It usually starts out the same way. You meet someone charming and charismatic. They flatter you and promise to deliver the sun and the moon. There’s an alchemical pull that feels familiar and exciting.
It’s at this precise point that you are most vulnerable. Intense chemistry can trick you into believing you are both on the same wavelength. The chemistry convinces you that you share the same values and standards. Beware! You are possibly swimming in shark infested waters — there’s a good reason why lust is named as one of the seven deadly sins. It is not your friend, especially if you have a history of narcissistic or abusive relationships.
If you fall for the words and the charm, you risk being sucked into a situation emotionally or financially, that is not quite what it seems.
Red flags can show up in any relationship, in fact, with a sharp eye you’ll spot them in the strangers you meet and the vendors you do business with.
Be wary of “BIG TALK,” lots of words and promises but no action. If you haven’t already, learn this golden rule now: Words mean nothing if they are not backed up with action. Saying I will complete a project and actually completing the project are two different things. Saying I will marry you and actually taking the steps to marry you are also two different things.
So before we even get into what the red flags are, I want you to put these two things in to practice:
- When you feel immediate, intense chemistry or rapport do not assume you can trust the person. This is often nervous system activation whereby your nervous system is responding to someone who feels familiar from your past. If you have had a lot of trauma and a history of abusive or narcissistic relationships, pay extra attention. Intense chemistry is a sign you have met another toxic character and you need to step back and slow down.
- Don’t fall for “big talk” — words mean nothing without action to back them up. Are they doing what they said they would do within the timeline they said they would deliver? This is relevant in both business and personal relationships.
Now, granted, none of us is perfect. To some degree, we all have bad habits and toxic traits. In fact, if you were raised by a narcissist then you need to be especially aware of the “narcissistic fleas” you have unconsciously picked up. You will have certain toxic behaviors that you have absorbed.
For example, in my earlier relationships, if I was upset, instead of opening the lines of communication and resolving the issue, I would shut down. I’d go quiet and completely ignore my partner for hours until I calmed down. I was shocked to learn that this was stonewalling, also known as giving the ‘silent treatment’. In truth, you are refusing to communicate with the other person and intentionally shutting down.
Once I realized how toxic and hurtful this behavior was, I immediately stopped doing it. If you need space, communicate that you need space, and give an exact time frame in which you will be ready to talk again — so the other person does not feel shut out.
I also used to talk over people and interrupt them in conversation, always wanting to get my piece in. This is another narcissistic flea that I continue to work on. Practicing Active Listening in my coaching practice has been good medicine for this. Reflect on what fleas you may have picked up.
You want to be able to discern when to accept someone for who they are (just like you, they are doing their best as they heal and grow) and when to protect yourself from toxic behaviors. The difference between a toxic person and a safe person is the ability to self-reflect, apologize and if necessary, course correct and adjust behavior.
In other words, I may lash out and act inappropriately, but as soon as I recognize what I’ve done, I have empathy for the effect my behavior has on the other person. I apologize, offer to make amends and then make sure I do not repeat the hurtful or destructive behavior again. In other words, I do the necessary work to repair the relationship and earn back trust. I consciously take action and change my behavior to do things differently.
Toxic people never accept responsibility for their mistakes. They will make excuses and scapegoat other people. They cannot admit they have dropped the proverbial ball. They NEVER apologize.
Most people do change as they grow and mature. Those on the personal development path have made a mindful decision to change and to become better human beings. So, it’s not unreasonable to hope that someone can change their behavior. However, they need to show a willingness to change and they actually need to do the work. Otherwise, you are stuck in denial, hoping to get something from someone who is unwilling or unable to give it to you.
Behaviors and habits can be modified and changed but what remains rigid is one’s personality and character. Personality and character issues are immovable. These are not temporary behaviors that flare up when you’re going through a rough patch. These are patterns of behavior and attitudes that persist over time, regardless of the circ*mstances because they’re a part of a person’s personality.
