Young Muslims find a middle ground for fostering romantic relationships between what is permissible and what is forbidden. Fahmida Azim for NPR hide caption
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Fahmida Azim for NPR
Young Muslims find a middle ground for fostering romantic relationships between what is permissible and what is forbidden.
Fahmida Azim for NPR
When 18-year-old Nermeen Ileiwat first began college, she could not wait to get into a relationship — maybe even get engaged before graduation. But after one year, the rising sophom*ore realized she had no idea what she wanted out of life and was in no position to get into a relationship.
That decision didn't last long. Only a few months after, Ileiwat met someone at a party, and their friendship quickly turned into something more.
However, dating was not that simple for the now 21-year-olds who are Muslim. They have religious restrictions that limit physical contact in premarital relationships. They chose to focus more on developing their emotional intimacy, with the occasional hug or kiss. Out of respect for their religious beliefs, Ileiwat and her boyfriend decided not to engage in any advanced sexual activity until they're married.
For young couples like them, the idea of dating is common, and it means balancing their religious views with their desire for emotional intimacy. But the term "dating" still invites an offensive suggestion for many Muslims, especially older ones, irrespective of how innocent the relationship may be. Dating is still linked to its Western origins, which implies underlying expectations of sexual interactions — if not an outright premarital sexual relationship — which Islamic texts prohibit.
But Islam does not forbid love.
Ismail Menk, a renowned Islamic scholar, argues in one of his lectures that love, within boundaries and with expectations of marriage, is an accepted fact of life and religion — if done the right way. This "right way," he says, is by involving the families from an early stage.
Before the rise of a Western cultural influence, finding a spouse was a task almost solely assigned to parents or relatives. But young Muslims have now taken it upon themselves to find their partners, relying on their own version of dating to do so. Older Muslims continue to reject dating because they worry that a Western world will also create Western expectations of premarital sex in these relationships.
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Adam Hodges, a former sociolinguistics professor at Carnegie Mellon University in Qatar, argues there is an added layer of culture and context to the term "dating" that is often overlooked. "We use language to give meaning to the world around us. So the way that we label events or phenomena, such as dating, is definitely going to provide a certain perspective on what that means for us," he says. Therefore, taking on the dating vernacular to describe their relationship and labeling their significant other as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" does put some couples at risk of falling into the physical expectations that come with dating, Hodges says. But, he adds, these fears can be allayed because "the most important connotation that is borrowed is the ability to choose your own mate," which is also the main precept of dating in the West.
One way that some young Muslim couples are rebutting the idea of dating being offensive is by terming it "halal dating." Halal refers to something permissible within Islam. By adding the permissibility factor, some young couples argue, they are removing the idea that anything haram, or prohibited, such as premarital sex, is happening in the relationship.
On the other hand, some young couples believe there should be no stigma attached to dating and, therefore, reject the idea of calling it halal. "My justification is that we are dating with the intention of one day being married and, I guess, that's what makes it OK," Ileiwat says.
Khalil Jessa, founder of Salaam Swipe, a dating app that caters to young Muslims, also believes that the negative associations attached to dating depend on the particular society. "This conception that dating necessarily implies physical touching is an assumption that people are making. When they take the word dating, they're adding this connotation to it, and I don't think that's necessarily the case. It's up to each individual and each couple to choose how they wish to interact with one another," Jessa argues.
Getting to know someone and making the informed decision to marry them is not an alien concept in Islamic societies. Abdullah Al-Arian, a history professor at Georgetown University School of Foreign Service in Qatar, says that the idea of courtship has been present in Muslim societies for centuries but was subdued in colonial times. When the British and the rest of Europe colonized much of the world, they also placed social restrictions on sexual interactions between unmarried couples, Arian says. These social restrictions also took hold in certain Islamic societies, with religious restrictions on sex leading some to go as far as segregating the genders as much as possible, including in schools, universities and even at social gatherings.
These practices began to disintegrate as women started entering the workforce, demanding their rights for universal education and pursuing higher education, Arian says. Segregating because of religious dogma became harder. And so, as the genders mixed, dating relationships also took root in some societies. This, he says, further facilitated the imitation of Western relationships.
Changing ideas about modernity, widespread urbanization and the West's cultural hegemony influenced something as intimate and personal as relationships, Arian says. But the most influential factor is globalization. "We've seen the full impact of globalization ... in pop culture, in particular. Western cultural productions: music, film, television shows," he says. These "shared experiences," as he calls them, have given birth to third-culture kids. These multicultural generations are growing up with a "very different moral compass that is rooted in a number of influences; and not just the local, but the global as well," Arian says.
