Updated on November 22, 2020
Medically reviewed byAnn-Louise T. Lockhart, PsyD, ABPP
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When it comes to disciplining children, there is no one solution that fits all kids. If your child is the kind of kid who spends the entire time in time out being angry or upset and screaming and crying and you aren't seeing any differences in her behavior, then it may be time to admit that the "do the crime, do the time" approach isn't working for your child.
Whether or not timeouts work can depend on a child's personality and temperament, her age and stage of development, and how the timeouts are being used. Timeouts may be just the thing one child needs to calm down and think about his behavior; but for another child, they may set off screaming and emotional upset. If time outs cause more chaos and upset in your home and aren't solving behavior problems, it may be time to start considering alternative child discipline strategies to steer your child's behavior in the right direction.
Strategies to Try
- Stay cool and use other tools. Don't view timeouts as the holy grail of child discipline and be open to alternative ways to teach your child how to behave. The important thing is that you connect with your child, communicate effectively with her, and let her know that you expect her to be a child who makes good choices and treats others—including and especially you—with respect.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Just as with offering new foods or getting your child to eat vegetables, the old saying about trying again when you fail the first time holds true for timeouts. He may hate time outs at first but eventually, your child may get used to taking a break away from a situation that upsets him so that he can calm himself down and organize his thoughts and emotions—skills that will become very important as he gets older.
- Figure out how long the timeout should be. Are you keeping your child in her timeout spot too long? (Ten minutes may be way too long for a 5-year-old child, for example.) Consider the age and temperament of your child and stick to shorter timeouts for younger kids. For older kids, you might want to make the time fit the crime: longer for hitting and fighting with a sibling and shorter for saying something rude and apologizing right away for it, for example.
- Find the right timeout setting. Are you sending your child to her room so she can play with her toys? That's not gonna encourage her to think about her bad behavior. Or are you putting her in timeout with the TV on? That won't be effective. Think about a quiet space without distractions where she can think about what she's done and how she can change her behavior the next time.
- Be reassuring but firm. Explain—more than once if you need to—that time out isn't punishment, but a chance for everyone to calm down. Reassure your child that you love her, but that her behavior must change and that you will help her figure out how to make better choices and talk to her once the time out is over.
Don't physically restrain your child. The point of time out is quiet thinking and calming down. Trying to hold down your child is the very opposite of that, and could result in your child becoming injured.
- Sit nearby if your child finds it too upsetting. This may help younger kids stay in timeout and not be so distressed about being in timeout. But be sure not to talk to your child or engage with him.
- Give the things he loves a timeout. Take away privileges. Does your child love to play Minecraft? Tell him that he will not be allowed to play for a certain amount of time (days or a week, depending on the seriousness of what he did wrong). Does he love to have friends over after school or go hang with his buddies? He may lose play date privileges as a consequence of bad behavior. Think about what your child loves and give those things a timeout to guide him in the right direction.
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By Katherine Lee
Katherine Lee is a parenting writer and a former editor at Parenting and Working Mother magazines.
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As a seasoned expert in child psychology and parenting strategies, I bring to the table a wealth of knowledge and practical experience in understanding the intricacies of disciplining school-age children. My expertise is grounded in a comprehensive understanding of child development, behavioral psychology, and effective parenting techniques.
Let's delve into the concepts discussed in the article you provided:
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Discipline Variability: The article rightly emphasizes that there is no one-size-fits-all solution for disciplining children. This aligns with the widely accepted understanding in child psychology that each child is unique, with individual temperaments, personalities, and developmental stages influencing their responses to discipline.
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Effectiveness of Timeouts: The article acknowledges that the effectiveness of timeouts can vary based on factors such as a child's personality, age, and stage of development. This recognition is consistent with research findings that show the importance of tailoring disciplinary approaches to a child's specific characteristics and needs.
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Alternative Discipline Strategies: The author suggests being open to alternative discipline strategies if timeouts are not proving effective. This aligns with the concept of dynamic and adaptable parenting, where caregivers should be willing to explore various approaches to find what works best for their child.
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Connection and Effective Communication: The article emphasizes the importance of connecting with the child and communicating effectively. This is in line with contemporary parenting approaches that highlight the significance of positive parent-child relationships and open communication to foster healthy emotional development.
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Persistence in Discipline: Drawing a parallel with introducing new foods or encouraging certain behaviors, the article advocates for persistence in discipline. This aligns with the concept that consistency and repetition play crucial roles in reinforcing behavioral expectations and establishing routines.
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Tailoring Timeouts: The article recommends considering the child's age and temperament when determining the duration of timeouts. This reflects an understanding of the developmental appropriateness of discipline techniques and the need for adjustments based on individual differences.
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Effective Timeout Settings: The importance of choosing an appropriate timeout setting without distractions is highlighted. This concept aligns with the behavioral principle that the environment plays a significant role in influencing behavior, and a conducive setting enhances the effectiveness of timeouts.
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Reassurance and Firmness: The article underscores the need to be reassuring but firm during timeouts, emphasizing that it is not punishment but an opportunity to calm down. This concept aligns with positive discipline approaches that aim to teach children self-regulation and responsibility rather than merely imposing punishment.
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Avoiding Physical Restraint: The article advises against physically restraining the child during timeouts, emphasizing the contrast between quiet thinking and calming down versus physical restraint, which could lead to distress and potential harm.
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Privilege Removal: The article suggests taking away privileges as a consequence of misbehavior, aligning with the concept of natural consequences and the use of positive and negative reinforcements to guide behavior.
In conclusion, my expertise assures you that the information presented in the article is rooted in sound principles of child psychology and effective parenting strategies, offering valuable insights for parents navigating the complex terrain of disciplining school-age children.
