What Is a Toxic Person?
If you know someone who’s difficult and causes a lot of conflict in your life, you may be dealing with a toxic person. These people can create stress and unpleasantness for you and others, not to mention emotional and even physical pain.
A toxic person is anyone whose behavior upsets you and adds negativity to your life. It may just be their personality. But many times, people who are toxic become that way because of their upbringing or life experiences. They don't know healthy ways to deal with their own stress, so they behave in ways that cause harm to other people.
Can you diagnose a toxic person?
Toxicity in people isn’t considered a mental disorder. But there could be underlying psychological problems that cause someone to act in toxic ways, including a personality disorder. These include narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, and antisocial personality disorders; bipolar disorder; and posttraumatic stress disorder.
Warning signs for a toxic person
Here are some signs to watch out for that can indicate you’re dealing with a toxic person:
- You feel like you’re being manipulated.
- You’re constantly confused by the person’s behavior.
- You feel like you deserve an apology that never comes.
- You always have to defend yourself to this person.
- You never feel fully comfortable around them.
- You feel bad about yourself in their presence.
If you experience these feelings around someone in your life, consider whether you need to take steps to change the relationship.
Signs of a Toxic Person
Beyond the way you feel when you're around them, there are certain personality traits that are common in toxic people.
Toxic person traits
Inconsistency. Part of being human is having ups and downs — good as well as bad times. But a toxic person is almost never consistent. Their behavior is erratic. They don’t follow through on their commitments or promises. You never know what they’re going to do next, or where you stand with them. Such inconsistency can make it very hard to be in a relationship with a toxic person.
They always need attention. Have you noticed that the person always needs something from you? Whether it’s constant phone calls, texts, or showing up at your door, they're always seeking emotional support. But they're not necessarily supporting you in return. They take all that you have without giving much back. This can be associated with narcissistic personality disorder.
They can't be happy for you. Jealousy and competitiveness flow from self-centeredness and low self-esteem. If your friend or partner always needs to one-up you or put you down, that's toxic.
There's always drama. Ever notice how drama seems to follow some people? It’s likely not a coincidence. Toxic people thrive in dramatic situations. They inflame emotions and create conflict. They love stirring the pot to see what happens. It's the opposite of the kind of behavior that builds stable, healthy relationships.
They don’t respect your boundaries. If you’ve been clear with someone time and again about your needs, and they just can’t respect that, they are toxic. Healthy relationships are based on trust and the ability to respect boundaries. Toxic people just can’t do that.
They manipulate others to get what they want. Do you feel taken advantage of? Manipulated? Toxic people manipulate those around them to get what they want. This can mean lying, bending the truth, exaggerating, or leaving out information to cause you to take a certain action or have a certain opinion of them. They’ll do whatever it takes, even if it means hurting people.
They don't accept responsibility. If you call out a toxic person for an insult they delivered, expect to be told that you're too sensitive. They may act outraged that you could think badly of them, or blame you for their behavior. Gaslighting -- where someone tries to make you doubt your perceptions or memories -- is a common tactic of toxic people.
Signs of a toxic parent
As a child, you don't know any other family dynamic besides your own, so it may not be until adulthood that you realize you grew up with dysfunction. And even then, because you love your parent, you may have trouble seeing them for the toxic person they really are. These are some red flags that you have a toxic parent:
- They're abusive -- physically, verbally, or emotionally.
- They try to control you, whether by criticism, guilt trips, or other manipulative behavior.
- They're self-centered and use you to fill their emotional needs.
- They're unpredictable and lash out.
- They may deny that traumatic events in your childhood actually happened, or accuse you of exaggerating.
- They refuse to take responsibility for problems in your relationship.
The impact of toxic parenting can follow you through life, influencing your adult relationships and putting you at higher risk for psychological issues such as mood disorders and substance abuse.
How to Deal With a Toxic Person
It's one thing to be able to recognize a toxic person, but it's another to be able to do something about it. Here are a few strategies to try:
Confront them. If you notice toxic behaviors, don't stay silent and hope the person will change. Call them out on lies or inconsistencies. Tell them you don’t appreciate their behavior. This shows them that you’re paying attention — and gives them a chance to explain themselves or apologize.
Encourage them to get help. It isn't your job to "fix" a toxic person, but you can steer them to resources that can help them. Therapy can uncover the reasons behind their behavior and teach them better ways to manage their feelings. But don't be surprised if they won't admit they need help.
Set stricter boundaries. While it may make you uncomfortable in the short term, protect yourself by setting rules for the relationship and then sticking to them. For example, if someone is abusing substances and it causes them to harm you or others, let them know you won’t see them unless they’re sober. Understand that the toxic person in your life won't be happy about the lines you've drawn, and will probably push back and try to make you feel guilty.
Manage your reactions. Ultimately, you can't change someone else, but you can change how you respond to their behavior. Many times, a toxic person is trying to provoke you into a negative reaction. Don't give it to them. It may help to practice how you'll handle a certain situation ahead of time. Don't blame yourself for their behavior or allow them to manipulate you.
Prioritize yourself. It's important to take care of your physical and emotional health. Focus on relationships that are healthy and supportive. Talking with a mental health professional can help you understand your role in the relationship and learn to set boundaries.
If the above strategies don’t work or cause even more pain, abuse, or dishonesty, it’s time to let the toxic person go. Sometimes there’s nothing to do but stand up for yourself and move on. This can be a lot easier to do with friends than with family members. Even if all you can do is limit your contact, that's a step in the right direction.
How to deal with toxic coworkers
A toxic workplace is a tough situation -- it can be hard to do your job well, and you may feel trapped, especially if the problematic person is your boss. If you're experiencing disrespect, bullying, or just general negativity at work, consider the following:
- Try to ignore their behavior or avoid dealing with them.
- See if you can figure out why they act the way they do.
- Tell your coworker how their behavior makes you feel.
- Manage your own emotions to avoid escalating a conflict.
- Keep your boundaries firm. Don't get drawn into gossip or negativity.
- Expand your network and strengthen your relationships with supportive coworkers.
- If you have a toxic manager, make connections with other managers and company leaders.
- Take it to management or human resources.
How to Stop Being a Toxic Person
Did you recognize yourself in any of the behaviors and personality traits listed above? Do your romantic relationships always end badly? Is your work staff in constant turnover?
You may be the one with toxic behavior. Change starts by becoming more self-aware.
Some self-reflection may help you understand why you bring toxicity to your relationships. Maybe a difficult childhood left you feeling afraid of abandonment or unworthy of love, so you try to push people away before they can hurt you. Insecurity may make you clingy or suspicious. You may have never learned healthy, effective ways to communicate your needs.
Working with a therapist can help you get to the bottom of your behavior and learn better coping strategies.
An important step is to apologize to the people you've behaved badly with, take responsibility for your actions, and let them know you're making an effort to change.
Some positive relationship traits you can practice include:
- Respecting boundaries
- Being a good listener
- Not holding grudges
- Showing kindness and consideration
- Being supportive
- Managing conflict respectfully
Takeaways
A toxic person is someone who brings conflict and negativity to your life. They're often controlling, manipulative, and even abusive. Protect yourself by setting and maintaining boundaries and focusing your energy on relationships that are supportive. You may need to limit your interactions with a toxic person or cut them out of your life entirely.
