Friends-with-benefits relationships (FWBs) are quite popular among U.S. college students—about 60% report at least one FWB at some point in their life. This popularity is not surprising, perhaps.
On the spectrum of completely casual (think one-night stand with a total stranger) to completely romantic (think sex with a spouse of several years), FWBs occupy a curious middle position. They are not quite casual—the partner is fairly well known (sometimes for years), you have a shared history of non-sexual interactions, and there is some level of emotional closeness and intimacy. As such, FWBs alleviate many of the risks inherent in more casual hookups, such as ending up with a bad/inattentive/inadequate lover, a crazy person, or a reputation. But FWBs are not quite romantic either—they lack the explicit commitment to being a couple and building a future together, and also the expectation of sexual monogamy inherent in most serious relationships. As such, they alleviate the burdens of too much commitment too quickly to the wrong person.
Aside from the obvious benefits of, well, the benefits (sexual pleasure, release, exploration) and the friendship (companionship, support), FWBs serve two other main functions: They can act as a “placeholder” (a temporary relationship until something better comes along) or as a “trial run” (checking to see if you’re compatible with the person before getting serious).
The answer to the trial run question is usually a ‘no’: Only about 10-20% of FWBs turn into long-term romantic relationships. The vast majority last for a while (sometimes for years), then the sex fizzles out. And then what? Does the friendship end together with the sex, or does it somehow manage to survive the end of the "benefits"?
There’s a widespread belief that sex is detrimental to a friendship, that it will complicate matters and ultimately destroy the friendship. People have this in mind when considering FWBs. In one study, losing the friendship was the second most frequently mentioned disadvantage of FWBs (cited by 28% of students), second only to the risk of developing unreciprocated feelings (cited by 65%).
Now, a recent study published in the November 2013 issue of the Archives of Sexual Behavior should put some of these fears to rest. The research team, headed by Dr. Jesse Owen of the University of Louisville in Kentucky, surveyed almost 1,000 college students about their FWB experiences. Among the 300 who had an FWB in the last year that had already ended, a full 80% said they were still friends. What's more, 50% reported feeling as close or closer to their ex-FWB partner than before the benefits started, and about 30% were not as close. And, as you can see from the graph below, men and women had pretty similar perceptions about what happened with the friendship post-benefits.
FWBs can end in many different ways. The sexual tension dissipated (which inevitably happens over time). Or the sex didn’t really work very well. Or one of you fell in love and they/you/both decided this was a bad idea. Or one of you started a serious, monogamous relationship with someone else. However they end, it seems that once the erotic aspect has been exhausted, many don’t find it particularly hard to return to being just friends. The shared history, the emotional intimacy, and the mutual liking are all still there.
But what about the 18.5% who did not remain friends? Well, not all FWBs are created equal.
Those who lost the friendship after the sex ended said their FWB relationship was more sex-based than friendship-based compared to those who remained friends. They also felt more deceived by their ex-FWB, had fewer mutual friends with them, and reported lower overall quality of their relationship.
So if you currently have a friend (or two) with benefits, or consider turning a friend (or two) into friends with benefits, don’t worry too much about the friendship: If your non-sexual relationship is strong to begin with, adding a sexual component to the mix is unlikely to change that. And if your friendship cannot survive some physical intimacy that ends eventually, chances are, it wasn't a friendship worth keeping anyway.
References
Bisson, M. A., &Levine, T. R. (2009). Negotiating a friends with benefits relationship. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 38, 66–73. doi:10.1007/s10508-007-9211-2
Jonason, P. K. (2013). Four functions of four relationships: Consensus definitions of university students. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 42, 1407-1414. doi:10.1007/s10508-013-0189-7
Owen, J., Fincham, F. D., & Manthos, M. (2013). Friendship after a Friends with Benefits relationship: Deception, psychological functioning, and social connectedness. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 42, 1443-1449. doi:10.1007/s10508-013-0160-7
The answer to the trial run question is usually a 'no': Only about 10-20% of FWBs
FWBs
Friends with benefits relationships (FWB or FWBR) is a term commonly used to refer to a relationship that is sexual without being romantic. Typically, these relationships can be between people that consider themselves platonic and friends.
