Resentment is often defined as anger and indignation experienced as a result of unfair treatment, and it’s a relatively common emotion.
Those who experience resentment may have feelings of annoyance and shame—they might also harbor a desire for revenge. A person may become resentful as a result of a slight injustice or a grave one, perhaps harboring the same bitterness and anger over a small matter as they would over a more serious issue.
What Is Resentment?
Feelings of resentment are not linked to any particular mental condition but may instead result from the inadequate expression of emotions after a painful experience. They may come from a true, imagined, or misunderstood injustice. A careless comment made by a friend could facilitate indignation and grudging feelings, as could criticism from a boss. Resentment can also be broad and applied to large groups of people, often with drastic consequences; for example, racism and religious persecution often develop from deep-seated resentment.
A person experiencing resentment may feel personally victimized but may be too angry or ashamed to discuss the resulting emotions, instead allowing the grudge to fester and be expressed in the form of anger.
Signs of Resentment
Resentment can appear in many different forms. Some signs you may be harboring resentment include:
- Continual or recurring feelings of a strong emotion, such as anger, when thinking about a specific interaction or experience
- Inability to stop thinking about the event that triggered the strong emotions
- Feelings of regret
- Fear or avoidance of conflict
- Tense relationships
- Feeling invisible, inadequate, or less-than
Though resentment can be fleeting, dissipating when someone realizes an event was misinterpreted or receives an apology from the person who committed the offense, it can also be a persistent emotion. An individual may hold on to negative feelings, revisiting the distressing event again and again and becoming unable to let go of anger or a desire for revenge. In this instance, resentment may come to affect an individual’s mental health.
Resentment and Mental Health
Because resentment is a common emotion, most people will experience a general feeling of anger or annoyance over unfair treatment at some point in life. But problems can arise when a person is unable to forgive—persistent resentment might stem from a serious matter. For example, a person might, understandably, resent a parent after years of abuse and become unable to look past any injustice. However, when a person begins to feel like the victim in every negative situation, they may develop an altered perception of reality and find it difficult to see any positive outcomes.
Developing an ability to move on or forgive is considered an important aspect in overcoming resentment, as is acknowledging the feelings underneath the resentment and facing them one at a time. Resentment can intoxicate a person, as feelings of anger and rage lend a false sense of power and do not always encourage a healthy form of expression. But this intoxication can become dangerous, as any intoxication can, when feelings of resentment grow unchecked and turn into hatred.
Resentment in Relationships
It’s not uncommon for resentment to build up in intimate relationships, especially long-term ones. Some common causes of resentment in relationships include:
- Keeping score. If one person in the relationship feels they are constantly doing all of the heavy lifting in the relationship—housework, childcare, being the primary breadwinner, or initiating emotional connection and intimacy, to name a few examples—they may begin feeling resentment towards their partner.
- Unbalanced power dynamics. If one partner in a relationship feels constantly overpowered, steamrolled over, or unheard, they may begin to harbor resentment.
- Health or medical issues. When one person in a relationship is diagnosed with a chronic mental or medical health issue, this may mean their partner will begin to take on the additional role of caregiver. Over time, being a partner’s caregiver can cause some to feel resentful, especially if their own needs are not being met.
- Hurtful words. The longer a couple spends time together, the more likely one of them may be to say something that’s perceived as hurtful to the other. Couples who don’t communicate openly when they feel hurt by their partner may have higher chances of feeling resentful.
If left to bubble under the surface, resentment can end relationships. Those who feel resentful towards their partner may find that talking about what’s bothering them, no matter how minor or petty the issue may seem, can reduce the resentment they feel and even deepen their connection.
Couples who find themselves unable to let go of resentment may learn how to communicate about their feelings in couples counseling.
How to Let Go of Resentment
In many cases, letting go of resentment means forgiving. Some individuals find that making peace with something that happened and moving on works better for them. Regardless of how someone chooses to get rid of resentment, it most likely means adjusting one’s frame of mind or emotional responses.
To let go of resentment, it may help to:
- Consider why letting go is difficult. What feelings come up when you consider moving on from the resentment? Letting go of resentment can trigger fears of losing one’s identity, especially when the resentment has been held in for a long time.
