Too soon? Why we harshly judge the widowed when they find new love (2024)
Three months after the sudden death of his wife, comedian Patton Oswalt was reeling. “The air caught fire around me and the sun died,” Oswalt wrote in a Facebook post about the morning his wife, true-crime writer Michelle McNamara, passed away at 46.
Grappling with "the randomness and horror of the universe," Oswalt grieved deeply and publicly. He penned an obituary for Time about the "blast crater" she left behind, wrote about the panic of suddenly becoming a single father for GQ and addressed the personal tragedy in his 2017 Netflix comedy standup special, Patton Oswalt: Annihilation.
Somewhere in the meantime, Oswalt met another woman. Actress Meredith Salenger was a "life force" that pulled him out of his "death vibe," the comedian told Terry Gross on NPR's Fresh Air. A year after his first wife died, Oswalt was engaged; the couple married last November. "It's almost like getting hit by lightning twice," Oswalt said. "The statistical odds are so insane."
None of this went over particularly well with the critical public. Observers were appalled that Oswalt had remarried so quickly. One particularly cruel person accused the comedian of having "publicly dined out on his grief." Oswalt fired back at the "bitter grub worms," sharing a blog post written in his defence by a Florida widow named Erica Roman. "How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement?" Roman hissed.
Mourning a spouse while simultaneously falling in love again is fraught territory. There's a sense that certain time frames qualify as "too soon" – as if an appropriate grieving period has been universally demarcated. When it's "too soon," widows and widowers are accused of erasing old partners and of performing a fraudulent grief.
It is criticism the widowed are particularly attuned to: Just how long is long enough before you're allowed to look outward again?
"In our culture, we expect one stage to be over before the next one can begin. There's a feeling that you're being disloyal or minimizing the loss of the person – who is also a daughter, sister or friend – and her memory as if it never happened," said Carolyn Klassen, a Winnipeg psychotherapist who married Jim Klassen, a widower, 13 months after his wife died of breast cancer.
But Klassen and others believe these stages aren’t perfectly linear. Instead, they often overlap: Mourning can co-exist with new love.
"We didn't require him to finish grieving before he began the new relationship," Klassen said of her new husband. "There's lots of room for him to miss her while still loving me." (Roman described it as hearts that expand: "One love isn't moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built.")
It's true that some widowed people do move on too fast, because they're in denial and don't want to face pain; such relationships often bear a cost. Still, even for those not in denial, finding a connection remains a huge human urge.
In a fascinating recent case, after two authors who wrote bestselling memoirs about their final months ailing with cancer passed away, their widowed spouses fell in love with each other. Lucy Kalanithi is a doctor and widow of Paul Kalanithi, a neurosurgeon who wrote the memoir When Breath Becomes Air and died of lung cancer at 37. John Duberstein's wife Nina Riggs also penned a memoir, The Bright Hour: A Memoir of Living and Dying, published last year after she died of breast cancer at 39.
As Riggs was dying, she urged her husband to reach out to Lucy Kalanithi for help. The two began e-mailing as Duberstein struggled "not to go insane" grieving. And so their unconventional union was sparked. Both of the terminally ill spouses had given their partners "radical permission" to forge new relationships, Kalanithi told The Washington Post earlier this month. But the re-configuration was bittersweet: "Having a second relationship is a tragedy," Duberstein said.
Despite the self-awareness many of these couples exhibit, the outside world often sees one thing: callousness.
“We are all afraid that when we die, we’ll be forgotten. It comes from fear. We want to be special and singular, and we are,” said widow Nora McInerny, who wrote about her husband Aaron Purmort’s death of brain cancer at 35 in her 2016 book It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too).
McInerny remorsefully recalls one incident when she herself was judgmental. While Purmort was very sick, a widowed friend of hers called and said she was going on a date. McInerny's reaction was a visceral "ugh." She gossiped about it to her husband, wondering if it wasn't too soon for a grieving woman to be dating. Purmort slammed her for it. "Once you've gone through a loss like this," McInerny said, "you would never judge a person for wanting to fall in love again."
Six months after Purmort passed away in 2014, she tried dating but felt she was operating on "a different plane of existence" than the men: The small talk was killing her. Six months after that, she met Matthew Hart at a mutual friend's backyard party. The conversation was rich, spanning hours.
Even so, on one of their early dates at a restaurant, McInerny withered in shame when an acquaintance spotted them. "It made me feel so self-conscious that I angled myself away from Matthew, as if I was there alone and he just happened to be sitting at the bar next to me. I ignored him for the remainder until we left the restaurant." She looks back now and wonders why she cared so much. "But you do," she says.
McInerny and Hart married and had a baby, all within two years of her first husband's death. Today, she feels like she's in love with two people – one dead, one alive. "I can love this life and still have grief for Aaron," said McInerny, who runs a support group called Hot Young Widows Club. "They aren't competing. To me, having both of these flames burning makes them both burn brighter."
