By: [no author name found]
It has been twenty-seven years since “Full House”ran its final “very special episode” of the hit ABC program. In that episode, Michelle Tanner, played by the percocious twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, falls off a horse and gets amnesia, and she relies on her family and friends to help jog her memory back.
After the recent unlucky turn of events in their lives, the Olsen twins are probably begging for amnesia.
Recently, the Olsen twins’ media empire has found itself crumbling amidst rumors of a massive Enron-like scandal. The events of which came last Friday, when police raided the twins’ Santa Monica ranch, arresting the adorable-twosome and charging them with tax-evasion, money laundering and fraud.
According to police reports obtained by The Bacon, the twins were found in the ranch’s game room in a compromising position. “Mary-Kate was stuffing bean bag chairs with shredded documents. Ashley was discovered in the adjoining bathroom, painting the documents in neon-paints, and turning them into paper-mache beaded necklaces.”
After scouring through the 376-page court document on these events, The Bacon staff took a nap. Then, they woke up, reflected on this ridiculously bad attempt at satire, and wrote their opinions on this phony-baloney news article.
George Foothills, Production Manager
This is an outright lamentable tragedy. I have been following this talented double-mint pair of actresses ever since I caught them stealing the movie “It Takes Two” from Steve Guttenberg and Kirstie Alley. Since then, they’ve starred in hit after hit movie. “Passport to Paris,” “Winning London,” and the underrated “The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: The Case of the Sea World Adventure;” all classic works of modern cinema and darn adorable flicks with catchy tunes sung by the twins in duet.
And was I the only one who was outraged when Disney didn’t cast them in “The Parent Trap” remake?
I for one do not believe any of this scandal. If you ask me, most of these alleged “shredded documents” were probably the countless rejected scripts send to them by Dave Coulier.
Maura Rosenberg, Opinion Editor
Well, if you ask me, this all began when Michelle Tanner first said the words “You got it, dude,” which unbeknowst to the twins, was actually a code word that alerted a secret government agency on the ties between farmers and the plot to rub bananas on an effigy of Shakespeare. With an upbringing like that, it’s no suprise they went down this road.
Although it’s sad to see these scandals come to light, it was necessary in order to bring to light a greater, overriding controversy: the subversive, evil and inevitable conspiracy to strip us of our first amendment right to assemble peacefully in slumber parties. In fact, since the scandal, it has come to light that many slumber parties to date have included undercover agents. Bravo Olsen twins, crusaders in the fight for rights!
Colin Stalin, Arts Editor
It always amuses me to see the common news chasers obsess with every semi-celebrity. Just because the reach of their Empire rivals that of England at its colonialist zenith doesn’t mean that the Olsen twins should be greeted with the all-consuming hatred of these plebeians that try to bring them down. I say we allow these amazing business-women the privacy that their many managerial successess have earned them over the years, and leave them room to steer their wonderful career into even more glorious streams.
Chrystopher Richter, News Editor
Hah! [Bleeps] had it coming.
Maybe next the cops can arrest that annoying [bleep] who played Kimmy Gibler. Ugly [bleeping] [bleep].
Now, that Six chick from “Blossom”? She was [bleeping] hot. Annoying, but [bleeping] hot.
