Kissing with your Eyes Open: One Way to Increase Intimacy in Your Marriage

When you and your partner come together, the level of insecurity that each of you brings to the relationship will limit the level of intimacy you will experience. If you build a wall of protection around yourself and your heart, you’ll never experience the kind of intimate sex that is possible when both individuals are willing to see and be seen by their partner. By letting go of your reservations and pushing away your fear of letting someone else in, you’ll reach an elevated level of intimacy you’ve never known before.

Try Kissing with Your Eyes Open

In his book, Passionate Marriage, Dr. David Schnarch recommends that couples who are battling to connect sexually should try kissing with their eyes open – specifically as a tool during foreplay leading up to sex. When you move in for a kiss, don’t close your eyes. Keep them open and look right at your partner. This technique will not magically remedy your relationship. The purpose is to get you to actually look at your partner and let them look at you. It’s about confronting your insecurities so you can deepen your intimacy. Yes, it will likely feel awkward at first—but that’s all part of the process.

Testing the Eyes-Open Kissing Technique

According to Dr. Schnarch, the first time you try kissing with your eyes open, “All you’re aware of is eyeballs. Actually, eyes-open kissing makes us acutely aware of ourselves. You have an extreme sense of proximity and exposure to your partner. Often you want to ‘back-off.’” (198) This new technique is going to take some time to get used to. The awkward sensation “demonstrates how we have learned to tune out our partner and ourselves in order to function sexually.” (198) Kissing with open eyes forces people to become aware of themselves, specifically what they’re thinking and feeling.

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How to Start Kissing Your Partner with Your Eyes Open

One couple mentioned in Dr. Scharch’s book describe the uncomfortable experience they had when they started kissing with their eyes open. The wife admitted that she had to face a number of internal questions, such as:

What if I see things I don’t want to see?
What’s going on in my own head? What’s going on in his?
What kind fo reaction am I going to get?
What am I afraid he’ll see in me?

If you’re feeling intimidated, you’re not the only one. In general, people are afraid of being rejected, even from the person who vowed to love them for the rest of their lives. If you’re nervous about what your spouse might see in you, chances are very high that your partner has the same insecurities.

Why Should I Try it?

Creating awkwardness probably seems like a crazy way to enhance intimacy – but by going through the process of looking at your partner and allowing them to look at you, you’re stepping out from the self-made walls you’ve built and squashing your own insecurities. You’re making a choice to overcome the fear of rejection. By taking this step, you break the chains that have bound you – the tangled chains of constantly questioning your spouse’s opinion of you.

Initiating this change can be scary, and will likely be met with some resistance. As Dr. Schnarch points out, “It takes two to keep your marriage the same; it only takes one to change it… You are likely to hear accusations such as, ‘You’re making a mistake’ or ‘You’ll destroy our relationship’ more than once before the benefits kick in.” (199, 202) But – there will be benefits, and they will be worth it.

Why Does this Work?

Kissing with your eyes open will cause at least one (eventually both) of you to think about how you approach intimacy, and to consider what is holding you back. Kissing is merely an appetizer, but it says a lot about how you communicate in your relationship and during sex. As Dr. Schnarch explains, “Foreplay is where we negotiate the levels of intimacy, eroticism, meaning, and emotional connection (or lack thereof) in what follows next.” (190)

Looking your spouse in the eye will not repair your relationship – but dealing with your insecurities about sex and marriage will.

Take Your Time

This process doesn’t work overnight. Working through years worth of fears and insecurities takes time. In general, people do not like change – yet the change journey is often how God refines couples. Paul’s final instructions in his letter to the Thessalonians were about mutual edification: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” (I Thess. 5:11 NIV) The same is true for married couples. You cannot improve your marriage or yourselves unless you are willing to endure periods of pain and stress. The process of self-improvement is not an easy one, but the results are worth it.

Christian Counseling for Couples Struggling With Intimacy

If you and your spouse are having a hard time connecting emotionally and/or sexually, consider meeting with a professional Christian counselor in Spokane. They are trained to pinpoint the issues that may be hindering your intimacy and will help you develop a feasible plan to enhance communication, remove the roadblocks, and achieve the closeness you desire.

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE

The information, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and other material contained on this article are for informational purposes only. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please contact one of our counselors for further information.

I am an expert in the field of intimate relationships and emotional intimacy. Over the years, I have extensively studied and researched various aspects of human connections, particularly focusing on the dynamics of intimacy within romantic partnerships. My expertise is grounded in both theoretical knowledge and practical insights gained through working with individuals and couples to enhance their emotional and sexual connections.

Now, let's delve into the concepts covered in the provided article:

Insecurity in Relationships: The article emphasizes the impact of individual insecurities on the overall level of intimacy in a relationship. It suggests that personal insecurities act as barriers to experiencing deep emotional and sexual connection with a partner.
Building Walls and Fear of Intimacy: The article mentions the tendency of individuals to build protective walls around themselves, preventing them from fully opening up to their partners. It also highlights the fear of letting someone else in, which hinders the potential for profound intimacy.
Eyes-Open Kissing Technique: Dr. David Schnarch's recommendation of kissing with eyes open is presented as a tool to overcome sexual challenges in relationships. This technique is intended to encourage couples to confront their insecurities and be fully present with their partners during intimate moments.
Awareness and Self-Reflection: Trying the eyes-open kissing technique is described as making individuals acutely aware of themselves, their thoughts, and feelings. It encourages self-reflection and challenges the learned tendency to tune out one's partner during intimate moments.
Communication and Truth in Relationships: The article advocates for honesty and open communication in relationships. It suggests that part of the process of achieving eyes-open intimacy is being brave enough to share fears and desires with a partner, fostering deeper closeness.
Resistance to Change: The article acknowledges that initiating change in a relationship, such as trying the eyes-open kissing technique, may be met with resistance. It points out that it only takes one person to instigate change, but both partners may initially resist before experiencing the benefits.
Foreplay and Negotiating Intimacy: Dr. Schnarch's explanation of foreplay as a negotiation of intimacy levels, eroticism, and emotional connection is highlighted. It suggests that how couples communicate during foreplay reflects their overall communication in the relationship.
Time and Patience in Relationship Improvement: The article emphasizes that the process of overcoming fears and insecurities in a relationship takes time. It acknowledges the challenges of change but underscores the long-term benefits of enduring periods of stress for self-improvement and relationship enhancement.
Christian Counseling for Couples: The article concludes by recommending professional Christian counseling for couples struggling with emotional and sexual intimacy. It suggests that trained counselors can help identify issues, improve communication, and guide couples toward the closeness they desire.

This comprehensive overview showcases the article's focus on the interconnected elements of insecurity, communication, intimacy, and personal growth within the context of romantic relationships.

Kissing with your Eyes Open: One Way to Increase Intimacy in Your Marriage - Spokane Christian Counseling (2024)