Widows, McInerny contends, are particularly primed for love: They are emotionally open, understand that time is finite and value good partners, fiercely. "I don't have baggage from my husband dying," McInerny said. "I know what a good relationship looks and feels like. I'm not going to do anything except that."
For those falling in love shortly after the death of a spouse, Winnipeg's Klassen is a firm believer in "holding space." At her wedding in 2015, she and her new husband mentioned his deceased wife in their vows and placed an extra red gerbera daisy on certain tables at the reception: red was her favourite colour. "We're not trying to rub out her memory," Klassen said. "We remember her."
“I’m grateful that he had this tremendous love,” Klassen said. “I love that he loves her because it tells me how well he loves. That’s the same man that is also loving me.”
There is no "right or wrong" about when you'll be ready. Many people are ready months after the death of their partner, and for others, it takes years. The most important thing is that you have this conversation with yourself, and aren't trying to satisfy someone else's idea of when you're ready (or not).
One major warning sign is if the widower is still grieving intensely or not ready to move on from their previous relationship. Another red flag is if they constantly compare you to their late spouse or refuse to let go of their belongings.
Not all widows look for new relationships, but many do, even as they tote chest-tearing grief. For them, love is just too joyous of a human experience to give up. “I feel horrible that my husband died. I feel horrible that my children lost their dad,” a young widow said.
Men are more emotionally reliant on their partners so have a greater emotional need for a new partner; Widows feel they will lose their freedom if they find another husband; Widows with young children feel as though finding a new partner is replacing their deceased partner.
There's no rule or timeline when it comes to getting remarried following the death of your spouse. Like grief, the “right time” for everyone is different. For some, it may be a few weeks, and for others, it can be several years. You don't have to stop loving your deceased spouse in order to find love again.
They will know that everyone must: 1) absorb the shock of the change they are faced with; 2) Page 2 move out of numbness; and 3) emerge as their new self, in their own time and in their own way.
Studies show that it takes an average of 25 months for a widow or widower to consider remarriage, but this timeline can vary greatly depending on the individual.
Widows were expected to wear full mourning for two years. Everyone else presumably suffered less – for children mourning parents or vice versa the period of time was one year, for grandparents and siblings six months, for aunts and uncles two months, for great uncles and aunts six weeks, for first cousins four weeks.
There are 11.8 million widows in the U.S. and approximately 2,800 new widows are joining these ranks every day. The average age of widowhood in the U.S. is 59, according to a frequently cited figure attributed to the U.S. Census Bureau.
Losing someone creates a gap of them in our lives. Similarly losing her spouse puts the widow into a position of loneliness. Even if the widow is always surrounded by the most loving and supportive people (friends & family) there'd still be times when she'd go through a mental state of isolation.
Often the second year is the hardest as that's when the real grief work might begin. This is the time when you may be ready to face your grief head on and deal with any issues that are holding you back. If you're not ready yet though, don't feel guilty. There is no deadline and everyone grieves in their own time.
What is Second Wife Syndrome? Essentially, second wife syndrome when a second wife, or partner, of someone with kids feels marginalized, left out, and unimportant within the family dynamic.
It is common for widows to wear their wedding ring on their right ring finger rather than their left ring finger. This is a way to symbolize moving forward while still keeping the memory of your marriage close.
3 Signs that confirm a widow/ widower is ready to date again
They have stopped living in the past. The clear sign: They are ready to open their hearts and won't let old memories/ shrines come between you and them. ...
Approximately 2% of older widows and 20% of older widowers ever remarry (Smith, Zick, & Duncan, 1991). The U.S. Census Bureau estimates that each year, out of every 1,000 wid- owed men and women ages 65 and older, only 3 women and 17 men remarry (Clarke, 1995).
People are surprised when they fall in love again. Sometimes they are confused, but then realise that it is possible to love two people at the same time and it is possible to move from despair to new feelings of motivation and hope even while still going through the grieving process.
So yes, take things slowly. The following is from a study of 350 widows and widowers, published by the National Institutes of Health: “By 25 months after the spouse's death, 61 percent of men and 19 percent of women were either remarried or involved in a new romance.
1Tim. 5. [3] Honour widows that are widows indeed. [4] But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.
Instead of saying, “my late husband,” or “my late wife,” you can simply say, “my husband,” “my wife,” or “my partner." Many people who experience the death of a spouse choose to continue referring to the departed as their husband or wife. After all, death doesn't put an end to your relationship with your partner.
God commanded that the widow be considered part of the covenantal community. The people of God must extend to her the same merciful protection that they bestow on orphans and defenseless aliens (Dt 14.29; 16.11, 14).
