Are couples becoming monogamous too fast? (2024)

Plenty of our contemporary dating rituals are painfully drawn out. We spend weeks cautiously flirting on dating apps and months remaining in undefined gray areas, only for our egos to then make us dance around the exclusivity talk in some strange ways. Let’s be clear: There’s no right or wrong way to do a relationship. You don’t have to want to be in one (open or otherwise); and if you are dating, you certainly aren’t required to make things exclusive with one or more partners. In fact, these days, increasingly more people are going the relationship anarchy route.

But, of course, some of us do want monogamy — and when we actually find someone we'd like to be monogamous with, it can be tricky to figure out the best time to have “the talk.” How many dates before a relationship is typical? Like everything else relating to relationships, that can vary widely among couples — you could have a turbo relationship or take things really slowly. That said, according to a Google survey of 3,058 individuals in February of 2015 by Mic, the most common timetable for having the exclusivity talk in a relationship was less than four weeks. A full 45.2% of respondents said they dated their current partner for less than a month before taking themselves off the market, while 28% of respondents said it took them just one to two months.

If a month sounds like a surprisingly short time to contemplate a monogamous partner, know that for a lot of people, it really isn't. Perhaps the game has changed. Here's what to consider.

How many dates before a relationship is typical?

According to a 2015 dating survey conducted by Time Out of 11,000 people worldwide, people decide to go exclusive and stop seeing other people after six dates — which, for many, falls in line with the one- to two-month mark. They officially declare themselves a couple after nine dates, on average. A 2017 poll conducted by Groupon of 2,000 U.S. adults, meanwhile, found the answer of how many dates before a relationship gets discussed to be five.

So, how can one month of five or six dates turn into an exclusive relationship? Let's do the math. People tend to spend at least three to four hours on a good date (and that's a conservative estimate), which means after five or six dates (assuming no sleepovers), you've spent almost 20-to-24 hours together.

How many dates before sex is typical?

Six dates might not seem like enough to build intimacy, much less prompt an exclusivity conversation. But depending how physical those dates get, they can. According the Time Out survey, the average time it take for people to get to the sex part is 3.53 dates; while the Groupon respondents reported waiting an average of 8 dates before having sex. Previous surveys have estimated that we're willing to both kiss and sleep with someone after just two to five dates. That means after six short dates, 20-somethings are bound to have kissed, had sex multiple times, and spent cumulatively an entire day with the person they're just beginning to date.

But even those people who just focus on making out during the early weeks of a relationship can form a serious connection. A 2013 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that the primary function of first kisses is to determine mate suitability, and kissing has a meaningful effect on pair bonding — something study author Robin Dunbar called the "Jane Austen" assessment.

Theoretically, the more we engage in physically intimate behaviors with our partners, from kissing to casual sex, the more likely we are to form meaningful bonds that can lead to the real-deal relationship talk. Sounds pretty idealistic, but hey, it works for at least some people. A 2021 YouGove survey of more than 1,300 Americans found that 15% of respondents who were married or in a serious relationship and have had sex, did so within one week of starting the relationship; 19% did so sometime between one week and one month; and 21% did the deed between one and three months.

Plus there's evidence that heightened levels of the bond-forming hormone oxytocin are responsible for driving those butterflies as well as maintaining long-term connections. With a jolt of hormones, some researchers found that "falling in love" (or, let's be real, lust) only takes https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/10/101022184957.htm. That's a lot less than six dates.

How important is communication in a new relationship?

That physical and emotional intimacy is amplified by behaviors that connect us faster and more frequently to the people we've just met. As reported by Slate, a 2014 State of Dating in America survey found that 78% of singles expect to be communicated with in some way within 24 hours of a really good date, with 31% of people ages 25 to 29 citing texting as a good means of asking someone out. And if that first text goes unanswered? Data from the dating app Hinge revealed that it’s actually beneficial to send a follow-up, rather than give up, Insider reported. Then there's the texting between dates (although the practice remains controversial).