If someone has a personality disorder or a character flaw, no amount or reasoning, patience or love is going to change that — unless they actively choose of their own free will to get professional help. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that they’ll improve with time. In fact, they will probably get worse.
So how do you know when a person is truly toxic?
Here are 7 Red Flags you should never overlook or ignore:
Red flag 1: They are ALWAYS angry
Chronic anger looks like passive aggression, the silent treatment, banging and slamming doors, breaking and smashing things, shouting, regular blow-ups, irritability and moodiness. You find yourself tip toeing around, terrified you will set them off.
This is toxic anger as they are using it as a form of control. Healthy anger is anger that is expressed in the moment when a boundary has been violated or when a stern warning is needed. This is righteous anger and it is necessary as it keeps you safe.
Toxic anger is anger that has been weaponized. The toxic person conjures up fear in those around them, thus getting them to comply. It makes them feel powerful when they see you walking on eggshells or getting upset.
Red flag 2: Repeated sarcasm
Sarcasm and disparaging humor are not funny, unless you are poking fun at yourself. Sarcasm is in fact a form of aggression. Underneath the sarcasm is a seething anger that can be felt by the person on the other end of the sarcastic comment.
Sarcastic people are always putting something or someone down, but in a “joking” way. In truth, their sarcasm is just a form of negging. If what is being said to you does not feel good, don’t fall for the line,“I was just being sarcastic.”
No, they were being passively or overtly aggressive and it’s not great energy to be around. Push the eject button.
Red flag 3: A vindictive attitude
People who have no mercy or compassion have a punitive mindset. They see other people as ‘idiots’ who deserve what’s coming at them. They believe people deserve to suffer and be treated badly and with disrespect. Because they deserve it.
These toxic individuals see themselves as better than others or above certain people. For example, I grew up in an environment of toxic masculinity. I repeatedly heard from the men around me,“Women drivers are bloody idiots!” “Women are so stupid.” “Women deserve to be hit because they don’t listen.” “Women are irritating, they never stop talking.” “Women never stop whining.”
Urgh.
They also blame you for their bad behavior.
“You made me do it because you pushed my buttons.”
And then when you ask for an apology, they’ll say something like,
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s not an apology because what they are really saying is, “You deserved what you got, and I’m sorry you don’t accept that you deserve to be punished or treated with disrespect.”
Another urgh.
Red Flag 4: They are controlling
Toxic people tell you how to do simple things, what to wear, how to talk, how not to walk, what to think… And they get angry when you don’t do it their way.
They also invalidate everything you say and try and control your opinion. If you don’t give them the answer they want, they’ll manipulate the situation so that what you want or feel is deleted and replaced with what they feel is best for you.
“People that cause you to feel as if you have to walk on eggshells are the gatekeepers of your power. They are unconsciously inviting you to let your voice be heard with more assertiveness or to define stronger boundaries.” ~ Xavier Dagba
You find yourself thinking twice about what to say and do, in case they get upset. Your behavior is now controlled by them. You gauge their reaction to determine how to act instead of feeling free to be yourself. It’s exhausting having a conversation with them because they will constantly counter everything you say. Find the emergency exit, and leave.
Another form of control is when they claim they are always so ‘worried about you.’ You have to constantly check in and let them know your every move. You end up feeling anxious when you haven’t. They have weaponized their worry and anxiety so that it becomes your job to keep them feeling okay. Toxic mothers do it, jealous lovers do it.
Controlling people tend to be extremely opinionated. In truth, they are super judgmental, and their “opinions” and judgments come with bucket loads of criticism.
Another form of controlling behavior is when they tell you what you can and cannot talk about. Or they give you a list of trigger words too avoid. Instead of self-regulating they try and control their environment and everyone in it. If you spot this form of control, the person is not necessarily toxic, but they do need therapy or support to help them deal with their anxieties and insecurities.
Red Flag 5: They are addicted to prescription pills, alcohol, drugs, weed
I agree with Dr. Gabor Maté that “It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behavior.” Addicts need love and support, not shame and rejection. The fact that they are using drugs or alcohol or prescription pills to self medicate and self-soothe begs our compassion and understanding. BUT active addiction is still a big red flag.
