Parents who co-sleep with their children report that they have no idea how they got to the point where their beds are consistently occupied by both children and adults. “It sort of crept up on us and here we are,” one mother warily explained when asked how long her 12-year-old son had been climbing into her bed at night. She reported that she never intended to be sleeping next to her son for years when she allowed him to sleep with her and her husband six years ago at a weak moment.
Co-sleeping may have seemed like a good idea at one point, but over time it’s anything but restful and, in fact, it creates additional stress for the entire family. Recent studies indicate that near-epidemic proportions of children are co-sleeping with parents today. According to Parenting's MomConnection, a surprising 45 percent of moms let their 8- to 12-year-olds sleep with them from time to time, and 13 percent permit it every night.
And according to the Canadian Pediatric Society “behavioral insomnia” is a medical diagnosis used to describe 20-30 percent of kids who have trouble falling or staying asleep, and who end up in their parents’ bed at one point during the night. The impact of chronic co-sleeping on a person’s functioning—younger and older—can run the gamut from memory loss, fatigue, low energy, depression, and obesity.
The reasons for parents allowing older children to co-sleep are complex and not completely understood. Anecdotal data indicates that children today have higher levels of anxiety than previous generations. The reasons for this include higher divorce rates, frequent transitions, more over-scheduling, greater academic pressures, the influence of being plugged in 24/7.
As a result, children today are less self-reliant. Many preteen children don’t yet know how to be alone at bedtime and they haven’t been forced to learn. Parents band-aid the issue by allowing co-sleeping, assuming that kids will naturally grow out of it and many do not.
Aside from the negative impact on the children such as not being able to attend sleepovers with friends, overnight class trips, and other independent activities, parents are highly impacted by the chronic sleep deprivation that occurs when co-sleeping with an older child. Most obvious is the impact on the marital relationship and the physiological and psychological well-being of adults who haven’t had a night of restful sleep in literally years.
Sleep deprivation adds to the challenge that parents have in understanding how to change the status quo and resume control over nighttime and their bed. Here are some initial steps for parents:
- Recognize the severity of the problem and commit to changing it.
- Expect resistance and be prepared to use whatever resources are available to stick to and achieve the goal of family members sleeping in their own beds every night. For example, have friends or relatives who are not part of the negative cycle, put the children to bed at night.
- Use a behavioral retraining model with the gradual removal of parental comfort and presence at bedtime replaced with parental attention and nurturing before and after bedtime and self-soothing strategies for children to use before and during bedtime.
- Discuss the importance of changing the behavior with the children. Emphasize parents’ needs to improve their own sleep and that their bed is for parents only. In addition, discuss the importance of children being able to sleep independently as related to their ability to participate in age-appropriate activities.
- Recognize that a child’s anxiety, lower self-esteem, and dependency behaviors during the daytime are related to their inability to have the confidence to sleep alone at night.
- With consistent intervention, most children will learn typical sleep habits and patterns and remain in their beds for the duration of the night.
FAQs
The impact of chronic co-sleeping on a person's functioning--younger and older--can run the gamut from increased dependency and anxiety to memory loss, fatigue, low energy, depression, and obesity.
Is it okay for a 14-year-old to sleep with parents? ›
"I wouldn't want a 14-year-old child sleeping in the bed with his or her mother or father. If you asked me to draw a line, I think it's at the prepubertal time," Fisk said. Matheis agrees. "Adolescence, or the onset of puberty, may be a good time to transition to different beds," she said.
Is it healthy for a 7 year old to sleep with parents? ›
Co-sleeping is not recommended, but a 7-year-old child sleeping with parents is considered normal in many families and cultures. The American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) warns against co-sleeping at any age, especially if the infant is younger than four months.
Is it unhealthy for a child to sleep with their parents? ›
Bed sharing can be dangerous for babies. Reason: risk of suffocation. After 12 months, there is no proven risk of harm. There is no evidence that bed-sharing produces children who are more spoiled or dependent.