That constant contact fosters feelings of support and communication that make relationships last. According to the Pew Research from 2014, "41% of 18- to 29-year-olds in serious relationships have felt closer to their partner because of online or text message conversations."

Those texts, emoji-filled as they may be, are shortcuts to intimacy. In a small study of texting and relationships, Amanda Klein of Towson University found that, during "the early stages of a relationship or in casual dating scenarios, texting is an ideal mode of communication, as it helps reduce uncertainty and lessen anxiety," according to the Huffington Post.

That increased communication, plus the physical intimacy, is jumpstarting relationships in a way not previously seen. In the early to mid-20th century, young daters were actually likely to keep their options open and “play the field.” According to surveys from the University of California Press from 1960, 51.6% of boys in their senior year of high school went on two dates a week, while fewer than half were “going steady” with anyone.

The bottom line

When it comes to being "exclusive," six dates, or less than four weeks, really isn’t so wild: We've had sex with the person, we've definitely spent time in their apartment, and we're probably exchanging mid-afternoon texts. It's the perfect terrain between something casual and something incredibly serious — but it's past the point where you're just leading someone on.

Again, these decisions are incredibly personal and vary from person to person. Ultimately, much of this timeline comes down to how your own relationship is progressing, how you feel, and the vibes you’re picking up on. Data can’t tell you everything or make important decisions for you. In fact, it’s important to note, as Healthline points out, that much of the data on how many dates people go on before having sex (or even before having the exclusivity talk) is cis-heterocentric and gathered using a narrow view of what constitutes sex and dates.

Bottom line? If you want to become monogamous, you and your partner will need to have an open discussion at some point — and it’s fair to say that after five or six dates, spending time with that person becomes a considerable investment; so it’s not unreasonable to want to start assessing whether to move on or really commit.

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Are couples becoming monogamous too fast? (2024)

FAQs

Why moving too fast is a red flag? ›

Caution: if someone is moving too fast, it's one of the clearest relationship red flags. This is an indication that they are either desperate or that they want to catch you before you discover some deep, dark secret.

Is our relationship moving too fast? ›

A sure sign that a relationship is moving too quickly is if you have trouble making decisions without your partner early on. It's not uncommon for people to lose themselves in their relationship, and over time couples find themselves dressing, speaking and even acting in a similar manner.

Is monogamy realistic in today's world? ›

The answer is simple: being monogamous is not as realistic as everyone thinks. This isn't to say that monogamy isn't possible, but rather that it isn't likely in a relationship meant to last a lifetime. With a national population near 350 million, perhaps there are just too many fish in the sea.

When should a relationship become monogamous? ›

There are a few things you can look for to see if you and your partner might be ready to talk about having a monogamous relationship. You've stopped dating other people and you don't have a desire to date anyone besides your partner. Your friends and family have either met or know about your significant other.

Is it a red flag if someone says I love you too soon? ›

While early relationship feels (and hormones) can be intoxicating, relationship experts warn that it might be a red flag if you or your partner is too quick to say, “I love you.” “'I love you' shouldn't be said lightly,” says “Dr.

Is catching feelings fast a red flag? ›

You're Declaring Really Big Feelings

That's probably a red flag that thing are going too fast. Expressing intense feelings before you've had time to really get to know each other is often a sign of fear and insecurity more than love.

Do couples that move fast last? ›

Can a relationship that moves fast last? While there is no guarantee that a relationship that moves too fast will last, there is no guarantee that it will come to an end also. Ideally, you and your partner should take things slow and spend more time together to keep the relationship blooming.

What is a healthy pace for a relationship? ›

1) Comfortable Pace: The relationship is moving at a pace that both partners feel good about. This includes touching and having sex as well as general emotional intensity. Each partner feels comfortable about their level of commitment and how they see the relationship. There is no pressure to become exclusive.

What are the hardest months in a relationship? ›

The first year of the relationship is the hardest stage, and even when you're living together, you still discover new things about each other every day. How to Survive: The key to getting past the discovery stage is also discovery. The discovery of your partner's imperfections and your imperfections as well.

