A while backI asked my followers on Instagram what theywould liketo thank themselves for.Some of the most common responses were“leaving my relationship”or “getting a divorce.”Surprised? Icertainly wasn’t.
It is incredibly difficult to be stuck in a relationship that is notright –butmaking the decision to leave can beeven morechallenging.
Manyof usfeel frustrated for having stayed “too long”once we are out of a relationship, butinthosemoments of judgment, we canlose sight ofhow difficult it is to end arelationship.
There are many reasonswhy someone may choose to stay,even if they want to leave. Here are some of the most common reasons we stay with our partners when the relationship isn't working:
Fearof the unknown.The thought of leaving a relationship is daunting andis frequentlyaccompaniedbymany questions:Will I ever find someone who loves me again? Will I die alone? Where will I live (if I move out)? What will happen toourkids?Not being able to predict or controlthe futureis scary.In ourmind’smisguided attemptto keepus safe, it often jumps to the conclusion that the familiar is “safe” andany alternative to staying in the relationshipistoorisky.
Fear ofjudgment.Society hasaruthless way of making us feellike a failureifourrelationshipends. As a result, wefretabout what family,friendsor our communitymightsay.The threat of judgmentcan prevent us from doingwhat weactuallyneed or want.
"I’veinvested too much time."I often hear,“I've invested so many years and made so many sacrifices for this relationship, I can't leave now.”Thismindsetreinforces thenotion that a relationship that endsisawasteoftime.Butthe time we have invested still holds value.We can walk away with significant memoriesandinvaluable lessons.
Perceived benefits of staying.It’s easy for us toidentify (very real)benefits of stayingin a relationship.Benefits canincludehaving someone to travel with, not going home to an empty apartment,financial security and stabilityorkeeping a family together.However, by ruminating ontheadvantages,we may lose sight oftheequally important disadvantages, such asourmental healthandhappiness.
co*cktail of guilt, shame, obligation and loyalty.Healthy relationships are not rooted in guilt,shame, detrimental obligation or blind loyalty. Many of us struggle to leave because wedon’t want tolet our partner down or break a promise.This anxiety might be combinedwith ourconcern aboutour partner’s future.Sometimes itboils down to not trusting the person'scapacity to live their lives without us– and consequently theprioritization of their needs over our own.
Abusive relationships.It’s often difficult forpeople tosee they are being manipulatedorcoerced into staying inarelationship.Abusive partners can make usbelieve they are the best person for us,and we can’t do better.Insome instances, the abusebecomesnormalized and westart tobelieve everyone is, for example,shouted at, belittled, orphysically threatened.Insomesituations,wemay beunable to leavebecause offinancial control or safetyconcerns. This can pressure ustostayto protectourselves,ourchildren orourpets.
What’s love got to do with it?
Let’s not forget about love.
If we love someone and can’t imagine a life without them,wemaystay in relationships that are notrightfor us.The strong attachment we have formed withour partner –and to our future with them– can encourage us to ignorered flags.Even when the relationship is not right, ourconnectionto our partners, their familyor their kids may make it more difficult to walk away.
How to get out
If you or anyone you know is struggling with leaving a relationship it’s important to be gentle and patient. This is not an easy decision.
Quick tips for making this tough decision:
- Pay attention to how the relationship makes you feel (most of the time).
- Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself: Do you want to be in this relationship? If there were no repercussions, would you stay?
- Build a support system that can offer perspective and a safe space to explore your feelings.
- Be loyal to your needs.
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships, and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers.Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.