If you're not ready to see them one-on-one or you're worried about the vibe, organize a group hang. Inviting other friends out with you can be an organic way to change the tone of your interactions. Maybe you're not sure what you want from your FWB, but you're really sure you're done with the physical stuff.
15 percent had become romantic partners. 28 percent had gone back to being just friends. 31 percent reported having no relationship of any kind with their former FWB.
Non-exclusivity: Friends with benefits arrangements are often non-exclusive, with partners free to date other people if they like. Temporary: These relationships are often short-lived. They either evolve into a more committed relationship, return to friendship, or end altogether.
The lifespan of most FWB situations spans a few weeks to a few months of bodacious banging before one or both parties move on. The sexual chemistry may be explosive, but the lack of emotional investment means there's minimal incentive to keep things blazing long-term.
Among the 300 who had an FWB in the last year that had already ended, a full 80% said they were still friends. What's more, 50% reported feeling as close or closer to their ex-FWB partner than before the benefits started, and about 30% were not as close.
The rest either stayed as friends-with-benefits (26 percent), ended up as just friends (28 percent), or had no interaction of any kind anymore (31 percent). Put simply, only 1.5 of every 10 "friends" ended up in a relationship with each other—not good odds.
Friends with benefits relationships usually end when one person catches feelings that aren't reciprocated. But other reasons can include a lack of respect or boundaries, waning interest in the fling, or another opportunity coming along for a serious relationship.
In fact, most friends who agree to a friends with benefits arrangement end up feeling closer to one another than they did before the physical relationship started. Most FWB couples end up staying friends in the long run, even long after their sexual relationship ends.
In friends with benefits scenarios, you're just friends — friends who hang out and sometimes have sex/be intimate with each other. People who are friends with benefits may be free to date other people. The physical stuff they do is usually “no strings attached”— they're not necessarily committed to each other.
Some may talk every day, but others might only talk when hooking up. As a general rule, maintain emotional distance from your friend with benefits. Talking often can increase intimacy, which may compromise the relationship.
Because you're friends, you're probably going to hang out outside of the bedroom, and this means that you will inevitably see them flirting with other people. While that's not a problem for some people, it can trigger jealousy in others, even if you logically know you're not in a monogamous relationship.
This rule aligns with the conventional perception of FWB where the relationship is casual and you are allowed to sleep with whomever you want—no strings attached, no consequences.
To make a friends with benefits relationship work, you should have regular check-ins about expectations. It's also important to set boundaries, like wearing a condom with other partners. You should also be honest if you develop feelings, so that you can avoid hurt feelings in the long run.
Talk about how you've been looking to the future a lot, and how a Fwb doesn't fit with your priorities or goals. Mention that being friends with benefits is something fun and short-term that you've enjoyed a lot, but not something that's a huge priority for you anymore.
Appreciate the friendship. Review the boundaries and expectations of each other to ensure that you're both on the same page. Set temporary rules like limiting the frequency of calls and chats, not meeting alone at home, no sexting or flirting. Check in with your friend during the transition phase.
That may include more intimate activities, such as crying on their shoulder, attending family events, or going on a formal date. To keep the peace and avoid disappointment, set expectations from the start and keep the conversation open and ongoing to ensure you're both on the same page.
Friends with benefits relationships usually end when one person catches feelings that aren't reciprocated. But other reasons can include a lack of respect or boundaries, waning interest in the fling, or another opportunity coming along for a serious relationship.
Introduction: My name is Saturnina Altenwerth DVM, I am a witty, perfect, combative, beautiful, determined, fancy, determined person who loves writing and wants to share my knowledge and understanding with you.
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