Are we built for monogamy? ›

For humans, monogamy is not biologically ordained. According to evolutionary psychologist David M. Buss of the University of Texas at Austin, humans are in general innately inclined toward nonmonogamy.

Are humans becoming more monogamous? ›

Humans are now mostly monogamous, but this has been the norm for just the past 1,000 years. Scientists at University College London believe monogamy emerged so males could protect their infants from other males in ancestral groups who may kill them in order to mate with their mothers.

Why is monogamy rare? ›

Evolution dictates that genes have the final say. And if there is one thing genes want, it is to spread as far and wide as possible. That is why monogamy is rare among mammals. Females have to wait for a long gestation period to have a child, where as males could go and inseminate many other females in that time.

Are humans meant to be in monogamous relationships? ›

Monogamy in humans is beneficial because it increases the chances of raising offspring, but it is actually very rare in mammals – less than 10 per cent of mammal species are monogamous, compared with 90 per cent of bird species. Even in primates, where it is more common, only about a quarter of species are monogamous.

How soon is too soon to be exclusive? ›

If you know they're seeing other people and you'd like them to stop, knowing when to ask to be exclusive can be more complicated. While there are no firm rules, experts suggest waiting at least three months after you start dating someone.

How long does the average monogamous marriage last? ›

The median duration of first marriages that end in divorce is just under 8 years, while the median duration of second marriages that end in divorce is around 7 years.

What's the biggest red flag in a guy? ›

15 red flags in a relationship to look out for
  1. Overly controlling behavior. Overly controlling behavior is a common red flag in relationships. ...
  2. Lack of trust. ...
  3. Feeling low self-esteem. ...
  4. Physical, emotional, or mental abuse. ...
  5. Substance abuse. ...
  6. Narcissism. ...
  7. Anger management issues. ...
  8. Codependency.

Is 2 months too soon to say I love you? ›

Two months may be too soon to say “I love you” for some people, while the same period of time may be perfect for other couples. You may also want to consider checking on your own feelings. Lust and infatuation can sometimes mimic aspects of romantic love, and could lead you to say “I love you” prematurely.

What is emophilia love? ›

Abstract. Emophilia is defined by a tendency to fall in love quickly and often, which is associated with rapid romantic involvement. However, questions linger as to how it is different from anxious attachment, which also predicts rapid romantic involvement. One key difference is the process (i.e., approach vs.

Am I falling for him too fast? ›

People falling in love too fast usually devote their energy and time to one person, while their family and friends get blurred in the background. You even start being clingy, which may irritate your romantic interest. Instead of slowly building a happy relationship, you might end up pushing your partner away.

What is the most common red flag at the beginning of a relationship? ›

They Don't Respect Your Boundaries

When beginning to date someone, it's all about exploring these boundaries in a healthy way that makes each party feel respected and safe. If someone is pressuring or coercing you into bending your boundaries, it's a major early red flag in a relationship.

Do men fall in love quickly? ›

In fact, researchers found that men thought about confessing love six weeks earlier, on average, than women. The general consensus among studies on love is that men fall in love faster than women.

What is the 10 month relationship stage? ›

Stages of Relationships by Months

Stage 1: The euphoric stage - 6 months to 24 months (2 years) Stage 2: The early attachment stage - 12 months (1 year) to 60 months (5 years) Stage 3: The crisis stage - 60 months (5 years) to 84 months (7 years) Stage 4: The deep attachment stage - 84 months (7 years) and beyond.

How long is the honeymoon phase? ›

The honeymoon phase is an early part of a couple's relationship where everything seems carefree and happy. It usually lasts from six months to two years and can be marked with lots of laughs, intimacy, and fun dates.

How often should you see someone you're dating? ›

He told Bravo TV, "It's important to stick to twice a week only so that you have plenty of time away from your new date to give your deepest feelings time to percolate up from your subconscious.

What are the 5 bonding stages for a man? ›

What are the 5 bonding stages for a man? Appreciation, infatuation, attraction, impression, and conviction are the 5 bonding stages for a man.

