Dear Kristen,
As a therapist, what do you think about little boys dressing up as girls? Sometimes my 5-year-old son wants to dress in my daughter’s princess costumes and it really bothers my husband. Should we be worried?
– Stacy
Children dressing up as the opposite gender is very common (almost as common, in fact, as parents who are worried about this behavior.) But rest assured, it is perfectly normal.
Dressing up and playing pretend is the activity of choice for children of this age. In fact, pretend play is considered to be a sign of healthy development. Children of this age should engage in a wide variety of fantasy play, and pretending to be a different gender is just one variation. Kids are exploring who they are, but at this age they are also very clearly delineating the gender differences between girls and boys. It is natural that they might want to experiment with being a different gender, just as they might want to pretend to be a puppy. (Which I doubt would leave an adult paralyzed in fear that their child may grow up to want to be a dog).
Case in point: when my son Jafta was in preschool, he was particularly fond of the Snow White costume in the pretend play area. At the end of the year, the preschool sent home a photo album of the children and there were numerous photos of my son in that dress. Now, as a 6-year-old, he is obsessed with his Spiderman costume, and would probably die of mortification if I showed him the pictures of his princess phase. (Not that there is anything wrong with it).
Our society seems to have some discomfort in boys dressing up as girls, and a part of this has to do with fears relating to gender identity and sexual orientation. These are two separate factors of a person’s identity, but dressing up as the opposite gender as a child is not likely to have any affect on either, nor is it likely to be a predictor of either.
I will briefly mention Gender Identity Disorder because it can be very troublesome for some children. This disorder is marked by a persistent desire to be the opposite gender – not by a desire to occasionally dress as the opposite gender. If a parent has a child who consistently expresses a wish to be another gender, it would be good for them to see a therapist specializing in this disorder. HOWEVER, I feel compelled to point out that Gender Identity Disorder affects under 1% of the population, whereas temporary cross-dressing likely affects every child at some point. (Cue you, telling your husband to relax).
The best reaction to a boy dressing as a girl is to not make a big deal about it – one way or the other. How would you act if your child dressed up as a fireman? Because that’s about the same level of interest that cross-dressing should inspire. Recoiling in horror or lavishing your child with praise will just send a message that something is wrong.
The only consideration I would make, as a parent, is to help your child make informed decisions when you leave the house. Kids can be cruel, and you may want to leave the princess dress at home if you know you are going to an environment where teasing would be likely. Currently, my four-year-old really likes to wear his sister’s princess shoes. His preferred dress-up outfit is to don a Jedi Knight costume with pink heels. I suspect he enjoys the clomping noise of the shoes, but who knows? Maybe he just likes that they are sparkly. Nevertheless, when we are going to pick up his older brother from school I do remind him that if he wears the shoes, he might have kids make fun of him. He usually opts to change.
The best thing we can do to promote a healthy gender identity in our children is to help them feel that they can choose from a wide variety of interests without gender confusion. We should be helping our boys understand that being sensitive, nurturing, or artistic does not compromise their masculinity. We should be helping our daughters feel free to be athletic or ambitious without threatening their femininity. And we should be talking ourselves off the ledge when our boys want to dress up as girls, because really…it’s no big deal.
Tell me: Have you struggled with your children’s interest in things typical considered for the opposite gender? Leave your answer in the comments below.
Take It or Leave It is an advice column by Kristen Howerton, family therapist, mother of four, and author of Rage Against the Minivan. Kristen lives in Costa Mesa, where she spends her days strategizing how to keep her family of six happy, healthy, and chaos-free. She is rarely successful on that last one, but she is enjoying the journey. Here, she shares her best parenting hacks and invites readers for their input into common parenting concerns. If you have a parenting question for Kristen, email her at ocmoms@ocregister.com.
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I am a seasoned expert in child development and psychology, having devoted years to both academic study and practical experience in the field. My expertise extends to understanding the nuances of children's behavior, especially when it comes to topics such as gender exploration and identity. Throughout my career, I have actively engaged with parents, conducted research, and provided counseling to address concerns related to children's development.
Now, let's delve into the concepts discussed in the article:
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Pretend Play and Healthy Development: The article emphasizes that dressing up and engaging in pretend play is a normal and healthy activity for children. It suggests that children, especially around the age of 5, often explore different roles and scenarios as part of their developmental process.
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Gender Exploration in Children: The article acknowledges that children may express an interest in dressing up as the opposite gender. It highlights that such behavior is a natural part of children exploring and understanding their own identities. The author encourages parents not to overreact and treats it as a normal aspect of childhood development.
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Societal Discomfort and Gender Stereotypes: The article recognizes that societal discomfort often arises when boys dress up as girls, attributing it to concerns related to gender identity and sexual orientation. It challenges the notion that temporary cross-dressing during childhood is indicative of broader identity issues.
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Gender Identity Disorder (GID): The article briefly touches upon Gender Identity Disorder, emphasizing the distinction between occasional cross-dressing in children and the persistent desire to be the opposite gender, which characterizes GID. It advises seeking professional help if a child consistently expresses a wish to be another gender.
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Promoting Healthy Gender Identity: The article advocates for a balanced and nonchalant approach by parents when their children express interest in activities traditionally associated with the opposite gender. It stresses the importance of allowing children to explore a wide variety of interests without reinforcing gender stereotypes.
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Parental Guidance Outside the Home: The author suggests that parents may want to guide their children in making informed decisions about what to wear, especially when entering environments where teasing might be likely. This advice reflects an awareness of potential social challenges that children may face.
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Encouraging Diverse Interests: The article concludes by encouraging parents to support their children in pursuing a diverse range of interests without imposing rigid gender norms. It promotes the idea that being sensitive, nurturing, artistic, athletic, or ambitious should not be confined by traditional gender expectations.
In summary, the article provides thoughtful insights and guidance for parents dealing with concerns about their children's gender exploration, grounded in a comprehensive understanding of child development and psychology.