Until the addict gets help and breaks the cycle, they will put their addiction above everything. This means when you do business with an addict or enter a relationship with an addict, their addiction will be front and center. They will be unreliable and in some cases, untrustworthy. Bottom line? Your needs will not be met. You will be let down. You will be disappointed.
If the addict has a personality disorder you are on very shaky ground. The relationship is super TOXIC and dangerous. In my case, they would drive erratically to scare me and punch and break things when high and when coming down. I’m not sure which was worse.
When I was living with an addict, who was later diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (comorbid covert narcissism), my whole life was defined by their moods. I’d be in the grocery store and they would suddenly blow up, get aggressive and we’d have to leave IMMEDIATELY and get home.
After they had snuck off to do their ‘thing’, they’d behave relatively reasonably again. Until their drug of choice wore off. My whole life was dictated by their drug addiction and whether they were on an upper or a downer. I allowed whole days and weekends to be ruined until I learned to emotionally disengage from the relationship. I carried on doing my thing regardless of what they were doing. I could then put plans in place physically leave the relationship.
It is not your job to fix, save or heal an addict. You can have compassion and support them but with super firm boundaries and a massive reality check.
You’ve got a big beautiful life to live, go live it.
Red Flag 6: They are manipulative
Manipulators manipulate with the following weapons: Guilt, shame, fear, anger and obligation.
They use guilt to make you do things by using “if, then” statements. For example, “IF you really cared about me, THEN you’d call every day.”
Another sign of manipulation is not honoring your no. They try get you to change your mind All.The.Time. You even wonder why they even bother asking your opinion because if it differs from theirs, they try and override you. Be especially vigilant for ‘big talk’ here. They will make sweeping promises and downright lie to get you to change your mind.
Another way they try and manipulate you is by repeating the same request over and over again. They keep asking you, “So, why don’t you want do this?” You’ve already told them no, you don’t want to do it and they refuse to respect your decision. They will invalidate and shoot down your reasoning. Be aware when someone is constantly talking you down. Stand your ground!
Red Flag 7: They take more than they give
A toxic person can seem really generous. They say all the right things, flatter you and make BIG promises. Trouble is, under their flowery words, their actions feel really hollow. And if they do give, they only give in proportion to what they feel is justified after their needs have been fully met. It’s all about give and take, and take, and take.
When they do actually give of themselves, they then feel like they’ve given too much. They then blame you for taking advantage of them. It doesn’t feel good to get something from a toxic person because you know there’s ALWAYS a price to pay on the back end.
They believe that people are always trying to stick it to them, so they have to stick it to you first. For every transaction, they have to be on the upside.
If you grew up around people who behaved in these kinds of ways, then you may find yourself being attracted to similar people. Even though you don’t like their behavior, they somehow feel familiar and draw you in. Your nervous system goes, “Oh, I’ve been here before and survived, I can survive again.” The trick is to detox from the toxicity. You don’t want to survive another onslaught; you want to thrive.
3 WAYS TO DETOX AND DISENGAGE FROM A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
1. You need physical space. Take a break from the person. Give yourself time to reflect on what bothers you about the relationship and their behavior. Get still and tune into your body. Let it talk to you. It knows the truth. How do you feel when you’re away from the person?
“You never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air.” ~ Unknown
2. You need emotional space. As I discovered whilst living with an addict, creating emotional space is key to disentangling from a toxic relationship. Usually when they acted out, I’d beg and plead. I’d give hours of my time and energy trying to change their behavior and the situation.
The turning point came on my birthday. We were supposed to go out for a nice lunch. By 2 pm they were still in bed sleeping, deliberately trying to sabotage my birthday. I’d tried everything — made them breakfast, tea, pleaded, begged… all to no avail. My codependency was still rampant!
Eventually, in despair, I put on my walking shoes and headed out. I got to the end of the lane, turned right and just walked for miles and miles. I happened to be in a beautiful part of the world and as I walked, I marveled at the beauty around me. The crows and the blue jays, the butterflies, the trees… I kept walking.
