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The death of a spouse is a life-altering setback that is extremely difficult to overcome. The memories and pain continue to haunt you for a long time especially if it was a strong, long and beautiful relationship that changed your world. But with time, as the grief ebbs, a woman or a man who is left alone, feels the need to have a companion. The first relationship after being widowed requires delicate handling as there are a lot of complexities involved.
This is because even if you are ready, starting afresh romantically requires a whole new attitude and brings forth a new set of challenges. You need to be prepared for the anxiety and scare you might experience. Dating as a widow or a widow man also means learning to cope with the emotional baggage of the past, set expectations realistically, and not fall into the comparison trap of holding a new partner or potential love interest to the standards of your marriage.
Questions like how long should you wait to date after losing a spouse or when should a widow start dating could be weighing on your mind as you contemplate getting back on the dating scene. While there are no right or wrong answers to these questions, a good rule of thumb to go by is when you feel ready. So, don’t feel pressured to start dating if you don’t want to, and at the same time, don’t put it off out of fear of judgment.
What else do you need to know about finding love after being widowed and starting a new chapter of companionship? Let’s take a look at some important dos and don’ts.
First Relationship After Being Widowed- 18 Dos And Don’ts
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There is always that dilemma of how soon is it to start dating again after being widowed. Like we said before, there is no fixed time for this. Some people might take months or even years to get over their trauma, others might use a relationship as a crutch to get over their grief. So it is important not to judge yourself or let others judge you. We all have our own paces and our own perspectives.
Whenever you decide to enter the dating arena or want to finally get down to downloading those dating apps for widows, be sure of what you want from the relationship. As mentioned above, you alone can decide the fate of your life, and how soon you want to begin it depends entirely on your state of being. That said, here are some ways you can ease into your first relationship after being widowed:
1. Ask yourself if you have overcome the tragedy as a widow man
How long should you wait to date after losing a spouse? As long as it takes for you to be able to view a potential new relationship as an independent entity and not a replacement or compensation for what you’ve lost. Before embarking on any serious relationship, ensure that your grief period after losing a spouse is well and truly over.
It would not be fair for the other person to get into a rebound relationship after the death of a loved one. The worst mistake you can make as a widow man is to seek a replacement for the loss because you can’t stand the idea of being alone. This is how you end up making mistakes and regretting getting into the wrong relationship.
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If you’re, in fact, looking for a rebound relationship after the death of your spouse to cope with loneliness and grief, make sure you’re not in denial about it. It’s also equally important to let a potential new romantic interest know that you’re not looking for anything serious in that case. Honesty to yourself and the other person is the basic rule of dating after the death of your spouse.
2. Realize if you are emotionally ready
Widows and widowers both need their own time to get back out there again. When should a widow start dating? This may seem like a complex question, but has a rather simple answer: when you feel ready to open your heart to someone else. You might be open to the idea of dating but are you emotionally ready to offer a commitment? If you are still haunted by the memories of your deceased partner, if small triggers upset you and you feel hesitant to get intimate with anyone else, it’s a sign that you are still not over your ex.
In this case, it might be worth your while to give yourself some time before entering a new relationship or at least plunging deeply into one. You should, of course, be open to meeting people and seeking out companionship or at least enjoy a good, healthy friendship. There is no instant way of finding love after being widowed. You have to be open to the process of putting yourself out there and be emotionally ready to seek out a new partner.
Related Reading: 21 Do’s And Don’ts When Dating A Widower
3. Don’t feel guilty to search for love after death of your spouse
Finding love after death of your spouse is not a crime. Whether you’re dating as a young widow or as a widow man who was married for decades, first and foremost, remove guilt from your mind. Do not feel embarrassed about wanting to date again. When you go out with a new person and it ends up in you getting your first kiss after widowhood, the intimacy may definitely lead to some confusion within you.
You are probably getting the attention of a man other than your husband after a long time. This might even lead to sex and that would be a bold step to take initially but don’t get intimidated by the thought. Just go with the flow.
Cherry was distraught after losing her husband, who was also her high school sweetheart, at just 28. After grieving for five long years, she had to decide whether to start dating as a young widow or stay single. On the insistence of her friends and family, she did create a dating profile but couldn’t even imagine thinking long-term with another man.
“I had never really been on the dating scene since my husband and I met in high school and tied the knot soon after we both landed our first jobs. Even though he had been gone a long time, I couldn’t invest myself emotionally in another man and ended up having a rebound relationship after the death of my husband. I had a fleeting fling with a software engineer that lasted nearly 2 months. That’s how I started dating as a widow,” says Cherry.
