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Lindsay Dodgson
Updated
2023-02-01T13:00:56Z
- Having "the talk" means you're ready to make a relationship "official."
- Some couples simply slip into a committed relationship, whereas others need a direct conversation.
- According to relationship experts, you should be able to broach the subject after two months.
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It's never been crystal clear when exactly you should have "the talk." Some couples simply slide into a committed relationship with ease, while others find it harder to decide whether they really are official or not.
Dating apps only make it more confusing, with the possibility your new flame is also dating several other people. Before you have the conversation, you simply don't know.
A survey by jewelers F. Hinds found that nearly a quarter of people might consider themselves in a relationship after kissing each other, while 27% would label it a relationship if it was a "friends with benefits" situation.
But whatever the assumption, it's still not clear if you're both on the same page.
You'll get some answers after a couple of months.
According to relationship psychologist Claire Stott, currently a data analyst at dating app Badoo, after a couple of months, you're perfectly entitled to get some answers.
"It's difficult ...[but] I would say it's socially acceptable to talk about exclusivity after a couple of months," she told Insider. "You might do it before, maybe because the other person is totally on the same page, but I think give it a couple of months."
Many people fall into the trap of throwing themselves into a relationship, only for it to fizzle out, she said. So it's best to wait a little while before you announce your partner as your boyfriend or girlfriend.
"But it is treacherous, it is difficult, because if you really like that person, you don't want them to be dating other people," said Stott. "Equally you don't want to scare them off."
You want to see how they handle things, from holidays, to getting sick.
Author and speaker Teresa Lodato, who previously worked as a dating coach, told Insider there's no set time frame to making a relationship official, but she would recommend at least one month to get to know someone to get a gauge on how they handle different situations, including stress, family and friendship dynamics, jealousy, and anger.
"For a long term relationship you would want to see someone through a full calendar cycle at least to get an idea of who they are," she said. "You want to experience a relationship with them to observe how they handle the holidays, tax season, vacations, the flu, and every other thing that happens over the course of a year."
Even when going through all the "seasons" of life, there will "always be more to know," Lodato added.
"Time will reveal the truth of who someone is because those who are not authentic are unable to hide their true selves for very long," she said.
There are certain things you should know about each other before becoming exclusive.
Jessica Alderson, the cofounder and relationship expert at dating app So Syncd, told Insider there are certain things couples should know about each other before going exclusive.
One of the most important is life goals, and whether both people's future plans compliment each other.
For instance, do you both want to get married and have children? Where do you both want to live, the city or the suburbs? Lifestyle is also important, because while it's good to have different hobbies and interests, you do want something in common.
"Making sure your life goals align doesn't mean they should necessarily be the same," Alderson said. "But it does mean that they can co-exist and complement each other."
Couples should also lay out their relationship expectations in the first few dates, letting the other know exactly what they want from each other.
These questions can be tough to tackle when you're getting to know someone because they feel intense, but it's better to address them early on.
"You should also discuss what commitment means to both of you," Alderson said. "Relationships are complex and nuanced, so it's important to make sure that you have similar expectations."
How you communicate and argue are vital.
Other things to consider, according to Alderson, include communication styles, conflict resolution styles, and values.
"Communication is the backbone of every healthy relationship," she said. "It's impossible to build a deep connection without communicating openly and honestly."
It is especially important to see how your partner handles disagreements, because things can spiral out of control easily if partners don't listen to one another.
Values, Alderson said, are what motivates us to "behave in certain ways and hold certain beliefs," so it's vital to discuss them with a potential partner to see if they are compatible.
For example, if you are very close to your family but your partner doesn't show any interest, it might not be the best fit.
Other things to consider include religion, finances, and sexual preferences.
Both religion and finances can be touchy subjects, but they are pretty important in the long run, Alderson said.
Religion can impact everything from how you raise children to what holidays you celebrate, and it also might affect how your respective families view the relationship.
Money can be a huge stressor in life, so understanding how each of you handles your finances can help manage expectations upfront.
You don't have to get too deep into these issues — understanding each other and listening is enough at the early stages.
Sexual preferences may be something to think about sooner.
"You would be surprised at the number of couples who break up because their sexual preferences don't match," Alderson said. "Talking openly and honestly about sex gives you both an opportunity to express your desires, discuss boundaries, and figure out if there are any sexual deal-breakers present."
It may all depend on how much spare time you have to hang out together.
If you live in a busy city like London or New York, or you have a lot of hobbies and responsibilities, dating is just one of the many things you've got going on.
Going on dates is definitely a big part of your life, but you might not be able to fit as many in as you'd like.
"You might have one date per week, and actually, two months in you've met up with that person eight times," said Stott. "That's not loads is it, to get a gauge of what they're like."
If you're dating someone three times a week, you might get to the stage where you're happy to be exclusive earlier. And if you really like each other, you'll probably be seeing each other more often anyway. After all, if someone isn't making the time to get to know you properly, they're probably not all that interested.
"A lot of it is to do with trust, and how confident you are, and if they're on the same page as you," Stott said.
"If you really don't trust them and you think they're definitely dating other people, they haven't deleted dating apps on their phone ... it sounds like you're not that committed to each other."
Do they like really you?
One simple way to work out whether you're going towards a committed relationship is to ask yourself if you feel confident when someone asks "does he/she like you?"
If you think they do, then you're in the right frame of mind to approach the exclusivity conversation. If you're not sure, then you should probably work out why that is before you start thinking of settling down.
You can also introduce them to your friends and see how they react. Your friends will be able to pick up on how they act around you, and whether they flinch when you call them your boyfriend or girlfriend.
They'll also have more of an objective perspective, because you'll probably be wearing the rose-tinted spectacles of a new romance.
"Quite often we are blinded by our feelings, so we don't know if someone's into us," Stott said. "Friends will say things like 'oh we've seen the way he looks at you, he's definitely keen.'"
Overall, you should see a future before broaching the subject.
Alderson said people should generally know if they are compatible within 3-6 months.
Any less than that, "and you risk falling for the idea of somebody rather than who they actually are," she said. "Much longer than six months, and you can end up wasting your time and energy on a situation where there isn't any real commitment."
Overall, couples should know enough about each other and feel confident they see a future together. They should also feel like the relationship has a strong foundation to build on.
As a rough rule, two months in should be a safe amount of time to broach the subject, Stott said.
But every relationship is different, so if it feels right earlier, go for it. If it doesn't feel right at that stage, there are a few steps you can take to build yourself up for the conversation.
"Ultimately it is very subjective," Stott said. "There's no completely right answer."
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