Elements of Dance Etiquette (2024)

Aria Nosratinia

Contents

• Introduction
• What to Wear
  • Protocol
  • Comfort and safety
• Personal Grooming
• Asking for a Dance
• Whom to Ask
• Declining a Dance
• Being Declined
• On the Floor
  • Line of dance
  • Getting on the floor
  • At the end of the dance
  • Leaving the floor
  • Leaving entrances free
  • Sharing the floor
  • Aerials and choreography
• No-Fault Dancing
• Did Your Partner Enjoy the Dance?
  • Dancing to the level of partner
  • Being sensitive to partner'spreferences
  • Demeanor
• Teaching on the Floor
  • Unsolicited teaching
  • Soliciting teaching on the floor
• Summary

Also see BeyondDance Etiquette: Success and Enjoyment in Social Dancing

Introduction

Dance etiquette is a set of guidelines that help us navigate the social dimensions of dancing.

Why do we care about dance etiquette?Because it is nice to know how to go about in the dancing circles.It makes the difference between having a happy or unhappy dancingexperience, the difference between people wanting, or not wanting todance with you.

What to Wear?

Protocol:

Dancing has its own culture. If you want to join a group of dancers andenjoy their company, it is a good idea to follow the accepted costums oftheir dance group. One of the ways you get accepted into a group is bythe way you're dressed.

Themore formal the dance, the more formal the outfit. For example, if youare invited to a formal charity ball, anything less than a tuxedo formen or ball gown for women would be inappropriate. On the other hand, ata dance lesson at your local studio, there is usually no need to dressformally.

This is not as hard as it may seem; a little common sense goes a longway. Also, if in doubt, follow the crowd! See what others do and followsuit. If all else fails, you can always ask the dance organizers aboutthe dress code.

Below I give a guideline and explanation for dress code, which you maysee on invitations and announcements, as well as a general idea of whatto wear at different dance venues.

• White tie: White tie is the most formal category of dressing. For the gentleman,it means a black tailcoat with matching trousers trimmed by ribbon ofbraid or satin on the outside of each trouser leg, a white pique' tie,white pique' single or double-breasted vest, and a wing-collar shirtwith a stiff pique' front. White gloves are nice optional accessoriesfor gentlemen. The lady appears in a ball gown, which is an eveningdress with a full skirt, possibly with open back and low neckline. Elbow-length gloves are a nice addition for the lady.
• Black tie: Gentlemen in black tuxedo coat, trouserstrimmed with satin ribbon along the outside of the legs, cumme*rband andbow tie. The phrase ``black tie'' does not refer to the color of thetie. In fact colorful ties (with matching cumme*rbands) are verypopular. Ladies appear in ball gowns.
• Black tie optional: Same as above, except gentlemen havethe option of wearing a regular suit with a tie (bow tie preferred), andladies wear a co*cktail gown or dinner dress. Long to full-length skirtsare preferred; short skirts are not recommended.
• Formal: Gentlemen in suit and tie (nowadays a sport coatis often an acceptable replacement for a full suit), ladies in co*cktailgown or evening dress.
• Semi-formal: Gentlemen in dress slacks with dress shirtand tie, jacket is optional. Other options include a vest or a sweaterthat shows the tie. At the lower end of formality, these events can beattended without a tie, e.g. with a turtleneck and jacket. Ladies inevening dress or dinner dress, but other chic outfits are alsoacceptable (like flowing pants, etc.)
• Dressy Casual: Applies to most practice dances, workshops,and dance lessons. Gentlemen can wear coton slacks with solid colorT-shirt, turtleneck, mock turtleneck, or polo shirt. Ladies have a muchwider set of clothing options. Use your imagination and sense offashion. In general this is a conservative and toned-down appearancethat has grown increasingly popular on the dance floors. Don't forgetyour dance shoes!
• Country/Western: Country western attire has variationsacross the country, but generally it is acceptable to go in blue orblack jeans (not stone-washed) and cowboy boots. Make sure that theboots will not mark the dance floor. If you wear a hat, it may be a goodidea to take it off when going on the floor. Note that country westernfolks can be very sensitive about their hats. It is improper to touch orotherwise handle someone's hat, even if it sits on a table. For a ladyto pick up and put on a gentleman's hat is considered very flirtatious.
• Milongas: (Argentine Tango) For both ladies and gentlemen,black or dark themes are preferred.
• Latin: This refers to venues that specialize in Salsa,Merengue, Cumbia, etc. For gentlemen, any button-up shirt, solid T-shirtor mock turtleneck, dress slacks, and dance shoes. Jackets are nice, buta vest can be even more stylish. Unlike most other dance venues, brightand colorful outfits for gentlemen are acceptable, although dark themesare more common. Ladies can (and often do) wear sexy outfits: both shortskirts and longer slit skirts are popular. Low necklines and exposedmidriffs are not uncommon.
• Swing: There are no strict rules for swing outfits. Boththe Gentleman and the Lady wear outfits that are reasonably neat andchic, although often not very formal. Many types of swing are fast-pacedand athletic, so wearing suitable clothing is essential. For example,the Lady would be well advised to stay away from short, tightskirts. See also the next section on Comfort andSafety. A cute trend, especially in Lindy Hop circles, is to wearvintage outfits from the 1930's and 40's. But this is not doneeverywhere and is not at all a requirement.

