“Bhabhi! What are you doing? You know you aren’t supposed to be here, and still?” Smita’s sister in law Surbhi annoyingly asked her.
The whole house was a sweet blend of chaos and laughter. It was Smita’s daughter, Tia’s wedding tomorrow. As Smita walked out of the room, she turned once and smiled lovingly at the red and gold bridal joda. And a fountain of beautiful memories splashed before her teary eyes….Little Tia playing with her dolls…dressing up as the cutest little dulhan…mugging up tables…running towards her to hug her…making up stories and entertaining every one…
Tia had grown up to be such a lovely soul – exceptional at the work and an adorable human. Watching her grow up and becoming this responsible person filled Smita with pride. This was such a wonderful, ever-waited occasion that Smita couldn’t help wishing that her husband and Tia’s loving father was with them today. In an unfortunate tick of the clock, he had left them four years backowing to a cardiac arrest.
“Maa, which kangan for sangeet tonight?”The clinking of the kangans broke Smita’s reminiscing. But before she could say something, Surbhi signalled her to be careful and not to touch any of the bridal wear. Surbhi wasn’t being rude, but she was too, like the others, bound by customs. She held Smita’s hand and genuinely expressed her sympathy, “I understand your emotions, bhabhi, but it is apshakun for widows to hover around auspicious celebrations. You wouldn’t want bad luck to fall upon Tia’s marriage now, would you?”
Her words hurt Smita more than the pain she was enduring. “A mother’s presence would bring ill fate on her daughter?”
Widows are not allowed to be a part of any pious ceremony in most of the Indian households. My maternal aunt didn’t partake in her son’s wedding pooja. Even after the wedding, she helplessly stood behind as the other ‘lucky’ women welcomed the newlyweds into the house. We knew she wanted to embrace them and shower praises on her new daughter in law, but she wasn’t allowed.
Why do such customs exist that make the women feel second class? Her husband’s death is the most painful event in her life, isn’t she living that loss the most? And to top it all, the society banishes her from feeling good about the best celebration happening in her family? Why should a widow face such dehumanizingcustoms?
I heard a famous Guru saying that it’s solely because a wedding reminds the widow of her own days as a suhagan and makes her feel miserable about her loss. Now I have two questions on this reasoning;
(1) For awidowed mother – will seeing her child stepping into the new phase of life not make her feel ecstatic? Will there be even an iota of any negative emotion as she prays for her child’s happy and prosperous life ahead? You really think she will feel miserable looking at her child’s excitement? Of course, she will think of her late husband, but with immense joy and gratitude that their little doll has turned into this wonderful and mature human being who is ready to take on life. Her child’s happiness is what motivates her to live, don’t be so mean and snatch that away from her.
And going by the same reasoning,
(2) For awidowed father – how is his mental state different from a woman’s? Won’t he too be flooded with emotions and feel desolate while attending a wedding? Won’t he miss his departed wife and feel miserable at his own child’s wedding? Why are these ‘prescriptions’ not meant for him and why can he actively partake in the preparations for any auspicious celebration or pooja? No one questioned, or even as little as raised an eyebrow when my maternal uncle performed the kanyadaan.Wasn’t that grave apshakun? How was that OK? And if it was, then why was my aunt treated as a contagious disease?
I don’t know if my cousin took a stand. And if he did, then perhaps was shushed by the elders citing the cogency of age-old rituals.
Who decided that a married woman is saubhagyawati?
Why is she responsible for any good or bad fortune?
Why burden only her with these restrictions when marriage is a bond between two?
Please comment below and share your thoughts on this practice.