Before social media and the prevalence of pop culture, it was a lot easier to enforce whatever ideologies you wanted your child to follow. But as globalization increased, this changed. Young people became increasingly exposed to the rest of the world. Today, their ideologies and values no longer find a basis in what their priest or imam preaches but in what social media and pop culture influencers might be saying and doing.
Then there's the limitless online world.
Dating apps and websites that cater to young Muslims looking for meaningful long-term relationships are easy to find. Muzmatch, a dating app launched two years ago, has 135,000 people signed up. Other apps, like Salaam Swipe and Minder, report high success rates for young Muslims who previously had a hard time finding a partner.
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These apps allow people to filter their searches based on level of religiosity, the kind of relationship they're looking for and other aspects such as whether the woman wears a headscarf and the man sports a beard.
While the men behind these apps launched them with the hope of giving young Muslims a positive platform to interact on, they say there are still many in their societies that oppose the idea of young couples interacting.
Haroon Mokhtarzada, founder of Minder, says that a lot of this disapproval stems more from the fear of people in their communities gossiping than it does from the actual interaction the couples have. "There's this general concern that people are going to talk. So I don't think it's the parents who are worried for themselves because they don't want their daughter talking to a guy or whatever, as much as it's them worrying about their family name and people talking and becoming part of a gossip mill," he says.
To combat this, Shahzad Younas, founder of Muzmatch, incorporated various privacy settings within the app, allowing people to hide their pictures until the match gets more serious and even allowing a guardian to have access to the chat to ensure it remains halal.
But no app setting can stop the gossip mill.
Like many Muslim women, Ileiwat has chosen not to wear the hijab, but that has not saved her from glares and stares if she's out in public with her boyfriend. Because of the prohibition on premarital sex, older Muslims often frown upon any visible interaction between unmarried young people, no matter how innocent. This can sometimes lead to assumptions that two individuals of the opposite sex who are just hanging out have an inappropriate premarital relationship. "I think a lot of older people are under the assumption that all premarital communication between the opposite gender equates sex. Which is ridiculous, but it makes for a juicy story," Ileiwat says, adding that even some of her younger married friends are subject to the gossip mill.
But the fear of gossip and the older generation's fear of sexual relations between young men and women have made the concept of dating more intriguing for younger Muslims. Using the word dating to describe relationships has resulted in a schism between older and younger generations. Hodges says children pick up the popular vernacular from peers, leading to a barrier between what children say and how parents understand it. Because of this miscommunication, many couples instead use words like "togetherness" and "an understanding" as synonyms when talking to their parents about their relationships.
Hodges refers to this gap as "that ocean between England and America," where words might be the same, but the way they are perceived is vastly different. Mia, a 20-year-old Ethiopian-American college student who has shied away from having sex with her boyfriend of almost a year, can attest to this. "The idea of dating, to my mom, is basically haram. I like to use the word 'talking' or 'getting to know.' A lot of people in the Muslim community don't like to use words like 'girlfriend,' 'boyfriend,' or 'dating.' They prefer to use things like 'understanding,' or 'growing together,' " she says. But words, especially those borrowed from other places, soon take on the cultural contexts in which they are used. "Dating" has only recently seeped into young Muslims' everyday vernacular, so it may be a while before it takes on the local contexts within which it is used.
"If people realize that dating is simply a normal thing that has been around for centuries everywhere, that you don't need to learn it from movies, then people start to see it as something independent of physical [acts]. Physical relations are simply a choice," says Taimur Ali, a senior at Georgetown University's Qatar campus.
The current generation "really wants to have the [dating] experience without having the full extent of the experience," Arian says. But perhaps, he suggests, young Muslims need to develop something for themselves that is "more rooted in our own moral sensibilities."
Neha Rashid is an NPR intern and journalism student at Northwestern University's Qatar campus. Follow her @neharashid_.
FAQs
The essence of halal dating is to protect both parties and give you the chance to fall head over heels with your future spouse's purity, personality, and mindset. Scholars suggest meetings should include a chaperone or be set in a public where temptations are minimal.
What does halal dating mean? ›
Last updated: Sep. 04, 2022. Some Muslims use the term "Halal dating" to describe dating while following the laws of Islam, which limit physical contact between people who aren't married (depending on how religious someone is). Often, people won't be looking to get into a boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship.
What is the relationship between halal and haram? ›
Halal means everything that is allowed or in compliance with Islamic law. The opposite of halal is the concept of 'haram', which in Arab culture means things that are unacceptable or illegal in Islamic law.
