Like all great conspiracies, monogamy asks to be accepted at face value.
Feeld is proud to be a place where people can explore different relationship structures. This week, we wanted to turn our gaze towards monogamy: a mainstream idea that needs neither an introduction nor a defense, but which could benefit from some inquiry towards a deeper understanding. What is monogamy, and who gets to define it? Who practices monogamy, and how do individual experiences change our collective understanding of it? What are the cultural histories of monogamy, and in what ways are they evolving? What are the benefits of it, and which boundaries are upheld by its limitations? The week to come offers a dedicated deconstruction—as well as an open invitation to reconsider—the concept of monogamous commitment.
‘A couple’, the writer and psychoanalyst Adam Phillips writes in his book Monogamy, ‘is a conspiracy in search of a crime. Sex is often the closest they can get’. Like all great conspiracies, sexual monogamy has long asked to be accepted as inevitable, its contradictions suppressed in favour of its role as the normative destiny of human relations. Yet as such an enduring and widely accepted concept, it is far less prevalent in nature than perceived: from the approximately 4000 mammal species on Earth, less than five percent practice any form of monogamy. Even among humans, as Professor Roger Rubin’s research shows, only 43 (of 238 societies across the world) are monogamous. So where does the near-universal value we place on closed coupledom come from? Here is a brief overview.
Monogamy as policy
Socially imposed monogamy was first established in ancient Greece and Rome (even if sexual infidelity with concubines and slaves was largely tolerated). One of the plausible reasons, as explained by R. D. Alexander in The Biology of Moral Systems, was that monogamous groups were advantaged militarily over polygynous groups: imposing monogamy meant that fewer men would leave a group to search for wives elsewhere and would be available to fight in battles and pay taxes. As Christianity emerged in the Roman Empire in the first centuries AD, it embraced monogamy and took it further, insisting that two people must reserve their bodies and desires for each other, marriage becoming ‘an everlasting threesome with God’. It was Christianity that spread monogamy throughout the Western world, even as it struggled to fully justify its monolithic order on romance – no Biblical passages explicitly prohibit multiple partners (or, well, wives).
The love-based marriage
The ideal of the faithful couple was absorbed into the ideology of Romanticism, and in the 18th century the budding bourgeoisie introduced the idea of the love-based marriage. Even in the secular world, sexual monogamy became aligned with romantic commitment and civic, even political virtue. Yet, writes Alain de Botton in The Course of Love, if monogamy was based on love, why would we want to deny our partner the reality of other bodies, ‘a sensory high point as worthy of reverence as the tiles of the Alhambra or Bach's 'Mass in B minor'? The problem, he suggests, is that, for many people, love became ‘a quest to find love rather than to give it’ but he doesn’t see a solution for the trade-off between security and freedom – which is how Freud defined civilisation in 1929.
Modernity and atomisation
The industrial revolution solidified the security of coupledom as a haven against the atomising effect of the modern workplace, the modern city, the weakening of religion and community bonds. In effect, the weight monogamy put on a couple increased. As psychotherapist Esther Perel writes in her book Mating in Captivity, ‘today, we have to give one person what an entire village used to provide – financial and emotional support, companionship, entertainment, friendship, familiarity, mystery, love, sex, the works’, which turns coupledom into a safety raft in a sea of loneliness and anomie. To insist on monogamy as a necessary defence, writes cultural critic Mark Greif, is to ignore ‘the emotional capacities we’ve gained’ post-1960s, in the form of a ‘wide range of unusually warm, non-exclusive and simultaneous friendships, often verging on erotism’.
New relationships
These ‘new relations of erotic sociality’ brought on by the sexual revolution altered the very meaning of the word monogamy: from the Greek monos (alone)and gamos(marriage) signifying one marriage for life, we have come to understand it as one marriage – or sexual relationship – at a time. If this is all monogamy can promise today in exchange for continual emotional labour and sexual constraint, what are its chances? Relationship counselor and sex therapist Meg Barker prescribes reform by creative negotiation while in her new book, Is Monogamy Dead?, comedian Rosie Wilby suggests a new currency of commitment based on love affair friendships. An exciting example is philosopher Carrie Jenkins, who has a husband and a boyfriend, practicing what is known as consensual non-monogamy or CNM. As she writes, ‘you can custom-fit relationships to your life – if you dare talk about them’.
Being open
Whether or not it’s for you, the main thing monogamy’s history has taught us is the value of being open. Uncertainty can be opportunity. Other people are always already part of any couple, whether as the hovering possibility of infidelity or a CNM practice. As Adam Philips writes, ‘Two’s company but three’s a couple’.