Comfort and safety:

Wear clothing that makes it easy and enjoyable to dance, both foryourself and your partner.

• Regardless of how informal the dance is, always wear danceshoes. Do not wear sneakers or other shoes with rubber or spongysoles. They can stick to the floor during turns and spins and causeankle and knee injuries.
• Avoid sleeveless shirts and strapped dresses, especially for activedancing: It is not pleasant to have to touch the damp skin of a partner.
• Sleeves that are baggy or cut low in the armpit are not a goodidea, especially in Latin and swing dancing, because dancers need accessto partner's back, and hands may get caught in baggy sleeves.
• Accessories like big rings, watches, brooches, loose/longnecklaces, and big belt buckles can be dangerous. They can catch inpartner's clothing, scratch and bruise.
• Gentlemen: if you have no place to leave your keys and loosechange, carry them in the *left* pocket of your trousers. This makes itless likely to bruise your partner.
• Long hair should be put up or tied in a pony tail. It is difficultto get into closed dance position when the lady has long flowing hair(hair gets caught in gentleman's right hand). It is also not fun to behit in the face with flying hair during turns and spins.

Personal Grooming

Dancing is an activity where two people come in close contact. Before adance:

• Shower and use a deodorant,
• Brush teeth and use mouthwash or breath mint,
• Abstain from foods that produce strong odors, like those heavy ingarlic
• The odor of cigarettes on one's breath or clothing can be veryunattractive.

During a dance:

• Check your grooming periodically
• During active dance sessions, freshen up and towel off periodically inthe bathroom
• Gentlemen, you can carry an extra shirt with you to the dance, in caseyou need a change.

Asking for a Dance

When asking for a dance, it is easiest to stay with traditional phrases:

• ``May I have this dance?''
• ``May I have this Waltz/Rumba/Foxtrot/etc.''
• ``Would you like to dance?''
• ``Care to dance?''
• ``Shall we dance?''

In the past it has been the tradition that men asked women to dance. Butthis custom has gradually changed. Today, women should feel equallycomfortable asking a partner for a dance, even in a formal setting.

If your desired partner is with a group, be unambiguous and make eyecontact when asking for a dance. If you vaguely approach a group, twoindividuals may think you are asking for a dance. You can imagine thatthe one not getting the dance is going to be miffed. Let's avoid such awkward moments by a decisive approach and solid eye contact.

What if you want to ask someone to dance, who is enganged at the momentin a conversation? Is it acceptable to interrupt a conversation to asksomeone to dance? Some would say that one's presence in a dancingestablishment indicates a desire for dancing and everyone is fairgame. Others say that interrupting a conversation is rude.