Can I talk to a boy in Islam? ›
It never occurred to anyone of them that such talk is forbidden. Of course, if the conversation is frivolous or leads to suggestions that are not in line with the serious moral attitude of Islam, such conversation may be forbidden, but only because of its contents, and not for being between man and woman.
What do Muslims believe about dating? ›
Dating for Muslims can be very different from Western practices. Within Islam, a halal, or permissible, way of dating means getting parents or a third party involved early on; abstaining from casual dates, hookups and sex; and talking about marriage right off the bat.
What is the halal way of marriage? ›
It is a simple ceremony, at which the bride does not have to be present so long as she sends two witnesses to the drawn-up agreement. Normally, the ceremony consists of reading from the Qur'an, and the exchange of vows in front of witnesses for both partners.
Can I talk to my fiance before marriage in Islam? ›
“Who are the parents to allow it, when Islam has put a ban on this?” the fatwa said, adding that it was a “matter of regret that the parents allow it.” The clerics said one may talk to his fiancee only when there was no other alternative. “But even such talking should be held in the veil,” they said.
Can Muslims drink alcohol? ›
However, the dominant belief in Islam is that, not only is the consumption of alcohol in any of its forms forbidden, but Muslims should avoid even indirect association with alcohol.
Are Muslims allowed to dance? ›
There are certain guidelines in regards to what is considered al- halal and al-haram within the Muslim religion. Muslim women are not allowed to dance with men and are not allowed to dance in front of them. However, some Muslims dance in their homes with their brother(s), husbands, or even their fathers (Banes 247).
Why do Muslims prefer halal? ›
Muslims choose to eat halal food because it meets requirements that they believe make it suitable for consumption. Halal originates from rules set out in the Qur'an and the Hadith (the Prophet Muhammad's example), which have been followed throughout generations of Islamic practice.
It is considered haram for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man. This is due to the idea that the man is the head of the household, the one who supports the family, and the man is considered responsible for his wife.
Is it haram to break someone's heart? ›
Hurting someone's feelings, and breaking their heart, is a huge sin in Islam. Words cause more pain and remain longer than anything physical. Allah hates when people go around playing with people's emotions. If you are somebody who has been broken by a person, forgive them.
What age is a boy considered a man in Islam? ›
However, according to Nawawi, the age of 15 lunar year is self-evident for both boys and girls to become full adults.
Is it haram for a boy and girl to hug? ›
Traditionally, in Muslim society, women and girls are not permitted to hug or make any physical contact with male strangers, regardless of whether it is a festive occasion or not.
What is the male female interaction in Islam? ›
Islam considers the heterosexual relationship (marital or female slave without marriage) between a man and a woman- the only acceptable relationship. Within this traditional relationship, the male is allowed more room for expression of his sexual rights than the female is, as mentioned above.
Are Muslims allowed to wear shorts? ›
Men CANNOT wear shorts, and the shirts can be short-sleeved but fully covering the shoulders. Shoes don't really matter, as everybody has to remove any (walking into a mosque has to be barefooted). Women need to cover all the body except face, hands and feet.
What if you love someone in Islam? ›
In Islam, it is not a sin if you feel a special affinity or inclination towards a certain individual since human beings have no control on such natural inclinations.
Can you kiss your girlfriend during Ramadan? ›
Kissing your partner whilst fasting does not invalidate your fast but it is advised to refrain from kissing your partner with desire during fasting hours as Muslims must abstain from food, drink and sex while fasting. You can only have sex or any intimate contact must be done before or after the hours of fasting.
How many wives are halal in Islam? ›
Muslim societies allow for up to four wives, but not without specific rules and regulations.
What are the 4 rules of marriage in Islam? ›
Introduction
- Parties must have capacity to marry.
- Proposal (ijab) and acceptance (qubool).
- Free consent of both the parties.
- A consideration (mehr).
- No legal Impediment.
- Sufficient witnesses (different in shia and sunni).
And yet, according to Islamic scholars, the Prophet taught that marriage is supposed to be public; communal weddings follow both the spirit and letter of the law. This expectation was reflected in Zeb's post: parents and families should be fully involved—and marriage can't just be a spiritual cover for having sex.
Is it Haram to sleep before marriage? ›
GRAVE SIN. In Islam, premarital sex (fornication), as well as sex outside marriage (adultery) are absolutely forbidden and considered grave sins that bear serious consequences in this world and the hereafter (Quran 24:2). Islam gives sex a form of an esteemed status by limiting it to the husband-wife relationship.