- Use self-compassion. Sometimes those who hold on to resentment for long periods of time find that the emotions associated with the resentment, such as anger or regret, also provide a sense of security or familiarity. Self-compassion may allow these individuals to recognize that while this coping mechanism may make them feel better the short-term, it will wear them down over time.
- Explore empathy. When the person or action that caused resentment was based around a misunderstanding, or the person who did something hurtful does not understand what they’ve done, trying to see things from their perspective may help reduce resentment.
- Cultivate gratitude. When feelings of resentment start to bubble up, try listing things you’re grateful for. Focusing on ways in which you are privileged or fortunate can make it more difficult for feelings of resentment, which often thrive on self-victimization, to take root.
If neglected, resentment may become overpowering and even toxic to the person who harbors it. In these cases, talking to a therapist can help individuals explore the issue that caused the resentment, what is making it difficult to let go of, and coping strategies that help people reduce their resentment.
Therapy for Resentment
Those who find it difficult to forgive others for any wrong, no matter how slight, may find some benefit in therapy. Those who wish to understand the reasons for their resentment of a particular individual or situation might wish to revisit the event, alone or with the help of a therapist. Because the source of a person’s resentment can differ, there is no one type of therapy used to treat these feelings.
Methods of personal actualization have been shown to be effective therapeutic techniques for treating resentment. Individuals who have self-actualized tend to accurately perceive reality, experience empathy and compassion for others, and are typically able to accept the self and others easily. Therefore, these individuals may be less likely to blame others for wrongs or hold on to resentful feelings.
References:
- MacNeil, G., Kosberg, J. I., Durkin, D. W., Dooley, K., DeCoster, J., & Williamson, G. M. (2010). Caregiver mental health and potentially harmful caregiving behavior: The central role of caregiver anger. The Gerontologist, 50(1), 76-86. doi: 10.1093/geront/gnp099
- Sander, D. (n.d.). How to deal with feelings of resentment. Retrieved from http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/deal-feelings-resentment-14316.html
- Schwartz, A. (2012, May 21). Understanding resentment. Retrieved from http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=47219
- Thorpe, J. R. (2016, May 24). 4 Psychological signs you resent your partner. Retrieved from https://www.bustle.com/articles/162463-4-psychological-signs-you-resent-your-partner
Last Updated:03-5-2019
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ANDRE F
March 1st, 2017 at1:39 PMI have a question: Is there medication for resentment?
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Brian
February 5th, 2018 at8:55 PMIs there any known therapy for dealing with resentment stemming from an event of altered reality? My friend suffered what would be considered a sychophrenic break that altered her perception of 4-5 days while on a trip away from home with people that we normally don’t associate with. I am now 4 months into facing resentment from her for perceived unimaginable violations that did not, nor could not have occurred with no prospective answer for how to deal with the negative impact it is having on our relationship, her distrust of me, and possible punishments from her that are cloaked and hidden in her subconscious.
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Sheila
March 4th, 2020 at7:27 AMYou may benefit from Codependents Anonymous. Check out CoDA online for more info.
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Zara
September 6th, 2020 at3:08 PMHi,
Did you resolve issu with your friend? I have similar situation with my son. He is full of anger and revenge towards me, accusing me for everithing what had happened to him, does not like to go anywhere for help. He just goes to our friens houses and lay about me saying:” All world going to see what kind of mother you are.” I do not know how to talk to him anymore. I love him so much but I do not know how to help him.Reply
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kim
October 24th, 2020 at10:58 PMI also feel that my son resents me because of things he has went through in his childhood. He’s a grown man now and after being estranged for several years, we have reconciled and i rent a room in is house. He treats me like I’m second to everyone and everything. About a month ago we got into our first argument and he wanted to head butt me so bad, he scared me and I slapped him he pushed me and threatened to throw all my things out the window. Then with in a few days his dog almost got attacked by our roommates dog, i didn’t know the dog was outside and i left the door open, he screamed at me to get out. He apologized for that because he realized it wasn’t my fault. But long stories short, I feel he really doesn’t like me very much. He recently went through a breakup from a 10 year relationship and is always talking about killing himself. I’ve prayed for him and put him in Gods hands. I don’t know if he would ever do it but if it did happen i don’t want to be blindsided by such a terrible event. I really don’t know what hes capable of. I love him very much and it breaks my heart that we cant talk about whats hurting him, I work really hard to help with my share of rent and food and housework but nothing seems to be enough to at least get the respect I feel I deserve as his mother. Anyway thank-you for letting me share.