After a while my head cleared, my mood lifted and it started to feel like a birthday. Suddenly magical synchronicities unfolded which I won’t detail here but I will say I had a profound healing. I could see with crystal clear clarity how I had allowed myself to be drawn into the drama. How their down mood had become my down mood. How their needs overrode my needs. I saw how my full focus was on them and not on myself. I literally SAW my codependency. I got back from that walk a reborn person.
I could see the shock and dismay on my partners’ face when I got home two hours later. I was laughing, happy and had arms full of wild flowers, a large turkey feather and a magical find of about 30 guinea fowl feathers (the angels were guiding me home). The game was up. I saw in that moment how much they fed off my misery.
To protect your self-esteem, stop taking their behavior personally — disengage and keep doing you. Give their opinions less weight, don’t internalize their negative opinions of you. Even in the closest relationships, always maintain your own thoughts and ideas and independence.
Sure, it hurts like hell when a toxic person turns out to be your spouse or a sibling or a parent. For self preservation you have to come to grips and accept that you’re just not going to have a healthy, intimate relationship with that person. This is a hard pill to swallow. And you are not going to want to face this truth.
But people are people, they are flawed individuals, and sometimes it’s just not possible to have a safe emotional relationship with someone. If they are toxic and personality disordered, normal rules don’t apply.
Once you come to this realization, and accept the reality of the relationship, you can pull back as far as you need to in order to maintain whatever relationship is logistically necessary or possible.
You will need strong boundaries and to interact at a minimal level. Either low contact or in extreme cases of abuse, no contact.
3. Examine your role in the drama. How did they get into the room? And if it’s a parent, what are you doing to keep the drama going? This is where self-reflection is necessary so that you can heal the parts of yourself that enables and entertains toxic behaviors. How are you replaying scenes from your childhood in your adult relationships? What defense mechanisms are no longer serving you? You usually stay in toxic relationships for a reason, at some level, the relationship is serving you, even if it’s in a twisted way.
Bottom line, what may have kept you safe in childhood is now putting you in harm’s way. Once you recognize how you’re perpetuating the problem, change your behavior and notice how it impacts the relationship. In fact, the quickest way to see if a relationship is toxic is to put a boundary in place and say no. How the other person reacts will tell you a lot about whether they respect you or not.
When you address your own issues within a relationship, things start to break down in the relationship because you’re becoming a different person. The unspoken rule in any toxic relationship is that nothing changes. So when you suddenly start asserting yourself and putting up boundaries, the old system won’t work. You are no longer playing your assigned role.
I recommend therapy or coaching if you have deep patterns of codependency or low self worth. An objective person can see both sides of the problem and help you recognize your blind spots and how your behavior is contributing to the problem.
A therapist or coach can understand you and help give you specific tools on how to handle the toxic relationship, and exit it safely if necessary. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you don’t have to stay enmeshed in a negative relationship. You can detox and you can be free.
The first step is to recognize what is healthy and what is not. When the red flags show up, pay attention. Observe. Ultimately, you want to choose people who choose you (and not just for sex). You want to choose people who ask you how you are. People who see you and hear you. People who let you be you. You want to be around people who you can breathe easily around. Who want to see you win and are good for your mental health.
How many times in your life have you been left hanging? Suspended in time waiting for love, affection, information, someone to call, message, show up? If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, then I bet more times than you care to remember.
Withholders deliberately dim your light by starving you of what you need… They feed off your anxiety and pain. It makes them feel powerful. By withholding from you they feel they are keeping more for themselves. More power, more authority, more control. Narcissists in particular are withholders. They deliberately hold back an emotional reaction or connection and get a thrill when they feel you wanting more. The narcissist will make a point of withholding something that they know you really, really want. Whether it’s a compliment, sexual intimacy, an engagement ring, a gift or quality time together, they withhold as a form of control.
They will withhold until you’re practically begging to have your needs met. They enjoy the feeling of power your begging gives them. They also enjoy the pain that it causes you that you’re not getting what you want or need.
