If you’re reading this, then you’re likely feeling unfulfilled in your relationship right now. You don’t feel that the connection is as strong as it once was. Maybe you’re even feeling a little neglected, or downright emotionally abandoned. This leaves you feeling insignificant to the person who matters to you more than anyone in the world. What you need is to know that you matter and that your needs are important to your partner.
So how do you tell them how you’ve been feeling in a way that gets heard and understood? How do you communicate your feelings and clarify your needs in a way that inspires a desire to take actions that create more closeness rather than resentment and distance? I hope to answer these questions for you in the paragraphs below.
Every satisfied emotional need breeds connection and deepens your bond. Therefore, every unmet need has the opposite effect— it breeds disconnection. This happens because when your needs aren’t consistently met, it produces anxiety in you, which leads to conflict, which, if not handled skillfully, breeds further disconnection, and on and on.
Before speaking to your partner, it’s important to understand for yourself how and why you are feeling neglected or deprived. To help with this I wrote 8 Questions to Help Get Your Needs Met in Your Relationship. I strongly recommend reading that article first so that you have the clarity you need to articulate what you believe is causing your angst and what needs to happen for connection and closeness to be fully restored in your relationship.
If you‘ve considered why, from your end, your needs haven’t been fully met (i.e. you haven’t been clear about what you need, you haven’t been adequately meeting your own needs, you haven’t been fully meeting your partner’s needs, you’ve shamed or criticized you partner for not meeting your needs, you’ve expected too much of your partner, you have expectations that your partner never actually agreed to), you know what it is that you want to request of your partner, and are simply seeking the right words to make a go of it, then read on.
Prepare for the Conversation
Before sitting down with your significant other to talk about your needs, there are 2 inner reflections I recommend doing with yourself first.
1. Identify any stories you’ve been telling yourself about why your needs are not being satisfied.
Stories like, “they don’t want to give me what I need”, “I’m with the wrong person, because the right person wouldn’t be this neglectful towards me”, “they are a *insert judgy label here* (e.g. lazy, selfish, clueless, bad etc.) partner, “they don’t care about me”, “no one cares about my needs”. It’s critical that before you speak to your partner, you suspend any assumptions or conclusions that put you at odds with them. You absolutely need to approach them by making a generous assumption; by giving them the benefit of the doubt. This is what it means to be a team, even when you’re feeling distant. You keep loving even when you are feeling unloved.
2. Have a conversation with yourself about what it is you actually need.
Ask yourself, what do I need, and how do I want my needs to be fulfilled? For instance, you may need and enjoy a lot of physical affection and touch. And what you want is to hold hands more often, snuggle during movie time, and/or to enjoy a nice passionate kiss each morning before you go your separate ways. Being able to distinguish between the fundamental need at the core (affection) and the behaviors and actions that fulfill it is key. So what do you need and what do you desire?
Almost everyone will have some need for affection, but not everyone will want that need met in the exact same way. This is the case with all of our basic emotional needs, be it affection, appreciation, respect, safety, validation, devotion, or trust. Therefore, it’s important to know what behaviors specifically fulfill a particular need for you.
Once you’ve been able to shake any hostility or negativity you might have toward your partner and can assume the best about them and why they haven’t acted in ways that you would like, and you’ve gotten really clear on what specific needs are unmet for you and how they can be satisfied, then you are ready to talk about it with your love.
The energy and attitude you bring to the conversation is essential to mindfully manage. I cannot overstate this. Body language is the primary communicator. Our words have little power in comparison to our posture, tone, facial expressions, and vibes. That is why you need to approach your partner with a loving spirit, believing that they love you, that they want to satisfy you in every way, and that they are deserving of your love and kindness even when you’re upset with them.
(Erase any confusion or doubt surrounding your needs, learn to powerfully communicate your needs using a simple yet powerful template, and overcome the two most common barriers to having your needs consistently met by completing my 4-step, 16 page No More Unmet Needs Workbook.)
Know What NOT to Do
The three most crucial things to avoid are blame, shame, and criticism. If you do these things, you have one guarantee— your partner will not leave the conversation inspired to love you more intentionally. Why would they? You are not meeting their fundamental needs when you blame, shame, and criticize.
What is likely to happen is that you end up gridlocked, neither of you willing to show love and affection generously until the other does. This is where the age old idea that two wrongs do not make a right can be a helpful reminder.
And again, do not assume the worst about your partner. I see it all the time— one partner is angry and frustrated because they aren’t being loved the way they want to be. So they begin withholding love from their partner, punishing them with silence, distance, and sometimes even rudeness. Thing is, this is really immature— plain and simple.So decide to approach the situation in a conscious way.
