Wedding Q.&A. (Published 2014) (2024)

Close Friends, but Not That Close

My fiancé and I shared our engagement news with a couple who we consider good friends. When they started asking about wedding plans they said they hoped they were invited to the wedding. We told them that it would be small and then they offered to host a reception for us with all our friends.

We were a bit taken aback. Hosting something like this can be pricey and I didn’t think they were all that well off financially. Also, I hate to be under that much obligation to someone. As I said, we are good friends but we are not that close. Honestly, I would not be inclined to do something like that for them. Do I refuse or do I accept?

This sounds like a one-two punch: the hinted ask for a wedding invitation, followed by the offer to host a party. Since you consider this couple to be among your closer friends, trust that their enthusiasm is well-intended and they have no idea they have put you in an awkward spot. It’s not uncommon for newly engaged couples to be inundated with offers from friends and family to host events, such as showers and parties, or to be asked who is on the guest list, or even what they would like as a wedding gift. It can be overwhelming and difficult to respond to or accept such an outpouring of generosity. At this stage, it’s best to take all such offers under advisem*nt.

In this case, your first step is to express your appreciation of their generous offer — if you haven’t already done so – and then buy yourselves some time. “Russ and Julie – we are so touched by your generous offer! Todd and I haven’t gotten that far in our planning yet. Can we talk this over with our families and get back to you soon?”

Next you and your fiancé need to decide if this couple is on your guest list. Forget, for the moment, about their offer to host a party. You have been upfront with them about having a small wedding. Letting people know right away that the guest list will be small is a good way of getting the word out that they might not be invited — without hurting feelings. If your wedding is indeed going to be intimate, keep it that way. But if you are going to invite more than a handful of close relatives and friends, you would most likely feel good about including this couple who are obviously so happy for you. Definitely invite them if you are inviting mutual friends of yours and theirs.

So, what to do about your friends’ enthusiastic offer to host a reception for you? If they are not on your guest list, it makes sense to decline their offer. If they are on the guest list, wait until some of the whirlwind of enthusiasm calms down. If you still do not feel right about their invitation to be your hosts, be sincere and honest and let them know you cannot accept. You will need to be gracious as you decline their offer. Tell them you are honored that they so kindly offer to host a reception, but tell them you already have your plans in line and that you (or your families) want to host it yourselves.

Guest’s Beige Outfit Draws Unkind Comment

For a late summer wedding, I wore a lacy blouse and skirt in beige. I thought it was a lovely dress until I greeted the mother of the bride who looked me up and down and uttered a cold, “Look at you!” It was an awkward moment and I immediately felt that I’d committed a faux pas. Was the dress too bride-ish? Is that still a rule? The bride’s mother and I have not spoken since. Should I write an apology? Or should she for making her guest feel most uncomfortable?

Both beige and lace are O.K. to wear to a wedding, and your skirt and blouse sound like acceptable guest attire. In fact, today’s female wedding guests may even wear white, as long as they do not attempt to look like a bride themselves. It was unkind of the bride’s mother to comment negatively on your outfit, no matter how you were dressed. There is no need for you to send an apology, but don’t expect one from her, either. While her comment was out of line, given the scope of the day she may not even remember having said anything to you.

Your description of your outfit sounds perfectly benign, but if you are curious as to why it got such a reaction from the bride’s mother, I suggest you solicit the opinion of an impartial friend whose advice you trust. Being too bridal might not have been the case at all – but perhaps your clothes were perceived as too short, or too sheer (lace, remember?), or too décolleté. It still doesn’t excuse the bride’s mother’s remark but it might explain her reaction. What seemed perfectly appropriate to you and your contemporaries might be viewed differently through the eyes of a mother-of-the-bride. Get a trusted second opinion.

Meantime, I hope you remain on friendly terms with the bride and don’t let this incident mar your relationship with her. If you do see her mother again, there’s no need to bring up “the outfit.”

Peggy Post is the author of “Emily Post’s Etiquette, 18th Edition” and a director of the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt. The institute provides etiquette and relationship advice through books, business etiquette seminars and the web, and is run by descendants of Emily Post.