“Don’t beg for anyone’s attention or time. It should always be given to you willingly.” ~ Unknown
Traditionally, withholding was seen as denying sex or affection from your partner. This is not the same as refraining from sex because you do not feel comfortable doing it. Saying no is a healthy way to set a boundary. It is not the same as withholding as it is not done to punish the other person. Withholding is a toxic, emotional abuse tactic.
Withholding can show up in any type of relationship — you can have a withholding parent, sibling, child, friend, boss or spouse. Withholding manifests in different ways as many things can be withheld — money, affection, time, information, validation, support, praise…
Years ago, I was at a dinner and a guest drank a bit too much wine. Her husband did not approve of her getting tipsy. It was late and she really wanted to go home. I remember watching her beg him to take them home. The more she begged, the longer he took to leave. He continued to make small talk, dragging out their goodbyes and exit as long as possible. She kept pleading with him, “please can we go now?” I could see very clearly that he was punishing her. He was withholding safety, support and comfort. That is not love, it is control.
Withholding is similar to gaslighting as it makes you feel shut out, unimportant, isolated, ignored and disempowered. It is especially damaging because the victim often doesn’t recognize it as a form of abuse. Instead, they believe they are not worthy of getting their needs and desires met. They hand over control to the other person and end up with no personal power. Every act of withholding sends the message,
“You don’t deserve to be treated well. I get to decide when and how much.”
Withholders control the flow of information as well as the tone of a conversation. Excited to catch up with a family member, I’d always end up feeling like I was irritating them, being a pain in the butt or a wasting their time when I called them. The conversation would go something like this:
(Me) “Hello, how are you?”
(Them) “Fine.”
(Me) “How’s work?”
(Them) “Fine.”
(Me) “Any news?”
(Them) “Nah.”
(Me) “Soooo…
They would deliberately withhold about themselves making conversation difficult. They didn’t care about my life either so it’s not as if I could fill in the blanks talking about myself. Before I had cottoned on to what was really going on, I would put in the energy and effort to maintain connection. I’d try and drag out a conversation and communicate with them. Eventually, I just gave up. When they did show up on the other end of the phone, they would be drunk or stoned, repeating the same thing over and over again. Being high is another way of withholding and being emotionally unavailable.
If you are disconnected from yourself or numbed out, you make excuses for the short answers, chronic lateness, long silences or absences. You push down the knots in your stomach and ignore the hollow feelings of disappointment. Instead of recognizing the cold, punishing behavior for what it is — withholding — you double down on your desire for the abuser’s affection. You think to yourself,
“If only I try harder, do better, be more, then they will visit, call, show up and love me…”
Instead of moving away from the cold, withholding behavior, you crave the abuser’s attention even more. Instead of pausing and realizing,
“Hang on, this doesn’t feel good, they are not giving love, they are withholding it.”
Your mind hangs on to the illusion or fantasy of who you want them to be — the brother who supports you, the lover who desires you, the parent who shows up for you, the friend or spouse who has your back.
Granted, every now and then they do throw you a bone. But the moment they see you enjoying the love and attention they are offering, they quickly withdraw it again. Suddenly everything goes silent and your calls and messages go unanswered. You feel like you have done something wrong. Your mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out what you did or didn’t do to push them away. Next time you find yourself on the icy end of someone’s withholding behavior, instead of getting stuck in your head trying to figure it out, get into your body.
Try this simplified technique of Compassionate Enquiry with yourself, as taught by Gabor Mate. Close your eyes. Take a few breaths and feel around for the hollow feeling of their absence or silence in your body. No matter how uncomfortable it is, allow yourself to fully feel the sensation of their withholding in your body. Sit with it. Next, ask yourself, “When did I first feel this feeling?” Allow your body to talk to you through images, memories, feelings or emotions. Notice what comes up for you. Perhaps a memory comes up of your brother letting you down badly, or your mother or father. Perhaps they withheld love, time, information or attention? Maybe it is something else. Sit with it. Ask it what it needs for you.