4. Deal with intimacy issues in your first relationship after being widowed
Seeking intimacy after the death of a spouse is a common problem among widows and widowers. In some instances, there is a bizarre sense of guilt – as if your former partner is ‘watching’ you – that prevents you from having sex. At the other end of the spectrum, some widows and widowers seek sex without commitment, more as a means to release their pent-up loneliness.
This can be quite confusing to someone who seeks intimacy with a widow or widower as they might not really know where they stand in a relationship. To prevent such a mess in a new connection you form, it’s imperative to work through difficult emotions before you start dating as a widow. Perhaps, seek help from a counselor to understand why you really want to start dating and how you feel about it on a conscious and subconscious level.
5. Decide to what extent you want to reveal yourself
How to start dating as a widow man? By defining your emotional boundaries, first for yourself and then for any potential romantic interest. Remember that the person you are now seeing is coming from a different space and place. When you enter your first relationship after being widowed, it is natural to unburden your pain onto him.
But it’s always best to approach this a bit carefully and take your time into revealing too much about yourself or your past. Decide beforehand what you want to share with him and what you would rather keep for later. You may open up slowly as you get more comfortable.
6. Widows and widowers must take it slow
If there is one top piece of advice for a woman or man entering their first relationship after being widowed, it is to go super slow. Just the way there is no one-size-fits-all answer to how long should you wait to date after losing a spouse, the pace at which you take a new relationship forward also depends solely on you. Take your own time to build a comfort level. Let the decision about where you want to take it, be yours alone.
As we said before, there is no right time to start dating again and finding love after death of your spouse. But once you do end up being in an exclusive relationship, take each step with a sense of self-awareness. You have undergone a severe tragedy and you would not want your past to overshadow your future. So give it time and let it breathe.
Related Reading: I was a widow and a single mother at 28 till life gave me a second chance
7. Communicate and be candid
For finding love after being widowed, you have to be ready to open your heart and mind to a prospective new partner and truly let them in. Going into the dating arena can leave you with mixed emotions but if you find someone you connect with, do not hide your true emotions and vulnerabilities. Be honest with your potential partner and don’t give mixed signals.
It doesn’t mean you bare your heart in the first instance, just that you need to be honest about your intentions, fears, and desires. For instance, if you’re dating as a young widow and would like to remarry at some point, make sure you let communicate this to a new or potential partner sooner rather than later. Likewise, if you still feel for your late partner, tell him that and ask for time to get over it. This will help you develop your relationship in a healthy way.
8. Consider the other person’s feelings too
Several times, a widow gets together with a widowed man and it might be a good match considering that both have been through the same pain. Despite the advantages of such an alliance, be conscious of the relationship problems with a widower that may occur. If both are ready to leave the past behind and start on something new, it has the potential to be a great relationship.
But if both are coming with their own baggage of pain, it might not exactly give you the happiness you seek and deserve. So, apart from figuring out when should a widow start dating, you must also identify who to date in the second innings of your romantic life. Choose wisely, because a string of bad experiences on the dating scene will only add to your emotional baggage.
9. Prepare a plan for the children
If you are a widow with children or a widowed man with kids, be sure to engage them when you enter a relationship, lest there be complications later. Sometimes children can be quite testy and might object to their mother seeing a new man after the death of their father. So you have to know how to work on your relationship with stepchildren. It would be best if you introduce your new love to them only after you are sure of yourself first.
If you’re merely having a rebound relationship after the death of your spouse as a coping mechanism, you don’t need to let the children in on it. However, if a new connection has the potential of turning into something meaningful, then a conversation is warranted. Let your children know about your loneliness and need for companionship. It will require a lot of maturity on your as well as your partner’s side to forge a bond with the kids.
Related Reading: Dating An Older Man – The Ultimate List Of Dos and Don’ts
10. Work on your ex’s family
When you begin your first relationship after being widowed for a while, you might face some awkwardness from your ex-spouse’s family. The fact that their former daughter-in-law can be with a new man can be a bit difficult to accept for your late husband’s immediate and extended family.
This is especially true if you all were rather close-knit. Depending on the depth of your relationship with them, try and get them to see your point of view. Assure them that they are not losing you because of your new relationship. When dating as a widow, you have to learn to carry all your past connections along and not build a new relationship at their cost.
11. Let your friends meet your new partner
Widows and widowers must shed their inhibitions about flaunting their new partner to the world. You’re allowed to be happy again and others are allowed to see it too. It’s not just your children, you also need to consider your close friends and their reaction when you enter your first relationship after being widowed. Whether you are dating in your 50s or your 20s, be proud of the love that you have found. But there are some things that you should keep in mind as well.
Initially, be prepared for some awkward moments as there might be people who knew you when you were together with your ex-spouse.It can even come as a surprise for your friend circle especially if they weren’t aware that you had started dating again. So it’s best that you gradually introduce your new beau to your friends and acquaintances. This will also help them feel secure and show that you are willing to move on truly.
