Question: Hi, I am in a serious relationship with my boyfriend from past nine years and we truly love each other. We are financially stable and doing well in our respective careers. The problem is our families do not get well together and hence, are against our marriage. We have cried and fought but they are not willing to get us married. In fact, it has been seven months and we are just waiting for their approval.
Now, we plan to get married secretly and live separately for a few months. I know we will be hurting them but we are unable to find another solution. I feel shattered thinking that I am a mean person and will be a bad daughter if I take this step. Not to forget, our society will also pin point fingers on our family. Please guide me what should I do?—By Anonymous
Response by Ms. Zankhana Joshi: Sometimes deciding between what feels right for you and being obedient to parents can be very conflicting. And I am glad you are seeking help to decide.
We live in a culture where we are trained to respect our parents and their desires. Added to that conditioning, I am sensing that it is the genuine feeling of love towards them which is making you feel torn inside as you do not want to be the cause of their pain or hurt in any way.
It is possible that they are against the marriage because of their concern for your long term happiness with your partner. Your parents might have a genuine concern for your well-being and if that is the case, I would suggest you re-evaluate your decision.
If you are certain that their conflict is because of their ego needs, then you need to take the decision to marry him, despite their objection and you should choose your own happiness. So be fair and objective in your decision.
A lot of people will tell you that your family will come around eventually. And it does happen, because love trumps ego, hate and all such emotions. But I believe, even then the void they feel about not being a part of an important milestone in your life would haunt them throughout. I have seen parents who didn’t attend their child’s wedding and later kept going through the wedding album with a distant longing. And for you too, the occasion will be robbed of the happiness you have always dreamt of, if done secretly.
Thus I would suggest you put all your efforts to convince them. If that fails, instead of walking away secretly and getting married, see if it is possible for you to inform them about the decision. Whether to come or not will be their choice. This requires you to be extremely strong, assertive and confident in your being. Because they will not take the news well, but if you stand tall in your courage they will realize that the only choice they have to make is to attend or not attend. Also, they may make a different choice than you expect.
I am sure there will be a lot more complications in doing this that might not be stated in your question here. I would recommend you to seek a few sessions of professional guidance to help you navigate through those challenges and muster the courage to still marry him, but with minimizing the damage to your relationship with parents. In end – do not sacrifice on your inner voice for the voices of others, but do that too with a lot of love, compassion and kindness.
- Zankhana Joshi is a practicing counselling psychologist in Mumbai
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