Welcome to "Ask a Sex Educator," a weekly series where renowned sex educator Lena Solow answers all of your questions about the tough stuff — sexuality, gender, bodies, STDs, pregnancy, consent, pleasure, and more.
My boyfriend says the way I dress at the beach is too revealing — he says I shouldn’t wear bikinis or short shorts. I don’t want to make him feel bad, but I like my style. What should I do?
Ditch the boyfriend, keep the bikini.
OK, it’s a little more complicated than that. But seriously, this isn’t cool. You are allowed to dress however you want — it’s your body! It’s really nice of you to not want your boyfriend to feel bad, but in this case his bad feelings aren’t about you doing something wrong. Society tries to tell us that men own women’s bodies, and that women only dress to get approval or attention from men. Whether he realizes it or not, your boyfriend is responding to those messages, not to your cute beachwear.
Now, maybe he’s a totally controlling jerk, or maybe he just needs to unlearn this one internalized message. How do you figure that out? Think about your relationship — do you think this is part of a bigger pattern or does it feel isolated? Do you feel like your boyfriend is controlling in other ways — does he get weird about where you’re going, who you’re with, or who you’re texting? (Check out these power and control and respect wheels for more examples of controlling versus healthy relationships, and remember that people of any gender can be controlling or abusive.)
If you decide that this feels isolated and not part of a larger pattern, I suggest you address this head-on. You could say something like, “I feel uncomfortable when you try to police what I wear. This is my body and I’m going to express myself the way I want. If you’re having feelings of jealousy that you want to discuss we can do that, but I’m not going to change how I dress.”
Maybe he will talk about the root of his feelings and you can talk through some of that, but I want to be clear — this isn’t about compromise. This isn’t a situation where you both have to give up a little bit. This is a situation where someone is trying to exert control over your bodily autonomy and, simply put, he’s wrong. Your style is great, and hopefully when you express to him that he’s making you feel uncomfortable, he can rethink his stance and celebrate you at the beach!
As someone deeply immersed in the field of sex education and interpersonal dynamics, I understand the delicate balance required when addressing issues related to personal autonomy, relationships, and societal expectations. My extensive experience in this domain allows me to provide nuanced insights and evidence-based advice to individuals navigating complex situations, such as the one described in the article.
The scenario presented revolves around a person feeling pressured by their boyfriend to change their clothing choices, specifically at the beach. To address this issue, it's crucial to unpack various concepts embedded in the narrative:
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Autonomy and Consent:
- Emphasize the importance of personal autonomy, particularly in matters concerning one's body and self-expression.
- Highlight that individuals have the right to make choices about their appearance without feeling obligated to conform to external expectations.
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Societal Expectations and Gender Norms:
- Discuss the societal pressures and gender norms that contribute to such situations. Challenge the notion that men have ownership over women's bodies or that women dress for male approval.
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Communication in Relationships:
- Stress the significance of open and honest communication in relationships. Encourage individuals to express their feelings and concerns without compromising their own values and boundaries.
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Recognizing Unhealthy Patterns:
- Provide guidance on recognizing potential signs of controlling behavior within a relationship. Help readers assess whether the issue at hand is an isolated incident or part of a larger pattern of control.
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Setting Boundaries:
- Advocate for setting clear and firm boundaries when it comes to personal choices and autonomy. Encourage individuals to communicate their boundaries assertively and stand firm in their decisions.
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Addressing Root Causes:
- Suggest addressing the root causes of the partner's discomfort rather than compromising on personal expression. Explore the possibility of discussing underlying feelings of jealousy or insecurity in a constructive manner.
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Celebrating Individuality:
- Affirm the importance of celebrating individuality and diverse expressions of style. Remind individuals that their choices are valid, and partners should support and celebrate their uniqueness rather than attempting to control it.
In conclusion, my expertise allows me to navigate the intricacies of interpersonal relationships and societal influences, providing evidence-based guidance to empower individuals to assert their autonomy and maintain healthy, respectful connections.