12. Spend time together
How to start dating as a widow? If you’re looking for a long, enduring partnership, then you have to invest in nurturing a relationship with your new partner. As with any new relationship, when you start dating someone after a bereavement, you need to spend time with the person to judge him and his compatibility with you better. Go for a short break or travel with him.
If you both are okay with it, you should also take children along (assuming you have introduced him to them). This will help you decide whether his habits, lifestyle, mannerisms, etc match yours in every way in case you see there is a possibility of a long-term commitment or even marriage.
13. Never ever compare
It’s truly the worst thing that you can do as a widowed man to a woman. It depends entirely on the relationship you shared with your late spouse but when you enter your first relationship after being widowed, stay away from the tendency to compare your current partner with your ex-spouse. Often, the death of a person leads you to idolize him or her more and you may end up placing them on a pedestal.
It may lead to unfair comparisons with the new person who deserves to be judged on his own. Comparisons can be the biggest drawback when it comes to developing a relationship after death. For finding love after being widowed, you have to be willing to see, appreciate, and accept a new partner for who they’re.
Related Reading: 11 Expert Tips To Have A Successful Second Marriage
14. Don’t let the past hinder your present
If you have attempted dating after a long time and have decided to cement your first relationship after being widowed, take special efforts to ensure that the shadow of your earlier marriage does not mar the new bond. The secret to dating as a widow successfully is to start with a clean slate because widows and widowers have a tendency of reminiscing about their old marriages too much.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to erase the memories of your deceased spouse. However, make a conscious effort to not bring them up in every other conversation. It can be reassuring to find a new partner who is sympathetic to your grief but talking too much about your ex or the moments you shared together in your past relationship can hamper your new relationship. Don’t spend your entire date talking about your past.
15. Be open to forming new connections and friendships
When you start dating again, you are not just meeting one person but several others through him. While in your former marriage, you and your spouse would have had common friends, you will make new ones in this new relationship. Be open to forming fresh friendships, developing hobbies that you hadn’t thought of before, and gaining new life experiences.
A committed, serious relationship is not formed with just one person but his entire circle comprising family, friends, colleagues, etc. So don’t isolate your relationship from the larger picture because of your past.
16. Make your date feel special
It is easy to forget this rule when you enter a relationship after being widowed for some time but remember your potential new boyfriend deserves attention and care. Whatever be the real truth of your previous marriage, you would have been in a committed exclusive relationship until death cruelly broke the chain.
This might make it easy for you to forget to make your date feel special. Treat him in a way that he does not feel insecure by the ghosts of the past. Make him convinced that you have truly moved on and are willing to focus on him. Whether you’re dating as a young widow or someone who was married for decades, now that you’ve decided to give love another chance, treat your new partner with the love, respect, and importance they deserve.
Related Reading: A Beautiful Love Story: She is a Widow In love with a Married Man
17. Look after yourself
Grief can impact people in different ways. The depression caused by the death of a spouse can often lead you to neglect yourself, emotionally and physically. But to move on, build a new life and even find love after death of your wife or husband, you need to take care of yourself. The journey to finding love after being widowed begins with self-love – and it’s not the same as self-pity.
Do whatever it takes – hit the gym, give yourself a makeover, and do not feel guilty about the desire to look good and attractive again. These simple steps of self-love can lead you to perhaps discovering a new love. Invest in yourself and watch how your life changes.
18. Remember to give yourself another chance
Not all relationships end up in fairy tales. It can be possible that your first relationship after being widowed might end up in disappointment. He might not be the soul mate you were looking for after the death of your husband. But let that not deter you from giving romance another chance. Treat it as a transition that you need to heal from the pain of the past and get ready for the real good relationship that will take you into the future.
A relationship after widowhood can work out beautifully if you are willing to give your love and energy to it. Yes, the dynamics might be slightly different from the past but the emotions remain the same so don’t allow any fear or guilt to come in the way of real happiness.
FAQs
1. How long should a widow(er) wait before dating?
There is no fixed period as to when a widow or widower should start dating. The only rule that one can follow is to ensure that he or she is fully ready to start a new relationship and is not held back by the memories of the past.
2. How do you start dating after being widowed?
You can start meeting new people either through friends or even dating apps. Be open to any method of dating so long as you can connect with a person and feel comfortable opening up to him.
3. Does widowed mean single?
Widowed means a person who has lost his spouse due to death. A widowed person may be single legally if he doesn’t marry again but if he enters a committed relationship, he or she would not be considered single.
4. What should you not say to a widow?
If you are dating a widow, do not probe too much into the marriage or the cause of death of her spouse unless she is herself willing to talk about it.
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