Today's couples are getting married later in life than their parents did. In 1970, the average man was 23.2 at the time of his first marriage, while the average woman was 20.8, according to data from the U.S. Census Bureau. Per data compiled in 2022, the average ages are 30.1 and 28.2, respectively—an increase of almost a decade in the past 50 years. It's clear that people are waiting until their older to get married, but did you know that it's also more common than ever for couples to date and live together for years before tying the knot? "Many couples are both working and building their careers and are choosing to postpone weddings due to the time and effort involved," says Rebecca Hendrix, a New York-based licensed marriage and family therapist.
Meet the Expert
Rebecca Hendrix is a New York-based licensed marriage and family therapist with over 12 years of experience. She has a master's degree in counseling psychology from the University of Santa Monica and has advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
As the cultural view of marriage shifted from co-reliance and obligation toward love and personal satisfaction after the women's liberation movement of the 1960s and '70s, couples began delaying marriage and spending more time enjoying their relationships while they achieved their personal goals.
Most couples date for two or more years before getting engaged, with many dating anywhere from two to five years. Once the question is popped, the average length of engagement is most often between 12 and 18 months. Here, we take a deep dive into how long most couples date before getting engaged and what you need to know before tying the knot.
While responses are clearly varied, data supports that the average length of a relationship before marriage is between two and five years. Just because couples are delaying marriage doesn't mean they aren't creating lives together, though. It's more common than ever for couples to live together before getting married, and it's viewed as far more socially acceptable today than it was even just a few decades ago. "Most couples I see live together on the path towards marriage," says Hendrix. "There are a few who have lived together for a long time, consider themselves ‘married but without the paper,’ and might only get married if they have a child." Findings from the Pew Research Center's 2019 survey of nearly 10,000 U.S. adults echo this statement, with two-thirds of married adults who lived with their spouse before tying the knot saying their cohabitation was a step toward marriage.
Further, about half of survey respondents said couples who live together before marriage have a better chance of having a successful marriage than those who don’t, and 69% said cohabitation is acceptable, even if the couple does not plan to get married. The report also said that among adults ages 18 to 44, 59% have lived with an unmarried partner at some point in their lives.
When asked if couples should live together before marriage, Hendrix says, "It’s a personal choice.If they have only long-distance dated and are considering marriage, then I advise they spend some time living together so they can see how they do when around each other every day. What do they fight about? Can they repair after a fight?" She also says that if a couple is engaged and only one partner seems motivated to get married soon, they should get on the same page about having the wedding before deciding to move in together.
Things to Consider Before Marriage
People are putting off marriage longer for economic reasons. "Marriage is a big expense. Many find the economy unstable and their jobs not secure and are hesitant to spend savings or their parents' money on a big wedding," says Hendrix. A 2017 study by the Pew Research Center found that roughly half of never-married adults ages 18 to 29 cite financial instability as a major reason why they are not married. That makes sense, considering the national average cost of a wedding ceremony in 2018 was $44,105, according to the Brides American Wedding Study. With student debt rates higher than ever—Americans owe over $1.64 trillion in student loans—paying those off or at least making a dent in them is something many would like to accomplish before saying “I do.”
It's not just about the money, though. Hendrix says she asks couples to ensure they can answer "yes" to these three questions before deciding to get married: Do you have a way of handling conflict that works for both of you? Can you make yourself happy with this person? Are you invested in their happiness? "A successful marriage requires a lot of work, and it's like driving a car—you need two hands on the wheel. If one person stops driving, the car will veer off the road," she says. "It's not easy to just walk away once you're married, so it's extremely important to be able to resolve conflict in a way that's sustainable."
Once a couple does decide to get married, though, it tends to lead to higher rates of satisfaction than just living together. The Pew Research Center's 2019 study found that 80% of married adults said they feel closer to their spouse or partner than to any other adult, compared to just 55% of cohabitators. "When two partners choose marriage, they are saying, unconsciously, ‘We are on the same page about this relationship, want the same things, and will be there for each other when things get tough.’ This provides a level of security, which in turn allows each to feel more emotionally safe and less anxious about the possibility of the other partner leaving," says Hendrix.