Sometimes we choose people who represent or feel the same as the people who have wounded us in the past. For example, if the men or women in your family were withholding, and this is an unhealed aspect of your psyche, then when someone shows up in the present who also withholds, you will subconsciously be drawn to them like a moth to a flame. You inner child figures, if I can get this person to stop withholding, then finally, I am worthy of time, attention and love. The trouble is, you are trying to get blood out of a stone.
A withholder will withhold. And it has nothing to do with you. It’s their dysfunctional pattern. It’s what they do and there is nothing you can do to change it. Recognize your attraction to those who are emotionally unavailable. Become emotionally available to yourself, and withdraw from the situation or relationship. You deserve to have people in your life who give generously and abundantly. Someone that gives and then takes away is wounding you.
“Stop letting people who do so little for you, control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.” ~ Unknown
1. At work, a withholding boss or co-worker will refuse to share important information with you so that you appear incompetent.
2. A friend or family member who knows you want more details or are waiting for information will get a kick out of deliberately holding it back.
3. A partner who gives you breadcrumbs of love, time or attention — just enough to keep you hooked but not enough to satisfy your needs. You are always left wanting more. If they know your love language is quality time or affection for example, they will deliberately withhold the very things you crave.
4. They arrive intentionally late or leave intentionally early. They deliberately withhold their presence, knowing it upsets you. They may go to bed early or sleep late to deliberately withhold spending time with you. For example, my ex slept the whole day away on my birthday to intentionally withhold his presence so as to spoil the day for me.
5. You have to contend with hours, days or weeks of silent treatment. They deliberately punish you by refusing to acknowledge you or communicate with you. This annihilates your personhood and is very damaging. (Please note: The silent treatment is not to be confused with going no-contact. Going no-contact is done for self-preservation and safety. Stonewalling and the silent treatment is used to deliberately punish and hurt the other person. It’s all about the intention behind your actions.)
6. They withhold about themselves and their lives — they refuse to share any details about their lives. You get 1-word answers in conversation. They get off on keeping you hanging — they give vague answers and won’t commit to plans. They may also get drunk or high so they are emotionally absent or emotionally unavailable during the visit or conversation. They are there physically but not emotionally.
***
If you are experiencing these behaviors in your relationship/s, you may want to take a step back and gain clarity. Emotional withholding is a weapon used by the abuser to maintain control over you. You will find yourself constantly pursuing the affection, time or support of your partner, friend, sibling or parent. You will always be trying to prove you’re good enough. They will always be trying to prove that you are not. This is a no win situation. You will never be able to get your needs met in healthy ways with a withholder.
“Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.” ~ Brené Brown
This push-pull dynamic often replicates childhood trauma. If you had a withholding, rejecting, or absent parent, it feels normal to have to pursue or earn love, rather than having it freely given.
Check in with yourself:
1. How generous are they to me? Is there an equal exchange of give and take?
2. How invested are they in my well-being? Do they make me feel good or not enough?
3. Are they maintaining the upper hand by ensuring that I continue to seek their approval? Emotional withholding is a tool to keep the balance of power in their favor. They give you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you wanting more, which keeps you trapped in pursuit.
4. Are my needs being met? Am I emotionally satisfied? How often am I sated, versus starving? If you feel like you’re not getting any emotional nutrients, it suggests that the other person is emotionally unavailable. They are using withholding to maintain a dynamic that serves them but not you. This dynamic is very damaging to your self-esteem. You will constantly feel not good enough.
If this is you, please get out of the relationship sooner rather than later. Take back your power. Realize that there is nothing wrong with you — you are trying to get something from someone who is unwilling or unable to give it to you. Unfortunately, abusers rarely change and they often get worse. You deserve love to be given to you feely, abundantly and consistently. Yes, it’s hard to let go, but you deserve better. You deserve to be loved wholeheartedly.
If you’re ready to stop living in the story of your trauma, book your Breakthrough Session today or contact me to see if we’re a fit. Together, we’ll release the patterns and beliefs that are keeping you stuck.