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Jimmy
November 18th, 2020 at5:47 AMHi This is very helpful. I was undervalued somewhere but I have decided to see the goodness and leave the negatives.
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Tina
January 18th, 2021 at11:51 AMHi. This is very interesting and helpful in that I now recognize that my feelings are anger and resentment. However, if one is being unfairly treated, is this therapy just telling one to ignore it? It is really difficult to just let someone keep repeating the same behaviors without feeling more resentment. Am I to assume that my feelings are automatically wrong? That is, I should work towards ignoring and accepting these wrong attitudes towards me if I want to be free from this horrible feeling? I was always taught to stand up and push back on people who behaved badly but, despite other colleagues agreeing with me, I have not been able to get them to accept they are behaving badly towards me and I feel like I only have the choice of allowing them to do this or leaving. Feeling righteous in my anger vs. the pain and low spirits I now am in most of the time. I feel I just want to give in and am losing interest in work, career, and myself. It spills over into be impatient all the time and not providing others the space to be wrong I resent those that are being allowed to behave wrongly and it makes me be negative towards them – being minimally instead of whole-heartedly helpful. And resentful towards my boss for his self-confessed weakness in controlling his reports. He just wants me to ignore everything and be a good girl. But it now seems a choice between self-esteem and confidence and becoming a drudge/doormat. How does one let go of the resentment from this scenario? Am I wrong and should seek help? Where can I go to find the way forward?
Sorry for length. I just feel there can be a difference between anger and resentment against unresolved wrongs vs. resentment that has spiraled due to small and relatively insignificant wrongs.Reply
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Michelle
February 20th, 2021 at4:26 AMBoyfriend of 10 years says no more sex until marriage. If I marry him I lose my 2 children’s state/free health insurance. I feel like I have a roommate. There is nothing, no hugs, just a fake barely goodbye kiss most mornings. He is on this religious kick. It’s not fair for him to take this away from me. I need and want to make love, I need sex, I need my boyfriend back in the bedroom. I tell him I will marry him by a pastor but not sign the state marriage papers. He says that’s a sin. I tell him when he stops paying his parents rent I can marry him because we’ll have more money. He says that’s another 2 years. I need therapy, I’m angry and cry and feel unloved.
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based anon
August 3rd, 2021 at10:26 PMYou know, abrahamic religion in general is trash. Those are the ones that tend to shame people over anything and everything (which is insane). I have my own issues, which is why I’m reading here to begin with, but I think there might be some help for your bf. Obviously, it’s messed up to start having sex and then just stop like that, and whatever’s going on there isn’t really genuine in the first place. I’m pretty uptight myself and wouldn’t want to mess around prior to permanent vows either, but I would never start and then just stop like that. Where I’m going with this is that this guy probably needs to look into Paganism and get away from abrahamic religion because it’s all pretty psycho, in my opinion (I was raised around that crap and that’s literally part of why I have issues, lol). I would recommend looking at Odinia, if you are so inclined. It is European-based, so I apologize if that’s not right for him and you, but every people has real traditions, and they are not this wal-mart style universalist desert garbage nor some reformed PC stuff in general. Thank you for reading all this and I hope you look back and maybe it can help him to realize not everything is so darn BINARY all the time and that there is some complexity to things. Dogma is BS, but you have to make good decisions because there are consequences for anything. By “you,” I mean everyone.