In my opinion, ask someone to dance if you think he/she is ready todance and will enjoy dancing with you at that moment. This requires youto be a good judge of the moment. Also, if you know someone well enoughto know they don't mind being interrupted, then go ahead and ask them.

Perhaps one way to handle this is to walk gently to the edge of yourintended partner's "personal space", which is about 3-4 feet (onemeter). It will give you an opportunity to ask them to dance. If yourpresence is not acknowledged, then it may be a good idea to find someoneelse for that dance.

Exercising common sense and social skills is always a good idea. Ifsomeone is sitting closely with their significant other, whisperingsweet nothings to each other, then it is probably not a good time to askeither of them for a dance. Now a different scenario: your intendedpartner is cornered by a bore and being lectured on weather patterns inlower Namibia. You can advance and stand close. Once your intendedpartner makes eye contact with you, smile and say: ``Dance?'' Usually,that is enough to do the job. If not, it is better to leave him/her tolearn about weather patterns in lower Namibia.

Sometimes two individuals simultaneously ask someone for a dance. Inthat situation, dance etiquette recommends that the object of attentionshould accept one of the dances, while offering a later dance to theother one.

Whom to Ask

If each person dances with only one or two others, the social dynamicsof dancing will be compromised. For that reason, dance etiquette stronglyencourages everyone to dance with many different partners. This is toensure a diversity of partnerships on the floor, and to give everyone achance to dance. Specifically, dance etiquette rules against asking the samepartner for more than two consecutive dances.

One of the common violations of this rule occurs when someone dancesmost of the night with their escort. The ruling of etiquette in thiscase is much the same as for the traditional (formal) dinner parties:one never sits down to dinner next to one's spouse. It is assumed thatif spouses were interested primarily in talking with one another, theycould have stayed home together. By the same token, going to a socialdance demonstrates a desire to dance socially. This means dancing with ahost of partners, and not just with one or a select few. I have heard aversion of this rule that reserves the first and last dance of theevening to be done with one's escort, and other dances with others.

People generally tend to dance with others at their own level, but youshould try to dance socially with partners of all levels. Danceetiquette frowns disapprovingly on those who only dance with the bestdancers on the floor. Although this is not a terrible offense, it isstill bad form. Better dancers are especially advised to ask beginnersto dance. Not only does this help the social dynamics of a dance, italso helps the better dancer (although it is outside the scope of thisdiscussion to explain why or how).

Unfortunately, there are some social dancers who consider themselves toogood to dance with beginners, who cannot ``keep up'' with their level ofdancing. It is often the case that these dancers are not as good as theythink. They need good partners because only good partners can compensatefor their mistakes, bad technique, or other inadequacies. The truly gooddancers often seek the challenge of dancing with those at lower levels,and enjoy it. Good dancers make their partners look good.

Declining a Dance

Being declined is always unpleasant. For beginners and shy individualsit is even harder to take, and may discourage them from socialdancing. Dance etiquette requires that one should avoid declining adance under most circ*mstances. For example, there is no correct way ofrefusing an invitation on the basis of preferring to dance withsomeone else. According to tradition, the only graceful way ofdeclining a dance is either (a) you do not know the dance, (b) you needto take a rest, or (c) you have promised the dance to someone else.

The last excuse should be used only sparingly. When declining a dance, it isgood form to offer another dance instead: ``No, thank you, I'm taking abreak. Would you like to do another dance later?'' Also,declining a dance means sitting out the whole song. It is inconsiderateand outright rude to dance a song with anyone after you have declined todance it with someone else. If you are asked to dance a song before youcan ask (or get asked by) your desired partner, that's the luck of thedraw. The choices are to dance it with whomever asked first, or to sitout the dance.

Does dance etiquette allow declining a dance outside of the casesmentioned above? The answer is yes, if someone is trying to monopolizeyou on the dance floor, make inappropriate advances, is unsafe(e.g. collides with others on the floor), or is in other ways unsavory,you are within the bounds of etiquette to politely but firmly declineany more dances. Perhaps the simplest, best way is to say ``No, thankyou,'' without further explanation or argument. Dancers are encouragedto use discretion and restraint when exercising this option.

