Tabby Kibugi at Get Me Giddy asks me and other professionals about The Forgotten Art of Eye Seduction.
Check out an excerpt below:
Thanks to online dating and a shifting culture, bedroom eyes may be harder to come by. While eye contact plays a significant role in enabling two people to acquire a sense of each other's emotional state, according to a 2019 study published in the journal eNeuro, most adults don't make enough eye contact. In order to create a sense of emotional connection with someone, a person should make eye contact during 60 percent to 70 percent of a conversation, based on 2013 numbers by the Texas communications analytics company Quantified Impressions. However, adults typically spend only 30 percent to 60 percent of an average conversation making eye contact.
The rise of social movements like #MeToo has also led to cultural shifts in the way we perceive suggestive eye contact. For some people, an unwanted gaze may be considered just as affronting as unwanted touch. But this viewpoint certainly isn't ubiquitous.
"While it may be a relief to be ogled less by a stranger, there is a definite loss to the mating dance as it has existed throughout human interest," said Indigo Stray Conger, a certified sex therapist for Mile High Psychotherapy in Denver. "Without sexual gaze, sexual tension is decreased and signals indicating desire become more ambiguous."
With the notion of sexual harassment looming overhead, it's important to consider the context in which you're sending out eye-flirting signals. This is especially true if you don't have any level of implicit consent, for example, if you want to flirt with a stranger. If you're in a bar or club where the main purpose is to seek sexual partners, Conger noted that there may be some form of implicit consent for flirtation. Similarly, if you're on a date with someone, some kind of flirtation through nonphysical means is expected.
"If you are walking down the street or in a yoga class, however, flirtatious gaze is intrusive and unwarranted," Conger said. "People have the right to carry on with their daily lives without being concerned that unsolicited sexual energy is going to be thrown in their direction."
Done in the right context, eye flirtation can aid in feeling out the vibe between two people and catalyze natural chemistry. Plus, the titillating effect created by being seen can make the target feel attractive. Eye contact is one of the most intimate ways to connect with someone. After all, it's harder to fake feelings in the eyes. Think of how many movies and even cartoons illustrate desire through pointed gazes.
With a romantic partner, eye flirting can be a great form of foreplay and help turn up the heat in your daily routine. Not only does it cause sexual arousal, it also makes you feel connected to your partner on an emotional level.
"Holding each other's gaze for an extra beat or taking in their body with your eyes are quick techniques to spark sensual energy and build sexual anticipation," Conger said.
Like any other form of flirting, it takes a bit of practice to get eye flirting right. The correct amount of eye contact should be enough to be noticeable but not enough to be a sheer staredown. Any time you flirt with a stranger or someone else in a nonsexual context, Conger advised keeping your gaze above the neck.
"There's plenty of sensual energy to be transmitted without possibly violating someone's personal space," she said.