FAQs
But these terms could also reflect more nontraditional arrangements, such as an open relationship, in which one or both members are not monogamous and have other sexual or romantic partners. The word “exclusivity” may be more accurate than “monogamy,” since it suggests that both partners are seeing only each other.
What is the history of monogamy? ›
Paleoanthropology and genetic studies offer two perspectives on when monogamy evolved in the human species: paleoanthropologists offer tentative evidence that monogamy may have started very early in human history whereas genetic studies suggest that monogamy might have increased much more recently, less than 10,000 to ...
Who benefits the most from monogamy? ›
In fact, the evolutionary advantages to males of being monogamous are so clear that the two studies reached competing conclusions about which benefit is greater for males.
When did the Bible switch to monogamy? ›
As Christianity emerged in the Roman Empire in the first centuries AD, it embraced monogamy and took it further, insisting that two people must reserve their bodies and desires for each other, marriage becoming 'an everlasting threesome with God'.
Is it cheating if you're exclusive but not in a relationship? ›
if you agreed to exclusivity, then yes, it's cheating if someone sleeps with someone else.
What makes a man want to be exclusive? ›
Like everyone, he's looking for a relationship that adds to his happiness. So, show him you're his cheerleader, empathetic ear, and all-around biggest fan. This will make him way more interested in exclusivity. Improve your relationship dynamic by being a super supportive potential partner.
Are humans designed to be monogamous? ›
We are termed 'socially monogamous' by biologists, which means that we usually live as couples, but the relationships aren't permanent and some sex occurs outside the relationship. There are three main explanations for why social monogamy evolved in humans, and biologists are still arguing which is the most important.
Does the Bible talk about monogamy? ›
New Testament. Three passages in the pastoral epistles (1 Timothy 3:2, 1 Timothy 3:12 and Titus 1:6) state that church leaders should be the "husband of one wife." This has been read by some Christian denominations as a prohibition of polygamy.
What are the three types of monogamy? ›
Biologists have described three types of monogamy: social monogamy, sexual monogamy, and genetic monogamy. Social monogamy refers to a couple that lives together, has sex with one another, and cooperates in acquiring basic resources such as food and shelter.
What are the downsides of monogamy? ›
Monogamy Erodes Emotional Satisfaction and Creates Jealousy
In other words, boredom sets in. The argument that a couple reaches the apex of emotional fulfillment through a complete merge of personalities fails to consider the natural human penchant for curiosities and new knowledge.
Financial stability: Sharing resources with one partner can make finances easier to manage. Emotional focus: All attention and love is focused on one person, which can strengthen bonds and intimacy. Jealousy avoidance: Having only one partner reduces the risk of jealousy from other partners.
Why do we crave monogamy? ›
Where does our obsession with sexual monogamy stem from? According to couples therapist Esther Perel, our values for sexual monogamy were instilled in childhood. As babies, our parents were utterly devoted to us, and monogamy is our way of recreating this connection.
When did Jews become monogamous? ›
When did the Jewish people stop practicing polygamy? When did the Jewish people stop practicing polygamy? Ashkenazim formally banned polygamy in the 10th century. Other Jews never did stop until the modern era, when various governments banned it.
Why were concubines allowed? ›
The main functions of concubinage for men was for pleasure and producing additional heirs, whereas for women the relationship could provide financial security. Children of concubines had lower rights in account to inheritance, which was regulated by the Dishu system.
Where in the Bible does it say that a man should have one wife? ›
Bible Gateway 1 Corinthians 7 :: NIV. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband.
Is being exclusive the same as being in a relationship? ›
Exclusive dating is a commitment to one person without the full weight of a relationship title. It's about exploration, understanding, and growth. On the other hand, a relationship implies a deeper commitment, often recognized by both partners and their social circles.
Are you single if you're exclusive? ›
Exclusive relationship meaning
Labels mean different things to people, but one of the simplest ways to think of “exclusive” is a transitional phase between “dating” and “relationship.” This can also mean agreeing to not see other people while on your way to — potentially — becoming a couple.
How long should you be exclusive before a relationship? ›
How long should you exclusively date before getting into a relationship? Well, there's no right or wrong way to do it, says Maryanne Comaroto, PhD, a relationship psychologist. Generally, though, she advises dating for about 90 days—give or take—depending on your situation.
Are you exclusive after 3 dates? ›
Most folks need 5-6 dates to make it official.
Every couple is different, but if you've gone on 3-4 dates and you're worried that you aren't official yet, don't worry.