Being Declined

The first thing to do when one is turned down for a dance is to take theexcuse at face value. Typical social dance sessions can be as long asthree to four hours, and there are few dancers who have the stamina ofdancing non-stop. Everyone has to take a break once in awhile, and that means possibly turning down one or two people each timeone takes a break. The advice to shy dancers and especially beginners isnot to get discouraged if they are turned down once or twice.

However, since social dancers are generally nice and polite, beingrepeatedly declined can be a signal. In that case, it is a good idea toexamine one's dancing and social interactions to see if anything iswrong.

On the Dance Floor

Line of Dance:

The dancing on a floor is done along a counter clockwise direction,known as the Line Of Dance. This applies to traveling dances includingWaltz, Foxtrot, Tango, Quickstep, and Viennese Waltz, as well as Polkaand two-step in the country western repertoire. Latin and Swing dancesare more or less stationary and have no line of dance. Sometimes it ispossible to dance more than one type of dance to the same song. Forexample, some Foxtrots can also be swings, and many Lindy Hop songs arejust great for Quickstep. In that case, swing dancers take the middle ofthe floor, and the moving dancers move along the periphery in thedirection of the line of dance.

Getting on the floor:

Some caution should be exercised when getting on the dance floor,especially if the song has already started and couples are dancing onthe floor. It is the responsibility of incoming couples to make surethat they stay out of the way of the couples already dancing.Specifically, before getting into dance position, one should always lookopposite the line of dance to avoid blocking someone's way, or evenworse, causing a collision.

At the end of the dance:

After the dance is finished and before parting, thank your partner. Thisreminds me of a social partner who, upon being thanked at the end of thedance, would answer: ``You're welcome!'' This always gave me a funnyfeeling. The proper answer to ``Thank you!'' on the dance floor is:``Thank you!'' The point is that the thanks is not due to a favor, butto politeness.

If you enjoyed the dance, let your partner know. Compliment your partneron her/his dancing. Be generous, even if he/she is not the greatest ofdancers. Be specific about it if you can: ``I really enjoyed thatdouble reverse spin. You led/followed that beautifully!'' If youenjoyed it so much that you would like to have another dance withhim/her again, this is a good time to mention it: ``This Waltz wentreally great! I'd like to try a Cha-Cha with you later.'' Althoughremember that dancing too many dances with the same partner and bookingmany dances ahead are both violations of social dance rules.

Leaving the floor:

When a song comes to an end, leave the floor as quickly as it isgracefully possible. Tradition requires that the gentleman give his armto the lady and take her back to her seat at the end of the dance. Whilethis custom is linked to the outdated tradition requiring the gentlemento ask ladies for dances, it is still a nice touch, although it may beimpractical on the more crowded dance floors. In any case, remember thatyour partner may want to get the next dance. Don't keep them talkingafter the dance is over, if they seem ready to break away to look fortheir next partner.

Leaving entrances free:

Some dance floors, especially in country western dance establishments,have limited access space (most of the periphery is railed). Dancers andonlookers should avoid blocking these entrances. In particular, avoidstopping to chat immediately after exiting the dance floor. Anotherissue in Country Western dancing regards line dancers, who sometimesshare the floor with other dancers. They should avoid blocking entrancesfrom the inside while dancing.

Sharing the floor:

Responsible usage of the floor requires that one stays out of the way ofothers. Some figures require a momentary movement against line ofdance. These figures should be executed with great caution on a socialdance floor, and only when there is no danger of collision. Avoidgetting too close to other couples, especially less experienced ones. Beprepared to change the directions of your patterns to avoid congestedareas. This requires thinking ahead and matching your patterns to thefree areas on the floor (floorcraft). While this may sound complicatedto the novice dancer, it gradually becomes second nature.

