothing but a half-assed pair of frayed khakis to show for yourself.

Rule No. 2: Don’t step into a new lifestyle, leap into it. People find themselves caught in an uncomfortable transition period too often, and if you’re not comfortable with yourself, how are you supposed to look good.

A perfect example of this can be seen in the movie Can’t Buy Me Love. That mega-hottie trys to change Patrick Dempsey with a little moose and a torn shirt and look what happens — he ends up feeling like a dork all day.

But once he leaps into the “cool clan” and starts sporting the slicked hair and shades, that’s when he successfully completes a lifestyle change.

Rule No. 3: Don’t try the impossible. Ninety degree changes are hip, but 180s are just stupid.

p*rn stars can never be anything but p*rn stars and Christian musicians can never be anything but Christian musicians, that’s just the way it is.

Rule No. 4: Don’t be afraid to create your own lifestyle. Feel free to combine some of the lifestyles you have been thinking about into one.

This can be very effective. Some of the coolest images have come from combinations. There’s tough-guy/nice guy (Slater), world leader/dumb-ass (Dan Quale) and, of course, alternative/conservative (yours truly).

Rule No. 5: Always be proud of your lifestyle changes. You have to realize that those who make fun of you are only doing it because they are jealous.

I still get crap for my junior high change from skater to Vanilla Ice wanna-be. But I really don’t care. I know I was the only kid in my school to own (and publicly wear) Hammer-pants and that is something to be proud of.

And when Vanilla makes his comeback, I’ll be leading the way and changing my lifestyle again.

“If you chip away at the Ice — get to know me real well — you’ll see that in lots of ways I’m still a kid. Having all this happen to me still feels a lot like that Christmas when I woke up and saw that big box under the tree with my motorcycle outfit in it.”

— The Iceman in the autobiography Ice By Ice

Corey Moss is a sophom*ore in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.