One of the first steps in combating loneliness is being around others who share some of the same interests as you. Try your best to pull yourself out of your grief enough to volunteer a weekend or two each month at a local charity or food bank to help those in need.
One foolproof way to be a happier widow is to focus on what you can control (your money, your health, your core group) and let go of what you can't. Settling in with uncertainty allows you to let go of expectations of how things should be and embrace what is. No matter how pissed off you are.
Some commonplace areas of life that trigger a man's sense of inadequacy include: The inability to satisfy their partner sexually. Confusion in how to be emotionally expressive. Struggle to understand how to respond to a partners' emotional needs.
However, men are more likely to remarry after losing their spouse; more than 60 percent of men but less than 20 percent of women are involved in a new romance or remarriage within two years of being widowed.
Or perhaps they are just more selfish. A recent study found two-thirds of widowers were in a new relationship within 25 months, in contrast to less than a fifth of widows. Over the age of 65, the discrepancy is even larger, with ten times as many widowers as widows remarrying.
Finding love again after the death of an intimate partner can be a joyous experience for those who are ready. However, this type of life transition can raise issues around trust, intimacy, and communication. It can also present unique challenges for those with children or when considering blending families.
There is no right or wrong decision in this matter.” Continue wearing the ring. Many widows/widowers continue to wear their wedding ring until they feel ready to take it off. Some will continue to wear it forever.
Statistics show that men are more likely to remarry after death of a spouse or divorce compared to women. A 2014 research by Pew Research Center reveals that two third of widowed and divorced men remarried compared to only half of women.
The observation of the 40th day after death occurs in the Eastern Orthodox tradition. The ritual represents spiritual intercession on the part of the dead, who are believed to collectively await the Day of Judgment.
Some people feel better sooner than they expect. Others may take longer. As time passes, you may still miss your spouse. But for most people, the intense pain will lessen.
This is based on the traditional, pre-colonial belief that the spirit of the dead goes into the spirit world on the ninth day after dying. After nine days of prayer, there will be another service and a formal meal for the family and friends of the departed.
A Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. He will cover you with His feathers. Under His wings you will find refuge. His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
Dating a widower can be challenging, especially when you consider the fact that they will always have a strong connection to their deceased spouse. It's important to understand that this is part of their grieving process and something that you need to accept if you want to build a strong relationship with them.
There is no "right or wrong" about when you'll be ready. Many people are ready months after the death of their partner, and for others, it takes years. The most important thing is that you have this conversation with yourself, and aren't trying to satisfy someone else's idea of when you're ready (or not).
It's true that some widowed people do move on too fast, because they're in denial and don't want to face pain; such relationships often bear a cost. Still, even for those not in denial, finding a connection remains a huge human urge.
Until the intensity of your grief subsides, you can't expect to be truly happy again. Work through your guilt, extreme pain, extreme sadness, intense anger, and every other feeling and emotion. Often, reaching out to a grief counselor gives you a structure for doing this work.
A common option when deciding what to do with your wedding ring after your spouse's death is to continue to wear it in their honor. For many, it can be a form of comfort to continue wearing your wedding ring. Often that ring is a reminder of the love and memories you shared with your spouse.
What is the hardest stage of grief? Depression is usually the longest and most difficult stage of grief. Depression can be a long and difficult stage in the grieving process, but it's also when people feel their deepest sadness.
Grief or bereavement releases the hormone cortisol in reaction to stress that breaks down tissue and, in excess, can lead to collagen breakdown and accelerated aging. High cortisol levels prompt the skin's sebaceous glands to release more sebum. This in turn results in clogged pores, inflammation, and an increase in p.
There's no specific time period one should wait before dating again. Grieving and the process of moving on is something that's unique to each person. Some people take years, others weeks, and then there are those who choose never to date again.
Three years is enough for a spouse to remarry. It largely depends on how quickly the individual is able to move on after the incident. Mourning the dead forever won't change anything. The earlier a widow or widower moves on, the better for them, especially if their children are still young.
One of the statistics Keogh cites is how within two years of becoming a widower, 61% of widowed men find themselves in a serious relationship or had remarried compared to only 19% of widows. Keogh writes, “widowers are eight times more likely to remarry over their lifetimes vs.widows.” Remarkable!
Yes, it's normal for widowers to talk about the late wife and their life together. This need to talk about the late wife and their past life together often helps make the transition from the old to new life.
It's called the widowhood effect. With the widowhood effect, older adults grieving a spouse's death have an increased mortality risk compared to those whose spouses are living. This effect has even been documented by researchers.
1Tim. 5. [3] Honour widows that are widows indeed. [4] But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.
Introduction: My name is Jonah Leffler, I am a determined, faithful, outstanding, inexpensive, cheerful, determined, smiling person who loves writing and wants to share my knowledge and understanding with you.
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