1. Carve out observational time
Find time to watch yourself in relationships. Mentally prepare to think more about what is going on around you than what your next statement will be. Be curious about the context around you.
2. Journal those interactions
Over a period of one month write down your own observations of yourself. After any significant interaction capture how people reacted to you:
- Specific words
- Nonverbal cues
- Responses
Use the month’s worth of data to explore patterns and discover what those patterns are telling you about you.
3. Get real visuals
With continued advancements in technology, the ability to “catch yourself on tape” is commonplace. Video yourself interacting with others in real-life team settings or in role-play interactions specifically designed to give you feedback. The playback won’t be Oscar-worthy but you will gain new insights.
Power dynamics are not just about hierarchy. Power comes from multiple things in organizations: position, expertise, coercion, rewards, and personal relationships to name a few. And even these power sources are impacted by gender, age, race, and other factors we may not even be cognizant of on a daily basis.
4. Put yourself into new feedback environments
It is difficult to remove yourself from existing power dynamics. Find a new “community” that connects you with others (volunteering, joining a club, signing up for a new assignment) and ask those new relationships for feedback.
The things you hear are less likely to be couched or controlled by pre-existing conditions in your relationship and may allow you to gain clarity about your impact in more familiar settings.
5. Know your audience
Even if you’ve assured yourself you aren’t doing anything to provoke, put yourself into the minds of those you interact with and think about what could be stilted or hurtful interactions from their standpoint.
Just because your comfort level with certain approaches, topics, and styles is high, don’t assume your audience feels the same way. Trying to explore where they are coming from may give you increased permission to ask for feedback in new ways that promote candidness and honesty.
6. Understand your own triggers
Much of the time any behavior that seems mean or inappropriate is because we ourselves have been threatened, either consciously or subconsciously. Knowing what triggers you to take a defensive position can prevent you from going into a corner and trying to (inadvertently) fight your way out.
We hope that the tips above help you better understand the impact of your behavior on others and how to deliver a keynote with a specific nonthreatening zinger to provoke a lighter mood. Or how to reorder the slides to provoke confidence from the board when presenting the ROI on a recent innovation investment. Or how to adapt your style to engender candor and possibility when you have a particularly challenging performance conversation.
You can do all of these without unintentionally provoking silence, hurt, or anger.