How fast is too fast in dating? ›

If you plan multiple dates in the same week with one person, can't go long without texting or calling them, or just got out of another relationship, you could be moving too fast. "We should take our time to know a person and make sure they are who they appear to be," Sussman said.

What is the 80 20 rule dating men? ›

The 80/20 relationship theory states that you can only get about 80% of your wants and needs from a healthy relationship, while the remaining 20% you need to provide for yourself.

What years do most couples break up? ›

But even though all of that is true, there is still a pattern of break-ups that can be observed. On TikTok, couples counsellor Kim Polinder lists years three, seven, 11 and 15 as the big relationship breakers — or hurdles, depending on who you ask.

What month are couples most likely to break up? ›

March Is the Most Common Time for Couples To Split — Here's the Best Way To Do It Amicably.

What is the 3 month rule? ›

Three-Month Rule: After a Break-Up

Basically, after a break-up, the three-month rule is a rule that says you and your ex are both given 3 months before entering the dating scene again. Just waiting it out, and mourning that your relationship ended. Just go on with your individual separate lives and see what happens.

Why is monogamy hard for humans? ›

1. Our romantic drives are loosely coupled networks. Probably the biggest factor in why it is hard to remain monogamous is that there are several drives built into us that contribute to reproduction, but they do not work in unison.

What are the three 3 types of monogamy? ›

Recent discoveries have led biologists to talk about the three varieties of monogamy: social monogamy, sexual monogamy, and genetic monogamy. The distinction between these three are important to the modern understanding of monogamy.

What percentage of humans are monogamous? ›

As with all things concerning the human heart, it's complicated. “The human mating system is extremely flexible,” Bernard Chapais of the University of Montreal wrote in a recent review in Evolutionary Anthropology. Only 17 percent of human cultures are strictly monogamous.

Do humans naturally mate for life? ›

Balance of evidence indicates we are biologically inclined towards monogamy. Science has yet to definitively pronounce on whether humans are naturally monogamous (lifelong male-female breeding pair) or polygamous (single male breeding with more than one female).

Are men naturally monogamous? ›

Monogamy, after all, does not come naturally; it is not the norm unless a society enforces it as such. There are immense benefits to doing so. But it is unclear how well we humans can achieve this aim in the present environment.

Is monogamy unnatural? ›

Monogamy is not simply unrealistic; it is unnatural. You do not find it often in the animal kingdom, and where you do it is generally born of an evolutionary necessity. The necessity of monogamy among humankind has evaporated.

Are men naturally polygamous? ›

In essence, men are only socially monogamous rather than genetically monogamous.

Why do we crave monogamy? ›

Reasons a person might choose monogamy:

You enjoy feeling special and uniquely prioritized by a romantic partner. You struggle with maintaining many relationships at the same time, whether because of limited time or limited energy. You like the simplicity of having just one relationship to nurture.

What advantage does monogamy give males? ›

The PNAS paper, which analyzed 230 species of primates, concludes that protecting the kids is the greatest benefit of male monogamy. By sticking close to his mate a male reduces the risk of infanticide.

What does the Bible say about monogamy? ›

John Gill comments on 1 Corinthians 7 and states that polygamy is unlawful; and that one man is to have but one wife, and to keep to her; and that one woman is to have but one husband, and to keep to him and the wife only has a power over the husband's body, a right to it, and may claim the use of it: this power over ...

Who invented monogamy? ›

Socially imposed monogamy was first established in ancient Greece and Rome (even if sexual infidelity with concubines and slaves was largely tolerated).

Is monogamy a social construct? ›

It's a social and emotional construct but one that most of us have seemingly brought into in making it the status quo.

How many dates until you sleep together? ›

On average, men reported waiting about five dates, and women reported a preference of waiting closer to nine dates. Overall the average was about eight dates.

Should you sleep with someone before being exclusive? ›

Many dating experts suggest that you do not sleep with someone until you're in a committed relationship, but it's the 21st century and not everyone agrees. Nevertheless, it should be a mutual decision made in advance.