The Knot Worldwide, formerly XO Group, The Knot Inc, and WeddingWire, Inc, is a global technology company that provides content, tools, products and services for couples who are planning weddings, organizing a celebration, and navigating pregnancy and parenting.
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2023 Engagement and Jewelry Study, the average relationship length before getting married is two (or more) years. This was true for just over 70% of the couples surveyed, which means approximately 30% of couples got engaged in two years or less.
The Knot surveyed 5,000 couples and found that the average couple has a relationship length of two or more years before getting married, with only 30% of couples getting engaged in less than two years. They also found that the average United States engagement length was 16 months.
In general, however, I recommend that my clients who are over 40 date for no more than six months before making a decision. Do we want this relationship to lead to marriage? If so, then build on that intention.
In contrast, women tend to say those three words after 122 days, or four months, into a new relationship. Men were also found to be the first to think about telling their partner they love them, with thoughts of love appearing after 69 days together, compared to 77 days for women.
Duration of courtship should be based on the ages and level of understanding of the partners. If both partners are already old, say between 35 and 40 years, their courtship should be between one or two years. But if they are younger, between three and five years is okay.
The honeymoon phase is an early part of a couple's relationship where everything seems carefree and happy. It usually lasts from six months to two years and can be marked with lots of laughs, intimacy, and fun dates.
To answer the question as to whether relationships move faster when you're older: it doesn't matter. Regardless of whether you're in your 30s, 40s, or 50s, time or age isn't relevant to emotional maturity – the two things don't come together.
As we saw above, the average age for a woman to start rocking a ring is around 27. However, when we took a deeper look, the most common age for a women to get engaged in much younger, 23 to be exact. If you're 23, and this is terrifying to you, have no fear.
It can be difficult to start dating when you're in your 40s or older, whether you've dated before or are starting out. However, with some speed dating advice and a positive outlook, you might enjoy the company of new people and discovering new relationships.
If a man maintains eye contact, shows physical affection, and has a relaxed posture around you, chances are he's falling for you! Equally, if you find your partner subconsciously mirroring your body language or posture, this may indicate a feeling of strong connection and camaraderie.
Maybe your loved one isn't fully in touch with their emotions or maybe they're afraid of rejection and abandonment—even if you're clear on where you stand. Another explanation could be that they're inexperienced with love or their feelings for you are so consuming that they aren't sure how to process them.
“The ideal age to get married, with the least likelihood of divorce in the first five years, is 28 to 32,” says Carrie Krawiec, a marriage and family therapist at Birmingham Maple Clinic in Troy, Michigan. “Called the 'Goldilocks theory,' the idea is that people at this age are not too old and not too young.”
People Often Meet 'The One' in Their Late Twenties
In the US, the average age for first marriage is 28, and the Pew Research Center concluded that 62% of college-educated individuals are married or have been married by 30. So, why are our late twenties the “right” age for settling down?
Though according to experts the average engagement length in the United States is between one and two years, there is no ideal amount of time to be engaged to ensure a successful marriage. Some couples get engaged and race to the altar on the same day, while others can take a decade.
Long-term relationships tend to last anywhere from two to three years, with couples breaking up around this time. Not surprisingly, this is when many couples experience the oxytocin dip and feel less infatuated with each other. They may begin to notice relational issues that bother them or feel unresolvable.
Read on to see what we found! We started where it all begins and asked respondents how many months had elapsed between their meet-cutes and engagements. We discovered that, on average, couples date for about 30 months or just over 2.5 years before engaging!
Introduction: My name is Aracelis Kilback, I am a nice, gentle, agreeable, joyous, attractive, combative, gifted person who loves writing and wants to share my knowledge and understanding with you.
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