News flash: The dating scene is rough, and that person who seems wonderful might show their true colors faster than you can say “WYD.”
Red flags in men, women, and nonbinary people range from small to catastrophic. If you haven't met any of their friends, they're not ready to commit, or you’ve discovered that they're a liar-liar-pants-on-fire, you might want to think twice about your next date.
Learn the early signs of a controlling man, woman, or nonbinary person to keep an eye out for red flags and save you the trouble of a bad partner.
Red flags in dating
“Red flags” are warning signs. They're behaviors — subtle or outright — that suggest a current or potential partner might be manipulative, dishonest, or incompatible with you.
Identifying red flags in relationships can help you avoid dating or spending time with someone who isn’t a good match. For example, if your partner avoids discussing anything serious or only talks about themselves, this could indicate a self-centered or evasive personality (a huge red flag). But there are many other warning signs, from gossiping about ex-partners to being overly secretive.
In some cases, red flags indicate seriously toxic relationships. Small behaviors can become more problematic over time, so it's essential to recognize and rectify them early on, whether that means having a conversation about it or cutting that person off entirely. A little back-handed compliment might hurt a bit now, but if the behavior continues, the constant negativity could end up affecting your life and self-esteem long-term.
Understanding and acknowledging these red flags can help you avoid starting or staying in unhealthy partnerships. It's all about knowing what to look for and trusting your gut when something feels wrong.
List of red flags: 11 to look for
If red’s your favorite color, listen up: These flags don't always mean a toxic relationship, or even abuse, is on the horizon. Everyone has bad habits, and if your partner makes an effort to correct the small things you point out, that’s a good step.
That said, being aware of and able to recognize red flags can save you from a bad connection, whether you're in the market for casual hookups or a long-term partnership. Here's a list of common red flags to watch out for:
1. Inconsistent communication
Watch out if someone oscillates between being distant and showering you with attention. This relationship red flag can indicate a lack of interest or emotional unreliability. Consistent, open communication in relationships about everything from boundaries to sexual compatibility is healthy, especially when unpredictability can lead to hurt feelings and confusion.
2. Disrespect
Someone who disregards your boundaries, dismisses your feelings, or speaks to you badly shows a fundamental lack of respect that doesn't work for healthy relationships. This hurtful behavior may escalate into more severe issues, so quickly nip it in the bud. Make respect a relationship non-negotiable.
3. Control issues
Attempting to control your location, decisions, or activities is a significant red flag for emotional abuse. This possessive behavior may lead to stifling relationship dynamics. Controlling behavior also connects to jealousy, and while someone being jealous may seem like both a green and red flag if it makes you feel wanted and loved, it paves the way for loss of autonomy. You should always be able to go where and do what you want.
4. Deception
Consistent dishonesty about someone's feelings, personal life, or intentions is a serious concern. Relationships require honesty and transparency to thrive, and dating someone who’s always lying shows that they don’t value a genuine connection with you.
5. Flirting with others
Flirting with other people while you're in a committed, monogamous relationship is a blatant sign of disrespect. This behavior may make you feel confused and insecure, and it displays a lack of commitment and regard for your feelings. Flirting with other people, unless you're in a polyamorous relationship and it's within your set boundaries, is a no-go.
6. Anger or aggression
It's okay to be angry sometimes, but regular expressions of anger or aggression are red flags. Even if this anger isn't directed at you, explosive behavior like large emotional outbursts, slamming doors, or punching holes in walls can indicate deeper emotional issues. It's hard to have a healthy relationship with someone who loses their temper constantly.
7. Unwillingness to commit
If the person you're dating is a commitment-phobe, that's a red flag. If you're supposed to be in a serious, committed relationship with someone, but they aren't open to discussing and planning a future together, find someone else. They may not intend to be with you in six months or a year.
8. Lack of apologies
When your partner's in the wrong, do they genuinely acknowledge and apologize, or do they make excuses and shift the blame? A sincere apology involves taking full responsibility for your actions and taking steps to repair the damage, and being unable to do so is a sign of an emotionally stunted partner.
9. History of infidelity
While some people can work through their infidelity issues — and that deserves credit — dating a serial cheater has its risks. If someone has a history of infidelity, be careful, especially if your relationship with them began while they were dating someone else. Actions speak louder than words, and if they don’t own up to past mistakes, you’re looking at a flaming red flag.
10. Speaking badly of their exes
If someone constantly talks badly about their exes, they may lack accountability. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and when someone blames their exes for everything going wrong, they may refuse to acknowledge their role in fights and breakups. They could do the same to you.
11. Love bombing
Love bombing happens when someone overwhelms you with attention and affection, usually early in a relationship. Like gaslighting, it's a form of psychological and emotional abuse that aims to control the relationship and win your affection. While love bombing might feel flattering, it can lead to more abusive and controlling behavior. In the case of this red flag, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
4 tips for managing red flags
Whether you're in a long-term or new relationship, everyone wants to be with someone who loves, appreciates, and respects them. If you're encountering red flags in dating and want to learn how to be proactive, these tips can help:
1. Don't ignore them
Recognizing red flags is crucial, but you have to take action, too. You can't just ignore them and hope they disappear. Red flags can indicate deep issues that won't resolve themselves, so address them to maintain your well-being and prevent future heartache.
2. Call them out quickly
When you spot a red flag, don't wait to bring it up. Express your concerns and see how your partner responds. If they acknowledge the issue and discuss making a change, wait and watch to see if their actions and words align. Communication plays a vital role here, so don't be shy. A truly great partner will be open to change and respect your feelings.
3. Consider your dealbreakers
Think about what you're willing and unwilling to tolerate in a relationship. Some red flags are more severe than others, and if an issue conflicts with your core values, personal safety, or sense of self, it’s a dealbreaker. Compromise on minor issues, but never on what's fundamentally important to you.
4. Leave if you feel unsafe
In a healthy relationship, you should speak up about your feelings and have conversations about how both of you can improve. But in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, speaking up does have the potential to make the situation worse.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your partner about their behavior, that’s a sign it’s time to break things off. You don’t owe them anything —walk away, block them, and take any other measures to make sure they can’t reach you anymore. Your safety is a priority.
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