What are the 4 reasons to marry in Islam? ›
A woman is married for four reasons: her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so choose according to religion. As for Mu'awiyah, then he is a poor man without any wealth (and cannot provide for you), and as for Abu Al-Jahm, he frequently beats women; rather, you should choose Usama.
What to ask a man before marriage Islam? ›
Questions about Deen.
- How often do you recite Qur'an?
- Do you pray regularly and observe fasting?
- Do you prefer going to Islamic classes or listen to Islamic lectures?
- What are your plans regarding Hajj and Umrah for the future?
- How much you try to follow the Sunnah of Prophet as stated in Qur'an in your lifestyle?
Gold contains rays which pass through body skin and influence blood cells. This is quite true for men (2). But it does not apply to the women because there is a layer of fat between the skin and flesh in women, which does not exist in men.
Can Muslims marry non Muslims? ›
Ali said the Koran is clear that Muslim men are allowed to marry non-Muslim women as long as their brides are “People of the Book” — Christians or Jews, both of whom recognize Abraham as their spiritual forefather, as Muslims do. A Muslim woman, however, cannot marry a non-Muslim man unless he converts.
Can Muslims get tattoos? ›
For those who aren't aware, tattoos are considered haram (forbidden) in Islam. There is no specific Islamic verse outlining this point but many people believe wudu (the purification ritual) cannot be completed if you have a tattoo on your body. Hence, you can never pray.
Can Muslims listen to music? ›
According to the Irish Times, "a majority of Muslims" follow the view taken by modern scholars such as Yusuf al-Qaradawi that music is forbidden "only if it leads the believer into activities that are clearly defined as prohibited, such as drinking alcohol and illicit sex".
What kind of music is allowed in Islam? ›
Qira'at, the call to prayer, religious chants and the like are all considered legitimate. Controversial audio arts include almost all other types of music. Illegitimate audio arts are considered to be those that take people away from the commandments of the faith.
Does Islam allow belly dancing? ›
Overall, there is no universally accepted proscription against dancing in Islam. Some Muslims may feel belly dance is acceptable, but less so when it is associated with alcohol, drugs, or sexuality outside of marriage, while others may feel only each individuals' behavior and relationship with God matters.
Minimally painful and complete bleeding is required during halal slaughter, which is difficult to perform in large animals [69]. Previous researchers have indicated an association between the location of the cut and the onset of unconsciousness during slaughter without stunning, such as in halal slaughter.
Is kosher the same as halal? ›
Some foods are labeled as certified kosher or certified halal, which means that they adhere to the rules set by each diet. Kosher foods are prepared in accordance with traditional Jewish laws. Halal foods are ingredients permitted under Islamic law, as defined by the Quran.
Why can't Muslims eat pork? ›
Unlike many other forms of livestock, pigs are omnivorous scavengers, eating virtually anything they come across, including carrion and refuse, which was deemed unclean. Furthermore, a Middle Eastern society keeping large stocks of pigs could destroy their ecosystem.
What are the forbidden relationships in Islam? ›
Seven relations are prohibited because of consanguinity, i.e. kinship or relationship by blood, viz. mothers, daughters, sisters, paternal aunts, maternal aunts, and nieces (whether sister's or brother's daughters). In this case, no distinction is made between full and half relations, both being equally prohibited.
What are the things Muslims Cannot do? ›
This meat is called "halal." Muslims are also prohibited from gambling, taking interest, fortune-telling, killing, lying, stealing, cheating, oppressing or abusing others, being greedy or stingy, engaging in sex outside of marriage, disrespecting parents, and mistreating relatives, orphans or neighbors.
What names are forbidden in Islam? ›
News media at the time revealed more details about the “List of Forbidden Names,” including the Islamic names banned for boys as extremist: Arafat, Hüsein, Seypidin, Seypulla, Nesrulla, Shemshidin, Sadam, and Mujahit; and those forbidden for girls – including Muslime, Muhlise, Ayshe, Fatima, Hediche, and others.
Is it Haram to cheat on someone? ›
Therefore, cheating, deceit, trickery, and lies are unacceptable. This is what the Qur'an and the Sunnah state about cheating. Whether someone is a Muslim or not, cheating is forbidden. Once the guidance of Islam is accepted, a person can avoid deceiving and cheating because they are led to the truth.
Is it Haram to show your chest? ›
Exposing the intimate parts of the body is unlawful in Islam as the Quran instructs the covering of male and female genitals, and for adult females the breasts. Exposing them is normally considered sinful.