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someone
April 28th, 2022 at9:38 AMThanks for sharing this, I kinda feel like I resonate I do have alot of resentment I am starting to recognize that feeling, I grew as a gay Somali in Saudi Arabia, and I feel very resentful for the horrible way I was treated and discriminated against.. like not having any rights and being the equivalent to a person who just came the country and would get easily deported anytime.. I am resentful toward the Saudis for not even acknowledging the wrongs of their government and speaking about cuz they’re not affected and because they benefit from the discriminatory treatment, I am also resentful at abrahamic religion to depriving from personal liberty in the name of applying God’s law I am talking about sharia law I had incidents where I would be denied entry to public areas like a mall because apparently I was wearing a short that did not comply to public decency laws and it is gross, I am resentful at how alot of Saudis feel and act as if they’re better than others, another thing that I am resentful about is my father and his dictatorship and ill treatment I remember growing up I was told by him that I am not the son he dreamed of having or me being shy and covering myself shirtless with a blanket and him pulling that blanket away from to me crying somewhere else to hide.. and him coming to beat me cuz I am a man, or how I didn’t feel like I accepted my self and my sexuality for a long time.. it is crazy. so I am resentful toward Saudi Arabia, religion and my father. I tried to write this to idk attempt maybe by doing so I might feel alot better I wonder maybe as this article says expressing your emotions can help you move on,if somebody reached this far thanks, and I wish you freedom and a peaceful happy life.
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Chris
June 3rd, 2022 at6:53 PMIm resentful at my ex Wife. She KNOWINGLY did things to hurt me & 6 yrs ago was the straw that broke the camels back and I kicked her out and we separated. We stayed friends and stayed married until early 2021 we got a divorce and the weird thing is I had at some point gotten over what she did but lately she’s been downplaying what she did and keeps saying I ruined our marriage by kicking her out and deciding to seperate us. The more she downplayed and stopped taking responsibility for what she did made me start obsessing on the issue that happened as if it just happened right now and this happened 6 yrs ago! Why can’t I let it go? Why can’t I forgive her? I have zero trust in her and that’s never going to change. I wish I felt different but I dont and I can’t feel different, ive tried for 6 yrs and it still hurts like the moment I discovered everything
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Cassandra
June 13th, 2022 at5:04 AMSo I have a question my boyfriend of 12 years had a similar. Situation and he a very angry resentful man when he met me he wasn’t wanting another relationship never but I broke threw and Showed him there are good
Women to repair your heart I finally got him and reeled him in we just had our miracle baby in 2019 which was just diagnosed with autism it’s been really tuff and I just want to know how he feels so I can fix it I always try to be the person to help anyone out plus. I want this told to be happy everyone deveres happiness . What dose a ex wife do to a man ? Which makes it hard for them to truly love you because the first women ruined it for you.Reply
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Bridy
June 22nd, 2022 at8:16 PMI’ve been harboring resentment for 14 years from one particular incident caused by my husband. I will get busy- put it out of my mind-but it always comes back to haunt me. What is wrong with me? I hate feeling like this so much- but I can’t seem to change anything. The hurt feelings just happen and I feel alone and like I can’t connect to my husband because he’ll never truly understand how I feel. (Was not an affair, but another type of betrayal) I can’t talk to him because he’s apologized time and again- it doesn’t seem to help.
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Flodis
January 3rd, 2023 at9:58 AMI have read a few critical gender studies dealing with issues of fairness in society.
The latest wa about railway stations and commuting in sweden from a gender perspective. I was sadened by the negative perspective of females being pictured or perceived as looser or victims in the “gender order”.
With statements like :
“One of the most persistent patterns in the distribution of power is that of inequalities between women and men.”Women are depicted as passive victims who does not even share the physical reality of commuting. It says men drives cars as if women can not also have a car and drive wherever they like.
It sounds like a dangerous path where females view themselves as victims of men.
How useful is this idea for the wellbeing of women?
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janedoe
March 7th, 2023 at12:44 PMmy sister has forced me to take care of her dog for more than three years, I have to daily walk him, she makes promises she dont fulfill, she never said thank you or that she is sorry, I can’t say anything to her because she won’t listen, neither my parents. I took the decision to stop saying anything related to this to her and after three years my body is full of resentment, whenever she comes to home I can’t see her and I sleep so bad and starts and endless cycle of rumination. This thing is poison to me , I should have never stopped communicating my concerns, now I’m full of anger and I don’t want to see her anymore…
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