Sharing the floor sometimes means leaving the floor! Forexample, if there are too many dancers to fit on the floor, then a considerate dancer would withdraw every few dances to let everyone dance. The same idea applies if there aren't the same number of men and women. Then there is a mismatch andfor each song some people will be left without a partner.If there aren't enough partners, it would be nice to voluntarily withdraw every few dances so that everyone gets a chance to dance.

Another aspect of sharing the floor is to match one's speed to that ofothers. In a recent social dance, a particularly tall and handsomecouple caught my eye. They were moving with great speed and skill acrossthe floor, and I began to enjoy watching them dance. But then I noticedthey were coming dangerously close to other dancers on the crowded dancefloor, and many times other couples came to a stop and moved out oftheir way. It was easy to see they were unhappyabout this couple ``taking over'' the floor.

Aerials and choreography:

The only thing to be said about aerials on the social dance floor is:don't do them. While they may look ``cool,'' the execution of aerialsrequires training by a qualified instructor. Don't do them by yourselfunless you are trained, and certainly don't do them on the social dancefloor. Dancers have been badly hurt by either participating in aerials,or unluckily being in the proximity of those who did. In fact, in 1996,a swing dancer died duringthe execution of an aerial. Aerials can be extremely dangerous, pleasetake this issue seriously.

The same principle applies to other lifts and drops, as well aschoreographed patterns that require a large amount of floor space.

No-Fault Dancing

Never blame a partner for missed execution of figures. Once in a socialdance I accidentally overheard a novice couple, where the lady said: ``Ican do this step with everyone but you!'' The fact that she was wrong (Ihad seen her other attempts) is irrelevant. The point is that she wasunkind and out of line. Even if the gentleman were at fault, she was notto say something like that (more about this in the section: ``dancing to the level of partner.'')

Regardless of who is at fault when a dancing mishap occurs, both partiesare supposed to smile and go on. This applies to the better dancer inparticular, who bears a greater responsibility. Accepting the blame isespecially a nice touch for the gentleman. But at the same time, do notapologize profusely. There is no time for it, and it makes your partneruncomfortable.

My personal preference is the following: whenever something untowardhappens, I first see if my partner noticed. Sometimes the partner maynot be aware, for example, that a figure was slightly off-time or that a finepoint in technique was missed, in which case it is better to let it go. Ifshe has noticed, I just smile and whisper ``sorry...'' and go on,regardless of whose fault it was.

Did Your Partner Enjoy the Dance?

Dancing to the level of partner:

It often happens that the two partners dancing socially are not at thesame level. It is important that the more experienced partner dances atthe level of the less experienced partner. This is mostly a comment forleaders: when dancing with a new partner, start with simple figures, andgradually work your way up to more complicated patterns. You willdiscover a comfort level, file it away in memory for the next time youdance with the same partner.

The same principle applies to Latin and Swing followers, although to alesser degree. Doing extra syncopations, footwork, free spins etc. canbe distracting and even intimidating for a less experiencedleader. Although I must say that the show-off follower is rather rare;most of the violations of this sort are by leaders who leadinexperienced partners into complicated figures.

Being sensitive to partner's preferences:

Social dancers strive to make their partners comfortable and help themenjoy the dance. This requires sensitivity to the likes and dislikes ofthe partner. These preferences can take a variety of forms. For example,I remember that one of my West Coast Swing social partners found neckwraps uncomfortable. In the same manner, some dancers don't like spins(or many spins in a row), while others really enjoy them. Some likeextended syncopations and others don't. There are many more examples invarious dance venues. Be sensitive to your partners. It is not too hardto detect their likes and dislikes, and if in doubt, ask.

Demeanor:

Be personable, smile, and make eye contact with your partner. Try toproject a warm and positive image on the dance floor, even if that isnot your personal style. Many of us lead hectic lives that include adifficult balance between study, work, family, and otherobligations. Having a difficult and tiring day, however, is not anacceptable excuse for a depressing or otherwise unpleasant demeanor onthe dance floor. Because of the setting of a social dance, we do notalways dance with our favorite partners. This is also not grounds for acold treatment of the partner. Once one asks or accepts a dance, it isimportant to be outwardly positive, even if not feeling exactlyenthusiastic.