What happens if someone rips the Quran? ›
Intentionally desecrating a copy of the Quran is punishable by imprisonment in some countries and could lead to a death sentence in Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, and Somalia, or up to life imprisonment in Pakistan, according to Article 295-B of the Penal Code.
What is the age gap for Muslims? ›
Muslims have the widest spousal age gap (6.6 years between men and their wives or partners), followed by Hindus (5.6 years), Christians (3.8), Buddhists (2.9), the religiously unaffiliated (2.3) and Jews (2.1).
According to the Hanafi school, there is a presumption that girls do not reach puberty until the age of nine and boys not until the age of twelve. In Islamic teaching, girls cannot, therefore, be deemed to have reached puberty any earlier than nine, while for boys the minimum age is twelve.
At what age can a boy get married in Islam? ›
in Muslim contexts
❖ Setting the minimum age of marriage at 18 is 'un-Islamic' because it goes against the practice of the Prophet Muhammad, who married Aishah when she was six years old, and consummated the marriage when she reached puberty at the age of nine.
Is it Haram to touch a girl? ›
There's one hadith (meaning a prophetic tradition) by the Prophet Muhammad where he basically said that a man is not allowed to touch – the key word here is touch – a woman to whom he is a stranger, someone he essentially could marry.
Is cuddling before marriage haram in Islam? ›
Yes. Any physical intimacy before marriage is haram. There are hadith warning against this. Even holding hands is not allowed.
Is it halal to talk to the opposite gender? ›
It never occurred to anyone of them that such talk is forbidden. Of course, if the conversation is frivolous or leads to suggestions that are not in line with the serious moral attitude of Islam, such conversation may be forbidden, but only because of its contents, and not for being between man and woman.
What are a man's responsibilities to his wife in Islam? ›
It is the duty of the man to provide for the maintenance of his wife as spelt out in the aforementioned verse of the Qur'an. This includes provision for her feeding, clothing, shelter, services, health care and all the expenses that corroborate the well-being of the home.
Can male and female pray together in Islam? ›
“Islam has not made it obligatory on Muslim women to join congregational prayer nor is it obligatory for woman to offer Friday namaz in congregation though it is so on Muslim men.
What is Zina according to Islam? ›
Zina is an Islamic legal term, meaning illicit sexual relations, that can be found in the Koran and the hadith (the collected words and acts of the Prophet Muhammad). Muslim empires like the Ottomans, the Mughals and the Safavids defined zina in different ways. But it usually refers to adultery and extramarital sex.
What are the rules for relationships in Ramadan? ›
What are the rules on relationships and marriage in Ramadan? During the hours of fasting on each day of Ramadan, any intimate activity is not allowed. This means it's only ok for couples to kiss, hug, cuddle and have sex in the hours before fasting begins and after it ends - as long as they are husband and wife.
Is it Haram to break someone's heart? ›
Hurting someone's feelings, and breaking their heart, is a huge sin in Islam. Words cause more pain and remain longer than anything physical. Allah hates when people go around playing with people's emotions. If you are somebody who has been broken by a person, forgive them.
"If I say kisses are a reaction, this doesn't mean I am allowing them," Banna told AlArabiya.net. "But it is a minor sin that results from instinctive human weakness and that can be redressed by good deeds.
Is zina for male or female? ›
The main category of such crimes is zina, defined as any act of illicit sexual intercourse between a man and woman. The punishment for zina is the same for men and women: 100 lashes for the unmarried and death by stoning for the married; however, instances of these punishments are rarely documented in history.
How do you get forgiven for zina? ›
Search for:
- 10 Steps to Seek Forgiveness & Repent. ...
- Realise the grave consequences of sinning. ...
- Don't belittle a sin. ...
- Stop sinning & resolve to never return to the sin. ...
- Regret your sins and cry over them. ...
- Perform wudhū and pray two rak'ahs. ...
- Follow the bad with good & atone for your sins. ...
- Seek forgiveness during the best time.
Kissing your partner whilst fasting does not invalidate your fast but it is advised to refrain from kissing your partner with desire during fasting hours as Muslims must abstain from food, drink and sex while fasting. You can only have sex or any intimate contact must be done before or after the hours of fasting.
Can I touch my GF during Ramadan? ›
Yes, you can hug and kiss your partner during Ramadan. Sex is allowed during Ramadam if you are married, but not during the fast. Just like food and drink, your natural urges must be fulfilled when the sun sets.
Can you have a girlfriend in Islam? ›
But Islam does not forbid love. Ismail Menk, a renowned Islamic scholar, argues in one of his lectures that love, within boundaries and with expectations of marriage, is an accepted fact of life and religion — if done the right way.