What are the long term effects of bedsharing? ›
Co-sleeping may contribute to dependency and separation anxiety in children. A prolonged reliance on co-sleeping may make it difficult for children to develop the confidence and skills necessary to sleep independently. This can create anxiety when faced with sleeping alone or in unfamiliar environments.
What are the effects of co-sleeping with older children? ›
Co-sleeping with older children can be especially detrimental as it can create stress for the entire family, lead to poor sleep patterns for both parents and children, and inhibit the ability of children to develop independence.
What are the psychological effects of child sleeping with parents? ›
A child's anxiety, lower self-esteem, and dependency behaviors during the daytime are related to their inability to sleep alone at night. The impact of chronic co-sleeping includes memory loss, fatigue, low energy, depression, and obesity.
Is it normal for a 12 year old to sleep with their parents? ›
Recent studies indicate that near epidemic proportion of children are co-sleeping with parents today. According to Parenting's MomConnection, a surprising 45% of moms let their 8- to 12-year-olds sleep with them from time to time, and 13% permit it every night.
Does co-sleeping cause separation anxiety? ›
Transitioning from co-sleeping with parents to sleeping alone in a crib can cause separation anxiety. Some studies suggest that co-sleeping babies have less anxiety, higher self-esteem, and are more comfortable with affection.
What is it called when a mother sleeps with her son? ›
In psychoanalytic theory, the Jocasta complex is the incestuous sexual desire of a mother towards her son.
And then there was the terrifyingly titled 2021 study published in the journal Behavioral Sleep Medicine: “Early Childhood Co-Sleeping Predicts Behavior Problems in Pre-Adolescence.” Researchers followed 1,565 Chinese children between the ages of 3 to 5 from early childhood into pre-adolescence.
Is co-sleeping biologically normal? ›
Looking at the facts. Breastfeeding mothers and babies sharing sleep is a biologically normal behaviour, while formula feeding and separate sleep are departures from the norm.
When to stop cosleeping? ›
Stop Bedsharing When Your Child Is One-Year-Old
Co-sleeping and bedsharing with your child are good for their safety and security, but this should stop very early in their age for their personal development and growth, both physical and psychological.
Does co-sleeping delay development? ›
Other concerns with co-sleeping involve the delayed development of infant independence and sleep issues. For example, an infant who falls asleep with its parents in the same bed has been observed to have more sleep problems associated with shorter and more fragmented sleep.
Does co-sleeping increase dependency? ›
On average, children who bedshare do tend to transition to sleeping independently about a year later than other children, but they may be more independent, self-reliant, and confident in their daily lives than children who did not bedshare.
What do pediatricians say about co-sleeping? ›
The American Academy of Pediatrics strongly recommends room-sharing but discourages bed-sharing. Some types of co-sleeping may pose risks for an infant's health.
At what age should a child stop sleeping with their parents? ›
According to Liz Nissim-Matheis, a clinical psychologist in New Jersey, it's best to end co-sleeping when a person reaches puberty, or at around 11. “Once we get into that territory of bodies changing, that's when you really want to take a step back and say, 'What is going on here?
How old should a 14 year old sleep? ›
How much sleep someone needs depends on their age. The American Academy of Sleep Medicine has recommended that children aged 6–12 years should regularly sleep 9–12 hours per 24 hours and teenagers aged 13–18 years should sleep 8–10 hours per 24 hours.
At what age is it safe for your child to sleep with you? ›
Co-sleeping with a child over 1 year old has a little less risk than with one under 12 months. At a toddler's age of 1 to 2 years old, they can roll over and free themselves in case they are trapped in the bed. As a child gets older, it becomes less risky to co-sleep, but it's still best for them to sleep on their own.
At what age should you stop cuddling your child to sleep? ›
A: The optimal age for stopping bedtime cuddles varies for each child, but most experts recommend gradually transitioning away from cuddling around 2-3 years old. It's important to consider your child's development and individual needs when making this transition.