The social dancer is also well advised to be watchful of an uncheckedego. While a healthy sense of self is helpful in all socialinteractions, it is more attractive when mixed with an equal dose ofmodesty. Don't let perceived dancing abilities or physicalattractiveness go to your head. It is helpful to remember thatoverestimating one's dance prowess or attractiveness is quite common.

Teaching on the Floor

There are two aspects to this point of etiquette:

Unsolicited teaching:

This is unfortunately one of the more common breaches of danceetiquette. This often happens when a dancer stops in the middle of asong to correct his or her partner, or tell them how to execute a dancefigure. Ironically, this error is often committed by individuals who arenot fit to teach! Experienced social dancers dance at the level of their partners. Even forexperienced dancers, the social dance floor is not the place to teach orto correct your partner. It is better to concentrate on patternsthat both partners can do and enjoy. Unsolicited teaching can behumiliating and takes the fun out of dancing.

Soliciting teaching on the floor:

This is not necessarily a flagrant violation. For many, it is flatteringto be consulted about a point of dancing. However, a little care andcaution is always a good idea. Consider this hypothetical scenario: Apolite dancer is excited when his favorite song comes on, and he asksthe closest stranger for the dance. He really wants to dance this song,but she replies: ``I have never done this dance before. Can you pleaseteach me?''

It is debatable how much one can learn, from scratch, in the 2-3 minutesa typical song plays, but that is beside the point. This is a songhe really wants to dance to. For this or any other reason, he may notwish to spend time at that moment teaching someone, but she has left himno polite way of getting out. In this situation: (a) She doesn't knowhim (so cannot justify the imposition based on friendship), (b) shesolicits teaching at the time he is asking her to dance, which puts himat a disadvantage, and (c) she does not know anything about the dance,so he cannot say: ``let's just do basic steps.''

Of course it's not always that bad. Dancers can learn quite a bit fromeach other in social dancing; observing a few simple points willmake things enjoyable for all:

• Don't say "teach me" the moment someone asks you to dance. If theyare shy, they will feel trapped, will spend the next few minutes withyou, and then for the rest of the night will avoid you like theplague. If they are not so shy, they will not teach you, and for the rest of the night will avoid you like the plague.
• A good approach is the following: when asked to dance, one can say``I would like to, but I don't know the dance.'' This shows that helpwould be appreciated, but without any pressure.
• The asker in this situation can either offer to take the partner onthe floor and do some basic steps, or if s/he is not so inclined, takeit as a decline of dance: ``Oh, it would have been fun, perhaps we cando a different dance later?''
• It is better to request help from friends, or at least someone you havehad a dance or two with already, rather than someone you just met. Ifanythings, this is a great motivation to make friends in the dance community.
• If you want to get pointers from someone, wait until s/hesits out a dance. Then go talk to her/him. This way they are not missingout on a dance by helping you.

Summary

• Etiquette is here to ensure everyone has a good time in a social dancesetting, so pay attention to it.
• Your outfit and accessories should be comfortable, safe, and alsoreflect the culture and level of formality of the dance group.Most importantly, do not forget your dance shoes.
• Ask everyone to dance. Do not monopolize one partner for the wholenight.
• Today's beginners will be the good dancers of tomorrow,so be nice to them and dance with them.
• Do not decline a dance unless you absolutely have to. Having declined adance, you cannot dance the same song with someone else.
• Be considerate of other couples on the floor. Exercise goodfloorcraft. Do not cut other couples off. No aerials or choreographedsteps on the social dance floor!
• Stationary dancers (e.g. Swing dancers) stay in the middle, travelingdancers move on the boundary along the line of dance.
• Avoid patterns that your partner cannot do: dance to the level of yourpartner.
• Never blame your partner for missteps.
• No unsolicited teaching on the floor!
• Smile, be warm, be personable, be nice.

If you enjoyed this article, you may also wish to read Beyond Dance Etiquette: Success and Enjoyment inSocial DancingLast modified 19 March 2005

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