What I suggest doing when you are feeling upset and angry is first own your emotions and realize that they stem from your interpretation of the situation, not from the facts of the situation. Your fears and deep-seated beliefs about your own sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, or unlovability often lie at the root of all those negative stories you tell yourself about why life is happening the way that it is. Especially in relationships!
Take a moment to challenge your assumptions, and allow in the possibility that something completely different could be true. Like that you are loved! And that with patience and respectful communication, you can experience something exceptional with the person you love.
Next, assume your partner is innocent and offer them the benefit of the doubt. Remember that they love you and want you to be happy.
Finally, see this as an opportunity to vulnerably share something about yourself with your partner so that they can understand you better, and be curious so that you, through this experience, can learn something about them, too. Learning about each other is how we become better at loving one another. This requires compassion, an open mind, and a commitment to mutual listening and understanding.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Needs
Ok, so now that we’ve set the foundation regarding perspective, energy, and intention, we can move on to what to actually say to your partner about your unmet needs. For each of the 8 steps below, I offer suggestions for what to say, but they are of course merely suggestions. The goal is that you speak from your heart and express your truth with love and gentleness.
1. Pick an appropriate TIME.
Let your honey know you have something on your mind and want to discuss it with them. Ask if this is a good time. If it isn’t, decide together when a good time would be.
2. Find something to PRAISE.
Begin the conversation by sharing something you are happy about- it could be something small that they did or said recently, or a way in which they have generally been showing up and how it makes you feel. Let them know you see what they are doing right and that you are aware of the positives in them and the relationship.
It could be something as simple as, “First I want to say that the other day when you *fill in something kind, thoughtful, sexy, fun that they did or said*, I really liked that. It made my day.”
*Important note: if your partner is feeling anxious about the conversation and is showing or expressing that they just want to know what’s going on, skip this step. In this situation it’s better to just get right to it to ease the distress your partner is feeling being in the dark. You can offer up praise at the end if it feels right and not forced.
3. Focus on HOW YOU FEEL first.
I feel…
disconnected/distant/lonely/sad/rejected/worried/frustrated
4. Then state WHY.
because we haven’t…
had a date night/gone on an adventure/spent a whole day together/had sex/just laid around and goofed off together/shown each other much affection/shared the household responsibilities equally/been checking in with each other like we used to...
5. Clarify your NEED.
It’s really important to me that we *blank* because that is what I need to feel…
connected to you/safe in the relationship/confident that we are in a good place/appreciated by you/loved by you/important to you/close to you.
6. Make a REQUEST or INVITE them to solve the problem with you.
Would you be willing to *state specific behavior*? Or…
Can we talk about what it will look like for us to *blank*?
From here you get into the meat of the conversation. This is where you discuss what works for both of you regarding the need and how it should get met. Remember that while the need is non-negotiable, the way you want the need met sometimes needs to be negotiated.
7. THANK them for listening.
Let them know how much it means to you that you’ve been able to share and feel heard. Mention anything specific that they did or said that you really appreciated.
8. ASK them if there is anything more they’d like to talk about with you.
Is there anything else you’d like to say? I’m listening.
How does it feel to imagine having this conversation with your partner? What stands out to you about my suggestions?
Hopefully you noticed that nowhere in the conversation is there a demand. The word ‘you’ is rarely used. Instead it is ‘we’. A sense of ownership over your own needs is what underpins this conversation, and with that you pose an invitation to your partner to participate willingly and mutually in the meeting of your needs. In the end you come to a clear mutual understanding of what is needed and wanted, and make an agreement for how to go about it.
When it comes to fulfilling all of your needs, here is a short recap of 3 things that really help set you up for success:
Know your needs and articulate them clearly as soon as possible.
Choose circ*mstances, conditions, and relationships in which there is evidence that your needs can be met.
Confirm that others understand your needs and that they agree to your expectations.
By laying down this foundation, it’s much easier to address and rectify things whenever there is a breakdown or a disconnect.
But of course, many of us are disconnected from our own needs and end up struggling with identifying what we really need, what we want, and how to communicate that in relationships. That’s okay. If this is you, it’s not too late to find the joy and satisfaction you long for in your relationship.
As long as you can own that you are in the process of discovering new things about yourself regarding your needs, and lovingly clue your partner in to what you are learning andinvite them to show you love in the ways you desire rather than demanding it, things can work out beautifully.
If you are unsatisfied in your relationship, change starts with you. My Relational Mindset Journey Program is designed to help you end all of the confusion, frustration and disappointment you feel and replace them with intimacy, passion & connection. Realize you are not powerless and finally take charge of creating the loving dynamic that you are struggling to have and keep. To learn more, visit my programs page.
Do you have thoughts, questions, or anything you’d like to add? I’d love to hear from you! Please leave a comment and share what’s on your mind. Or email me privately anytime.
Go deep. Own your life.
Xo,
Dara