What are dating red flags? ›

Examples of dating red flags are: Talking only about themselves, avoiding difficult conversations, gossiping about their ex, and withholding affection.. Dating red flags can reveal themselves through a negative sign or action, a verbal or physical cue, or the hint of a personality flaw, and they can be dangerous if not ...

What is the hardest year of marriage? ›

According to relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, as it turns out, the first year really is the hardest—even if you've already lived together. In fact, it often doesn't matter if you've been together for multiple years, the start of married life is still tricky.

What is the most common age for divorce? ›

The average age for a couple entering their first divorce is 30 years old. And 60% of divorces involve spouses between the ages of 25 and 39.

How long do poly couples last? ›

On average, about 5-8 years.

Many polyamorous arrangements involve one “primary” couple and a “secondary” partner. Primary relationships last 8 years on average, while secondary relationships make it around 5 years.

Why is moving too fast bad? ›

In fact, moving too fast often leads to regret. Written and verified by the psychologist Valeria Sabater. Moving too fast in a relationship sometimes ends in regret. It happens because, in the initial stages of the relationship, you're both captivated and blinded by love.

What does it mean when a guy moves too fast? ›

So what does it mean when someone is moving too fast in a relationship? It means moving from not knowing them at all to meeting them every single day. It's when you make decisions without having enough information about them.

What is the biggest red flag in a guy? ›

15 red flags in a relationship to look out for
  1. Overly controlling behavior. Overly controlling behavior is a common red flag in relationships. ...
  2. Lack of trust. ...
  3. Feeling low self-esteem. ...
  4. Physical, emotional, or mental abuse. ...
  5. Substance abuse. ...
  6. Narcissism. ...
  7. Anger management issues. ...
  8. Codependency.

What does moving way too fast mean? ›

What does it mean when a relationship is moving too fast? Moving too fast in a relationship means that a relationship's pace is not aligned with both partners' thoughts and goals, as they don't know each other enough. It can also result from a partner's pressure on another to move faster than they are comfortable with.

Can spending too much time together ruin a relationship? ›

It may be bad for your relationship, warns sexual health expert Seema Anand. It's an age-old adage that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it really can be true when it comes to your relationships!

Why do rushed marriages fail? ›

On the downside, these relationships often fail because they're missing a solid foundation. Couples who move too fast may not have the time to develop important relationship skills, such as communication and conflict resolution. These relationships can also be very stressful and overwhelming.

How fast do men fall in love? ›

The average time for men to fall in love is 88 days, while those same feelings of true love take women 134 days. Another dating site, Elite Singles, did a poll in 2017 and found that 61 per cent of women believe in love at first sight, while 72 per cent of men do. These surveys focused on heterosexual relationships.

Why do people move so fast in relationships? ›

Always rushing into relationships can be a sign of a larger psychological issue. Adult ADHD has impulsivity as a main symptom. This means you don't think things through before before you diving in – including engaging in relationships.

What is the biggest green flag in a guy? ›

The biggest green flag on someone's dating profile is variety: plenty of pictures with friends, family – maybe even pets – so you can get a handle on who they are and how you could fit into their life (and also whether they have any good-looking friends who might suit you better).

What turns guys off in a relationship? ›

A Lack of Confidence

Being shy or not having an opinion of what you do is cute, sometimes. Constantly saying you don't care, when you probably do or even if you really don't, will leave a guy wondering if he's doing things the right way. Let your voice be heard and express yourself.

How fast is too fast to say I love you? ›

While men tended to consider confessions of love acceptable after about a month or so, women tended to say it was better to wait 2 to 3 months or so. Confessions of love generally inspired feelings of happiness, but men felt more positive about confessions that happened before the relationship became sexual.

When a man is rushing a relationship? ›

If a man is rushing into a relationship, it might be because he's insecure. He might feel like he's not good enough on his own, or like he needs to find someone to validate him. This can be a tough issue to deal with, but it's important to remember that you're not responsible for other people's insecurity.

What love bombing feels like? ›

“A lot of it can be verbal,” says Dr. Tiani. “If it's excessive and it feels like you're moving too quickly, that's a sign you may be getting love bombed. As the relationship goes on, these instances can get even more intense.”

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